Deep Inside My Thoughts

So, I decided last night to update my blog, change it to a new theme, and basically give it a totally new look again.  Its tasks like these that entertain me.  For some reason, hours will fly by as I’m downloading something to play with, editing the code to my liking, and perfecting how I want it.  There’s so much unreasonable bloat with WordPress themes, and what I really hate is the ‘free’ themes you find have links to gambling and such sites.

You see these people give away these themes for free, while at the same time promoting other sites.  If 1,000 sites install this theme, then when Google indexes them, they will see 1,000 links pointing at this page about, lets say, horse racing.  This inflates the page rank of the horse racing site, and it will rank up higher in search results.  Is it ethical?  Not too many things are anymore.

Anyhow, I hate stuff like that.  I don’t really want to promote things like that either.  So I take the time to edit that stuff out, get rid of a few boxes I don’t need, and tweak here and there.  Overall I think I’m satisfied with the new look, and think it better reflects me than that impressionist theme I had before.

I want to start blogging again, and keep it up.  I want to record my daily thoughts and fears, but quite frankly, I’m just not interesting enough anymore to do it as much as I used to.  I’ve been reduced to a corporate drone, work and sleep, and nothing more.   My professional and personal lives are spent behind a screen, or occasionally at work inspecting construction.  But jesus, the paper work there is the real job, not making sure someone installs an expansion joint right.

Here’s to bureaucracy .

Christmas has never been a very important day for me in a long, long while.  Of course when I was younger, I’d always look forward to it every year, like every child would, but as I grew up, it became less and less important.  The final straw was when my grandmother died, and Christmas just hasn’t been the same ever since.  The family was less inclined to be together, and it just didn’t feel as special as it had before.

I haven’t believed in God in quite awhile, yet I used to look forward to Christmas.  Christmas just isn’t a Christian holiday anymore—it’s a day of consumption, of overspending, and of giving gifts.  That transcends everything, and makes it a universal commercial holiday.  That’s how I justify Christmas, even though I don’t believe in Christ or God, I do believe in the tradition of commercialism.

My grandfather passed away this month too.  They were the set that even though they lived 5 minutes away, I barely saw them twice a year.  Birthdays, and Christmases, and the occasional dinner, that’s all I’ve seen of them.  I lived my entire life compartmented from them.  I love my grandfather, I wouldn’t say I knew him, but I loved him.  His loss was easier to take though simply because I didn’t spend every day around him, unlike my other grandmother who I saw every day.

The point I’m attempting to make here is family isn’t as important to me at Christmas as it once was.   We just send checks or gift cards anymore, and I haven’t seen them in two years since I moved out here.  I’ve seen my dad a few times, but that’s it.  I go on day-by-day, talking to family when I can, but always moving forward.  Even at Christmas time, I’m equally happy to be alone, lounging around on this day.  As a matter of personal tradition, I’ve had Chinese for dinner for something like the last 5 years or so.   That goes hand-in-hand with my thanksgiving dinner at Cracker Barrel.

I’m a lone wolf.  I’ll always be more comfortable alone than I will with large amounts of family.  I suppose it might change once I have children on my own, but for right now, solitude is peace for me.  That’s part of the reason I came out here was for solitude.  The other reason I thought was spiritual in a sense—to find myself, but that has failed miserably, and wasn’t probably a good idea to begin with.

Christmas time…just another day for me.

Every night my webserver runs a parser on my logs, and lets me see all sorts of interesting things.  For example the phrases that people find my blog from:

Pretty damn varried as you can see.  I think it’s always interesting to see how people find this place, as well as the fucked up things that sometimes lead back here.

Danyale has been gone for two weeks now.  The first week we tried to make up, or at least be cordial.  It worked to begin with, but right before she would leave, we’d fight.  One night I went out, got her her medicine, bought her World of Warcraft so we’d have something to do.  I even let her borrow my car.  This is after we broke up, so I was exceedingly generous.

When she came back from her friends, she was cuddling with me, and I was trying to get her copy of WoW installed so she could play it.  I remember she said she wanted to cuddle, but I kept insisting on just a second because I wanted to get this thing installed for her.  A few minutes of “Just a second later” and she got angry, and wanted to go to her sister.  She started yelling, and like usual I yelled back.

There was crying from both of us, but it ended with us telling each other “I love you” when she left.  By the time she went inside, things seemed fine.  She was supposed to go to her parents that weekend, and I even thought and suggested about taking her up there.  Thing’s seemed on the up.

Fast forward a week, and thing’s are back to as shitty as they have ever been, and I’m sitting her confused as usual.   She’s seeing some guy, and I’ve got a girl I’ve seen a few times.  We’ve talked a few since then,most notably with me telling her I still love her, and her telling me she still loves me and misses me.  That’s what’s the most agaonzing thing is, the girl can’t tell me to get away.  She can say she still loves me, and even say ‘forever and ever’, but stick with some kid who treats her like shit.

She’s still on my cell phone plan, and I can’t objectively say if she still loves me or is using me.  Last night, we were supposed to hang out, just watch a movie, and try to be civil with each other.   A few hours after we made plans, when I called her and told her I was coming over.  She told me then she couldn’t because she was afraid of what she’d do.  I asked her if she missed me again, and she said yes.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do.  I tried to give her space Friday, but kept calling her Friday night, and we had a really sarcastic talk.  That didn’t help things at all, but I did tell her if My minutes get close to going over (which they are) she’s off my cell phone plan.   I told her I didn’t want to speak to her until next Sunday, an entire week.

Who knows what will happen in  an entire week.  I do miss Danyale, but I’m getting tired of the status quo.  I spent the day today playing WoW and watching movies.  Tomorrow, I have to work all day, so I won’t have time to think about her then.  Monday, I’ll be tired from working Sunday, so most likely, I’ll just pass out when I get home.  And then finally Tuesday, I have company coming over, so my entire night should be taken up then.

By this time, Danyale should have gone over her minutes, which would let Me get rid of it.  Even if she isn’t using me, she still shouldn’t be on my plan since we’re not dating.  I shouldn’t have to do favors for her like pick up medicine because the guy she’s with doesn’t work or have a car.  I shouldn’t have to even worry about her asking for anything.  Hopefully, I won’t with this week ‘off’, which might turn into a even longer time ‘off’ when I have no way to get a hold of her.

She’ll hate me for it when I do it.   She’ll cry, she’ll bitch, she’ll moan.  Hell, maybe it won’t even come to that.  But odds are if it doesn’t, come Sunday we’ll fight once again, because she won’t know what she wants.  And then, that will be the final straw.  No matter what, if she doesn’t change her mind by Sunday, I’m cutting the girl lose.  I’m doing what everyone around me has told me to do.  I’m going to do what I should have done long ago—turn of my feelings and take action.

I need to get out of Topeka again.  I can’t take this anymore.