Deep Inside My Thoughts

There are feelings of guilt, of what if’s floating around in my thoughts now.  The nature of the beast is that I always blame myself.  Everything is fine one day, and terrible the next.   This is the cycle which I go through.  More days like these, and I’ll be thru the first stage.

Danyale didn’t call today, and didn’t call me back last night when I returned her call.  The voice mails she left simply said “I love you”, and when I made the mistake of actually talking to her on the phone, we got into a screaming match.  I think I hung up on her.  I’m not in the mood to put up with the bullshit anymore.

She called us soul mates.  She had a wedding planned out almost.  I did, and do love her.  But she lied straight to my face, and I can’t let that slide.  I can let my car being totaled, I can handle her seizures and mood swings, but not being lied to.  It put everything that we said into doubt once again.  I hate lying here in bed and wondering in my mind if such and such was true, or a damn lie.

Still, she swears to me something didn’t happen, even when it’s black and white before my very own eyes.   I left work to deal with this shit.  Not only did she hurt me, but she cost me time too.  When I got here everything was so angry, so callous, you couldn’t tell we kissed each other sweetly hours before when I went to work.  How quickly things truly break down will always amaze me.

I’m alone right now in a quiet apartment.  I can hear water dripping from the faucet in my bathroom, and all I can do is think.  I’ve been here before with her.  I’ve always taken her back in the past.  I moved out here for her, and because of that, she’s gotten special treatment…she’s gotten away with things that never would have flown in Indiana.  Is she special?  Were we soul mates?  Turns out our saying of ‘forever and ever’ like some star-struck teen lovers wasn’t too endearing.  I hope I have the strength to stand up for how I feel against her.  I hope I don’t give in to the temporary euphoria and happiness only to damn myself to more pain and suffering.

Her family hates me, and mine hate her.  There’s probably good reason to that.  Maybe they could see what me and her both couldn’t.  My eyes are open, my thoughts conflicted, but I still would say I love her.  That will always be my downfall.

But I do believe she really did love me, and did want everything she promised.  She would cut and self injure when we’d fight, and for someone you’re just playing, you wouldn’t do that.   There was love there.  I think we thrived on the fighting.  Our fights are real what defined our relationship—-how far we’d go to hurt the other.  I can only imagine what she’s doing right now.  Maybe she’s crying, maybe she’s in pain, but maybe, just maybe, she’s having fun.

If she’s having fun, she’ll get over things, and so will I.   She won’t dwell on the absence of ‘us’, and might even find time to tear herself open and evaluate how she lives her life.  I don’t want her to change, after all I did fall in love with that girl years ago.  But what I wish she would have done is realize how her choices that she makes affect all those around her.  Simply cause and effect type of things.  Maybe my last gift to her, my last act of dying love will be to bring that lesson into reality.

Love dies and fades away.  Memories will remain, and hearts will mend.  In time, new lovers always replace old ones, and the past is slowly forgotten.  What brings you to tears and is hell now, is bittersweet memory in due time.

Life isn’t supposed to always be happy and positive.  Life is supposed to test you, and ultimately what defines us as a person is how we persevere through times of strife.  Will I be stronger this time?  Or will I listen to my heart, and not my better judgment?  Only both time and suffering will tell the answer.

I suppose my apathy was a little overstated.  It seems I still do care about Danyale.  After I wrote the previous post, we made up.  Thing’s were good that night, but went down hill the next.  It was mostly my fault, and I’ll put it out there and say I caused this split.

Yesterday started out with us going to see Stephanie, who was in the hospital for some unexplained reason.  Initially, we decided we were going to go swimming, so we wore swimming clothes underneath our street clothes.  Well after spending about an hour at the hospital, I decided I didn’t want to go swim with her nieces, and we headed home.   She ended up taking the car to her sister Robin’s, and swam for a while and ended falling asleep there.

Hours pass by, and I’m starting to get hungry.   I call her at 6 pm, and she’s still sleeping.  I call her again at 8, and she’s with Michael, some 17 year old punk kid she’s been hanging around.  She’s giving him a ride home.  I don’t really like the kid first off, and secondly, I don’t like her giving rides to her friends and them not chipping in for gas.  Hell, with this kid, I don’t even want her giving him a ride. Anyhow, I get a little excited, being pissed and all, and slip out a ‘bitch’.  I caught myself right after I said it, but she did too.  Instantly, she said it was over.  So it’s over.

We hang up and I call Verizon, and get her phone disconnected three minutes after the words were said.  She comes home crying, and all I could do in the mean time was throw some of her clothes in a basket for her.  I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t cry, I didn’t want to speak to her.  I deleted her off my myspace, my cell phone, and hell, even my yahoo.

Despite her crying, I didn’t feel anything til I went to bed.   As a lay there, this massive overwhelming sense of dread and sorrow came over me, and I sat there for thirty minutes just contemplating things.  I don’t know why even when we break up, we still say we love each other.  That doesn’t make sense to me.  I don’t know why I’d take her back tomorrow if she asked.  I’ve bitched so much about our relationship, but I’d be willing to take it back if only she would ask.

I wish I knew why i was the way I am.   I wishi I knew why even though I was unhappy sometimes, her god damn smile could liven up my day.  I wish i knew how I let someone get that close to me—shared with her things I’ve never told another living soul, and let her walk away.  I have my own issues, I know this.  I have my own demons that haunt me just as she has hers.  Would it have worked out?  Will it work out?  Is this just another temporary breakup like before, or is this the real thing?

I have to consider this the final act, at least for the time being.

Danyale and I are standing on the cusp of another break up.  I don’t feel anything anymore, and I don’t think that bodes well for us.  Apathy is death, after all.  It seems just like last time, it really got worse in the last week or two, but it’s been going downhill for about a month now.  I don’t think we’ll recover from it either.

She’s been moody and depressed for awhile now, and I’ve put up with it as long as I could, even with me being depressed and moody too.  A few weeks ago when she had a seizure and puked up all over the bed, I found myself not being worried, but being pissed that my bed was destroyed.  That’s not right.  I shouldn’t feel that way about someone I care about.  I felt bad at it at the time, but in hindsight, it was a glimpse of what would happen.

I still love Danyale, and she says she still loves me, but whats the point of love if you can’t get along?  If all we do is fight now, whats the point of being together?  She says I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t.  I come home, give her a kiss, and hop on the computer, the one place I know will be reasonably drama free.

She’ll read her books, and I’ll waste my time in Azeroth. We’ll go eat, and talk, but usually end up fighting, which pisses one of us off, and makes the other not want to be around them.  There seems almost no way to be civil anymore, and although I hate to lose her, I don’t think there’s any other option.

The weight of being the only one working is overcoming the joy she gives.  The constant fighting is wearing me down, and making me depressed too.  Her counseling was working wonders for weeks, but she seems to have slipped even worse.  I’d love to be able to help her, but it seems I did better on that aspect when I was 600 miles away and just a voice on the phone.

For two years I’ve been out here, and for two years all I have to show for myself is her.  I’m scared of losing her on one hand, but terrified of the stress if we stay together.   Like usual, I’m not too entirely sure of what to do with her and not too damn sure of what will happen if we stay together.  I just wish I had some sort of crystal ball to gaze into the future with, something that would let me see what would happen, so I could feel better about things.  Because right now, the damn uncertainty is killing me worse than the failure of my relationship.

A week ago Danyale and I broke up.  We’ve only really talked a few times since then, but talking to each other has made us both a little more hurt.  I still love the girl—I always will, and she still loves me.  But, she has so many issues she needs to work out that it seems I take the fault for them, and I never take enough of the blame.

She asked to get married a few days ago.  Someday, I do see myself married to her, but how in the hell can I say yes when there’s trauma in our lives?  She won’t move back in because she thinks being stuck in a small apartment is the fault.  I won’t date her until she’s moved back in, because after a year, we’re either serious, or we’re not.  I can’t get a new apartment right this moment either, which means neither of us are happy as we could be, and we’re both getting frustrated at the situation.

I really am taking this breakup better this time than last.  Maybe it’s because even though we’re broken up, things are still vaguely the same, or that I really came to the conclusion last time that I can exist without her.  I’ve been sleeping fine for this entire week, only pausing once every so often to think about her.

Don’t get me wrong, I really do miss her.  I miss having someone to cuddle up to at night.  I miss that damn smile of hers.  I even miss knowing she’ll be mad at me cause I stayed up most of the night again.  It’s funny how things, both positive and negative, can be missed so easily.

    I got a text from work today, saying Danyale had called there looking for me.  Despite my better judgment, I decided to call her back and talk to her.  She seems to still be up in the air if she’s doing the right thing or not, and seems pretty upset even a few days later.  The reason she called was she wouldn’t be over here today to pick up her stuff.  According to her, she can get it Monday or Tuesday.  Personally, I think her parents got the best of her, and she’s listening to them.  I think she’s trying to put off the act of moving out of my house, and it’s not something she’s really looking forward to.

I spent most of last night relaxing playing WOW, cleaning, and packing up some of her stuff.  I really haven’t felt too sad about this whole situation oddly enough.  About 20 days ago we had a fight and she spent a few days at her sisters.  On New Years Eve she returned with a apology card in tow.  Like all the times before, all was forgiven.

But, returning to the phone call.  She seemed upset that I wouldn’t give her my new cell phone number and that I still had her cell phone turned off.  If we’re broken up, things must have been bad between us, and if things were that bad, I don’t want her to have my number.  However, like before when we broke up, she still says she loves me.  Love is fine and dandy, until other people get involved.  Right now, Danyale needs to learn that her decisions have consequences, and those involve having her cell phone disconnected on my plan, and lack of communication towards me.

She really confuses me sometimes.  A few nights ago she was talking about marriage and children, and then all things went to hell.  I’ve given up on attempting to find any logic in her actions, and instead attribute most of them to mood swings.  I don’t have an answer to the question of if I can have someone who’s mood swings impact me so greatly in my life.  Like her, I still feel love; but also, this ‘breakup’, I feel betrayed.

I haven’t felt really bad about anything so far.  I give her passing thoughts while I’m at work, but I can sleep.  Man, when we broke up the first time I couldn’t sleep for days.  Now, it’s a deep, blissful sleep.  I wonder if that means anything?  Perhaps I’ve prepared myself for this?  I wonder how she’s sleeping.

With Danyale out of my life, all I have left here is work.  Tomorrow will be a long day. Hell, the next couple of weeks at work should be pretty damn busy, and that should distract me enough.  I just need to stay busy and focused on tasks, and I’ll remain completely fine.  I told the girl before I could live without her, that I was taking her back because life was simply more enjoyable with her around, and these last couple of days have proven that fact.  I don’t need her to live, but damn if it doesn’t make me smile a lot more when I wake up next to her.

I got about two hours sleep last night, and had to do some late night driving tonight. Originally I started out drinking some Khaos Juice to keep Me awake. After I finished that one, I pulled over and bought another can of Monster, except this time I got some M-80 instead. Still though, after consuming both of these, I found myself still far from home, so I stopped at Starbucks and got myself my typical Venti Cafe Mocha, which at the time seemed a pretty good idea. But all three of these drinks don’t mix entirely too well in your stomach, and by the time I made it home, I was holding my stomach in agony. I don’t think I’ll ever be so stupid to consume energy drinks with coffee ever again.

What’s the reason for the late night drive? Well Danyale and I are up in the air again. She called me crying at 8pm, begging for me to come get her. I thought something bad had happened like a seizure or something else. Turns out she’s frustrated about things and gave into the temptation to cut. Her ex started calling her again, and I really don’t know about his motives. She says their relationship is entirely platonic, and I want to believe her, but the entire situation just makes me pause and think.

I told her we needed a break. She was crying the entire time I was driving her to her sisters, asking her mom on the phone about what to do. She told her she loved me. Hell, she bitched to them a week ago on Christmas that there wasn’t a ring on her finger. I’m so confused about things with her.

I love her with all my heart, but why do I keep having to feel so shitty about things and hold it inside of me? Being around her is fun, and I wouldn’t trade a second for anything; but, drama always seems to come up between us every few months. I don’t know if I should just break up with her and move on with my life, or keeping going on with what we have.

To be fair, what we have is magical when it works. When it doesn’t, like her, I just want to breakdown and cry. I’m conflicted about our future together, and if the time invested in her is really worth it in the end. I mean, why should I continue to love someone when every two months or so they break my heart? I’m not a masochist for emotional pain, but I keep accepting her back every time shit happens. This time, I’m really hesitant to give her carte blanch, and really want to look deep inside myself to figure what I want from the relationship.

There was a time when I was damn sure that Danyale was my soulmate.  Today, I have serious questions about that.  98% of everyones relationships don’t end in lifelong couplings, so we’re all pretty much damned to failure except with that one special person we find.  Is Danyale mine?  Am I hers?  Can her love for Me conquer her demons?  Can they conquer mine?  There’s a million questions I don’t have answers to, and it bugs the shit out of me.

For now though, she’ll be staying at her sisters—at least for a few days.  Poor Robin—she’s always the one Danyale runs to when we fight. She’s the sister that has to take her in, and support her.  Danyale is lucky though to have family close enough to be able to do that.  I don’t have that luxury.

Sleep beckons for me, and in it I hope I find solace and peace.  I’m tired of worrying about ‘us’, and it would be nice for awhile to just be able to forget about everything that ails me.  Ignorance really is truly bliss.

It sometimes seems like all I write about anymore is my love life.  Usually, things I write about that are pretty negative, but the last week has been amazing.  Danyale and I have been hanging out whenever we can, and it usually involves kisses and “I love you’s”.  And that makes everything else seem easier in my life, knowing that the girl I care about, can admit her feelings for me, and not hide them anymore.  I can almost breathe with a sigh of relief, almost anyhow.

Things aren’t completely back to normal, I wouldn’t say we’re ‘dating’ right now, because there’s still some issues that need to be worked out, but I’d say it doesn’t matter if we’re dating or not.  I suppose thats just a generic label to any relationship, but Danyale’s and I’s go beyond the typical.  It’s amazing how someone like her can brighten my day up with three little words, but cast me into hell when we fight.  No one has ever had that power over me before, and it’s a little unnerving.  But, I’ve told Danyale I’m done with fighting now.  I don’t want to argue or bicker, I just want to live.  And, since I’ve told her that, seems have genuinely gotten a lot better.

I  haven’t seen her in person in almost two days, and it’s killing me.  Talking on the phone used to be enough when we lived 600 miles apart;but, being in the same city as her, and not being able to see her is hard.  I have to bite back on myself sometimes to stop from calling her or texting her.  I wonder if she still does the same?

What would make me happy is her to share my bed again.  Sex isn’t a priority in my life, but the feeling of waking up to someone you care about is a feeling I haven’t shared with many people.  Tonight, I had an absolutely terrible day at work, and I wanted to just come home and cuddle up with her.  Of course it didn’t work out that way, but talking to her and hearing those three little words made me feel a lot better.  If I didn’t talk to her then, I’d be really, really pissed and upset at this moment, but I’m not—simply because of her.

Tomorrow I have to work early again.  Luckily, I get off at four, and her and I should be able to watch a movie tomorrow.  I’m thinking Titanic, something fun and entertaining, yet romantic at the same time.  She went to a wedding today, so I’m sure she has some thoughts of romance in her mind because of that.  I hope they’re good thoughts, not ‘oh crap! I’m scared of commitment!’ thoughts though.  Plus, we still have a few more things to talk about, especially concerning a situation that happened this weekend that we haven’t had a chance to talk about.  It’s this simple talk, and tomorrow night that will fuel me for the rest of the day, and I’ll be counting down the hours until I get off.  I just want to see the girl who has my heart, and whom I have hers.  Is that too much to ask?

Well, after work I went over to pick up Danyale and hang out with her for a bit.  I made the mistake of talking about ‘us’ again, and told her about a job I could get out in Indiana.  I really don’t want to take the damn thing, but then again, I really don’t want to hang around constantly waiting for her to make up her mind.  Our conversation quickly turned into a shouting match, with both of us screaming back and forth, but I trumped it.  I call Verizon with her right next to me in my car, to cancel her phone.   I ended up not locking her cell phone out, but we’re pretty much not speaking, and I’ve given her to next week to find someone to take over the account.

I love the damn girl still though.  But for someone who thinks she wants to marry me someday, and can’t date me….that’s a problem.   She wouldn’t tell me all what issues prevented her, just that she was scared of what I might do if we didn’t work out.  Gee, what might I do?  Cancel the phone you needed a month before we broke up?

So, it’s pretty much over now.  Things were said that we really can’t take back, and I think this is the end of my Danyale saga.  The only hope of any possible future is if she gets help, and starts to believe in us 24/7, not just when she’s in a good mood or lonely.  Even then, I don’t know if I’d want to get back with her.

For all the negative stuff that happened tonight, and the tears and screaming, I feel good.  I lost someone I really cared about, and probably due to me not being patient enough, but I still feel more at ease than I have in the past month.  I’m actually smiling to myself, sitting at home, and I don’t know why…I just feel a lot better.

Since Danyale’s been axed out of the life, I figured today would be a fun day to start playing poker again.  I bought $20 in chips online when I got home at about 10, and 7 hours later, My account has $150 in it.  It’s not too bad for nickel and dimming and passing 7 hours of time.

And surprisingly, I’ve been doing pretty good at poker again.  I haven’t really played in 9 months—Danyale never really cared for it much, and Pokerstar’s falling pretty much turned me off to it for awhile, but in a way it feels good to be back.  Even if it is exploring a vice, I’m still having fun, and treating it as entertainment.    Plus a little extra money doesn’t hurt things either .

I don’t know what tomorrow holds.  I’m in a foreign state, without friends and allies, and quite alone.  I don’t know if I will be going back to Indiana, or toughing it out here.  The reason I originally came here is lost to me, but I’ve gotten into a grind here, and maybe I should stay?  Maybe Kansas is the place I can settle down….maybe not Topeka, but there’s always Kansas City or somewhere else.   I suppose I do find the quaint Midwestern life to appealing, and as much as it saddens me to say, I could raise a family here.

But, in order to have said family, I need to finish school, and find that girl I really am meant to be with.  I thought it was Danyale, and maybe it still is, but for now, I just need some companionship.  I need friends I can go watch movies with instead of just going out drinking.  I need a lot of things, and I need a lot of help to do everything I need to do.   But I’m alone out here right now, and that scares me.  I don’t know what scares me more…that I’m alone in Kansas, or that my bed will be lonely for quite sometime indeed.

As of noon today, I’m done with her.  We had an amazing last night of watching Rent and falling asleep together.   Tears were shed on both sides, and it was quite bittersweet.  I left her lying in her bed, her face covered in her pillows, and I walked out that door and walked away.   It’s what she needs.

Who knows what will happen in the future.  As much as I hate to admit it, I guess a part of me will hope she’ll discover herself before I leave this state.   She still thinks that I’m the one she’s supposed to be with for her life, but I can’t reconcile that fact with how she is right now.  She has so much baggage she needs to shed, so many issues she needs to confront.  We told each other long ago we’d never leave each other, but that was a lie.  She left first, now it’s my turn.

Strangely, I feel good.  There’s no more ambiguity in my life.  All that’s left is to get back on my feet, hold my head up, and go on.  I know I’ll find someone I’ll love as much as her one day; someone I can spend my life with, and who isn’t afraid of commitment or the future.  I’m a good person, and I just need to go out and look.  I can’t just mope at home anymore; I have to start living again.

I was reading all the love letters she’s sent me these last couple of years, and one really touched me.  It was her scared that I couldn’t be monogamous with her.  That my sex drive would be too much, and I’d need other women.  It turns out that was partly right, but the roles were reversed.   I think she’s bored with me.  She needs that excitement in her life of a new guy every so often, and maybe she isn’t ready to settle down.  Maybe she never will.   I know I still love her though, but I can’t live my life without knowing.

So what happens now?  Do I stay in Kansas or move on?  I was so ready to settle down here, and maybe I will.  Going back to Indiana has its own merits of course, but I don’t know if I can do that.  I was so proud and determined when I left there, and part of me would feel ashamed to go back.  I think I want to stay out here, or maybe move elsewhere.  I can’t afford to really move anywhere else right now anyhow, so the point is moot.

I have to work in an hour, and I’m looking forward to that.   After work, we’re meeting up at a local bar and that should be fun too.  It’s not too often I get to spend some time with my co-workers outside of work, and it’ll be nice for a change.  Wednesday was originally penciled in to have dinner with Danyale, so I’m free that night.   Maybe I should go out to Kansas City, hang out somewhere and try to meet some new people?  Thursday night I’m heading over to Stephanie’s and Josh’s to watch a movie, and just spend time with them.   I need to find something to do to stay busy the next few days after that, but I’m sure something will come up.    It’s past time to start being alive again.

This is day 4 of a 14-day journal exploring the thoughts and feelings behind my recent breakup.

Today was weird from the get go. I couldn’t sleep last night, and didn’t fall asleep until about 9am today. Danyale called again around 10:30 am, asking if I could go to lunch with her, but I told her no at the time. I was too tired, and just couldn’t get out of bed. So I told her good bye, and went back to sleep for a few more hours.

She called me again at 12:30, turns out the flowers I had delivered to her were delivered early, and she called me about them. She asked about lunch again, and I threw on some clothes and raced down to her work to pick her up. I got there with about 30 minutes remaining in her lunch, and we drove quickly to Burger King. Lunch was spent in the inside of my car, eating our matching double stacker combos. It was nice.

It was the first time she had someone send her flowers. I thought about it before, but when she was living in Highland, there was no one who would deliver them for under $60. She said she loved the flowers, and it made me happy to see her smile again.

But it doesn’t feel like we’re broken up, and that’s causing problems. Since she wanted to be on her own for a little bit, party, get wild, and whatever; she can’t do that with calling daily and me calling her baby and telling her I love her. So tonight, I told her to take a few days off. She said she’s been thinking the same thing for awhile, so we kind of agreed to it. But none of us could hang up the phone. She sat there almost in tears, pleading with me to hang up, and I just couldn’t. In the end, she had to threaten to not talk to me if I didn’t. Sadly, I caved in and hung up.

I wish I hadn’t though. If it’s that tough to hang up the phone, why are we broken up? Is it really that awkward me sending flowers and trying to rekindle a relationship we both believe in? Isn’t that what we talk about when we tell each other will still love the other, and talk about big mistakes?

What does she hope to find? She says she can’t put aside the possibility that we’ll end up back together, but what is going to change in two months, six months, or even a year? Our problem wasn’t that things needed to change; it’s that we needed to respect each other, and not be so aggressive. The love is always there, and even when we fought, she would sometimes make me smile, which would piss her off even more.

It looks like the next few days or maybe even weeks will be interesting. What she does in that period of time, could determine what happens to us. Do we get back together, or do we grow apart? Will she find what she thinks she wants? Will she miss me? Will she need me? These are all the questions that haunt my thoughts when I lie down to sleep. I can’t fall asleep usually, because these damn thoughts are flooding my head, and I can’t shut them out. These next few weeks will be nerve wracking for me, and for her too I bet.

I love you baby. Forever and ever.