Deep Inside My Thoughts

I can barely fall asleep at a reasonable time anymore.  When I do, I’m either out for a few hours, or all day.  How I can sleep three hours a night for a week, and sleep 16 one day is beyond me.  I’m tired all the time, worn out, mentally and physically exhausted.   I feel like there’s an immense pressure bearing down on me all the time, and I can’t just explain it.

I don’t feel like I get satisfaction out of anything anymore.  I don’t think anything I’ll do will be good enough, and things that should make me happy, just don’t.   I want to be alone most of the time, and most of the time I’m alone, I want to be with someone.  My mind is a paradox, ever wanting the opposite of what I have.

Could it be depression?  I suppose it could be.  I fit the criteria of the DSM IV for it.  So, I’m depressed, what now?  Talk about it?  Go take meds?  Is that supposed to fix me?  Make me feel better?  Talking won’t help and I have issues about being dependant on a pill to make me feel better.   People have survived thousands of years without taking pills, so why should we?  Is the idea of medication for everything really a good idea?

Look at Danyale for example.  She’s epileptic and depressed.  She takes two pills for her epilepsy,   Add another one in for her depression and mood swings, and another when she cant sleep.  That’s four medications a day, which works out to be like 12 pills.  Why would I want to do that?  She still has crazy wicked mood swings, even when she’s on them.  So again, what’s the point?  What do they fix?

With other people, maybe they do get better.  But they change too.  I might be damaged and might feel less than whole, but I’m myself.  Perhaps Depression is my defining characteristic, or just a fraction of me.  Time will be the judge of that.  All I’m concerned about right now is riding out this current storm, and getting to that light and the end of the tunnel.

This next week at work should keep me pretty occupied during the day, and I’ll be with coworkers for most of the night too.  I have to go to Salina to take a Soils Tester class for my CIT training, and three other people are going with me.   We all seem to get along for the most part, so it will be nice to network after these god damn classes.   Still, I’ll be down there for a week, so it will suck to live out of a hotel  until then, but I’m sure I’ll manage as always.

Danyale and I are standing on the cusp of another break up.  I don’t feel anything anymore, and I don’t think that bodes well for us.  Apathy is death, after all.  It seems just like last time, it really got worse in the last week or two, but it’s been going downhill for about a month now.  I don’t think we’ll recover from it either.

She’s been moody and depressed for awhile now, and I’ve put up with it as long as I could, even with me being depressed and moody too.  A few weeks ago when she had a seizure and puked up all over the bed, I found myself not being worried, but being pissed that my bed was destroyed.  That’s not right.  I shouldn’t feel that way about someone I care about.  I felt bad at it at the time, but in hindsight, it was a glimpse of what would happen.

I still love Danyale, and she says she still loves me, but whats the point of love if you can’t get along?  If all we do is fight now, whats the point of being together?  She says I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t.  I come home, give her a kiss, and hop on the computer, the one place I know will be reasonably drama free.

She’ll read her books, and I’ll waste my time in Azeroth. We’ll go eat, and talk, but usually end up fighting, which pisses one of us off, and makes the other not want to be around them.  There seems almost no way to be civil anymore, and although I hate to lose her, I don’t think there’s any other option.

The weight of being the only one working is overcoming the joy she gives.  The constant fighting is wearing me down, and making me depressed too.  Her counseling was working wonders for weeks, but she seems to have slipped even worse.  I’d love to be able to help her, but it seems I did better on that aspect when I was 600 miles away and just a voice on the phone.

For two years I’ve been out here, and for two years all I have to show for myself is her.  I’m scared of losing her on one hand, but terrified of the stress if we stay together.   Like usual, I’m not too entirely sure of what to do with her and not too damn sure of what will happen if we stay together.  I just wish I had some sort of crystal ball to gaze into the future with, something that would let me see what would happen, so I could feel better about things.  Because right now, the damn uncertainty is killing me worse than the failure of my relationship.

It’s been a week since my dad’s been out here.  It was nice seeing him again, and it was a damn quick two days.  In retrospect, I probably should have had him come out for a little more than 2 days, maybe three, but I didn’t know if I could have taken the time of work.  Knowing what I do now, I probably wouldn’t have.

The first day he was here, we lounged around pretty much.  All three of us (Him, Danyale and I) went to see “Stop Loss” at the movies.  I was surprised when I saw it was an MTV Film, but it was enjoyable none-the-less.  Their movies have certainly come to age since “Varsity Blue’s” and it was a surprising quasi-complicated film about a serious issue.

The second day was even more casual than the first.  We ended up heading down to Lawrence,  and stopping to eat at the Applebee’s there.  After a heavy lunch, we drove by the KU campus.  I’ve never been by it, and let me say, that damn thing is massive!  It was beautiful too.  Ball State always prided itself on it’s architecture, but it has nothing on KU on landscaping.

After driving around KU, we headed out to Baldwin City to something I saw when I was driving around before, something called the Old Castle Museum.  Not really thinking too much about it, we decided to head down there.  Now when something is called an Old Castle Museum, it brings certain thoughts to one’s head.  However, actually seeing the damn thing—essentially an over-sized three-story house, was disappointing.  At least I got a picture of myself in front of the damn thing.  Hell, it was even closed the day we went.

After that disappointing screw up, we headed to the Battle of Blackjack, which is essentially a marker, and about it.  There was a neat sign up, along with a small shelter house, but there wasn’t too much to see.  Danyale took some more pictures of everything, and we made the short drive back to Topeka listening to her sleep and snore the entire way there.

I had to stop by work real quick because I got a call earlier that day that Kent got fired.  I went in and talked to Gene about things, and turns out Kent wasn’t just forging critical counts and inventory, he was outright stealing.   When I called Kent to ask what happened, he kept just crying and crying, and saying he lost his job.  Usually I would have sympathy for someone, but for a thief I simply lack the ability to care.  Besides, turns out he told Dan (our new Area Manager) it was ME stealing to try to absolve his guilt.  Dan didn’t believe him, but at work, we’re on a much tighter leash now.  I suppose it’s a good thing, but I generally trust everyone I work with right now.  We haven’t had a problem with money in the last few days, and people are much, much happier that Kent is gone.

I’m happy he’s gone too, but I’m not happy I had to pick up hours.  Like I said, I turned in my notice a week ago, and effectively, it’s off.  I told Dan I’d stay for awhile, to see if things improve, and we’re supposed to have a meeting about a possible pay raise this week.  I’ve worked 57 hours so far this week, and still have ten more to go tomorrow.  I’m tired, and I’m exhausted.  Next week, I’m only penciled in for 69 hours, but I might be able to take a day off if we steal a manager or two from another store.  Otherwise, I’ll be working non-stop without a day off for a long ass time.   That starts to take a toll on people.

I was frustrated a week ago about work and everything else, and I’m still about the same.   I might be just a wee bit more optimistic right now, but I know I want something different from my life, and managing a pizza store isn’t going to cut it.  I need to make a damn change, and do something so I can be happy again.  I was so damn euphoric when I moved out to Kansas, and besides being with Danyale, that euphoria has worn off.  I don’t know if I need to just get out of Kansas or just find something to make a career out of here, but I know I need to make a change.

It’s almost 6 am, and I have to be at work in 8 hours.  I’ll sleep for five or so, and get up.  That’s all the sleep I’ve been running on in the last week or so, and it’s hard to do so.  It used to be that on my day’s off, I’d sleep in for about ten or twelve hours, and catch up on some neglected sleep.  It’s a shame I don’t have that opportunity anymore, because I’m in a much better mood when I do so.

Danyale’s been having problems with me working so many hours.  I told her next day off I get, we could head to the zoo that she’s been trying to drag me to for over a year, and I think that would make her happy.  It’s not quite the Indianapolis Zoo, but she seems to want to go see it, and I want to make her happy.  Besides, playing the dumb tourist and relaxing in town doesn’t seem too bad all of a sudden.

I just need more free time.

I need a life again.

A week ago Danyale and I broke up.  We’ve only really talked a few times since then, but talking to each other has made us both a little more hurt.  I still love the girl—I always will, and she still loves me.  But, she has so many issues she needs to work out that it seems I take the fault for them, and I never take enough of the blame.

She asked to get married a few days ago.  Someday, I do see myself married to her, but how in the hell can I say yes when there’s trauma in our lives?  She won’t move back in because she thinks being stuck in a small apartment is the fault.  I won’t date her until she’s moved back in, because after a year, we’re either serious, or we’re not.  I can’t get a new apartment right this moment either, which means neither of us are happy as we could be, and we’re both getting frustrated at the situation.

I really am taking this breakup better this time than last.  Maybe it’s because even though we’re broken up, things are still vaguely the same, or that I really came to the conclusion last time that I can exist without her.  I’ve been sleeping fine for this entire week, only pausing once every so often to think about her.

Don’t get me wrong, I really do miss her.  I miss having someone to cuddle up to at night.  I miss that damn smile of hers.  I even miss knowing she’ll be mad at me cause I stayed up most of the night again.  It’s funny how things, both positive and negative, can be missed so easily.

After calling it quits yet again, I had time to reflect on what I wanted to do in the next couple of weeks.

1. Catch up with Lost

When Danyale moved in months upon months ago, I found I suddenly didn’t have time to keep up to date with this TV show.  I’m stuck somewhere around episode 12 in Season 3, and since Season 4 just came out, now is a good time to play catch up.  It should entertain me for roughly 15 hours or so.

2. Visit the Cosmosphere

I actually wanted to go here last time my dad came to see me.  It’s about 4 hours away, so it wasn’t something we could quite work out, but solo I can drive there and back in the same day.  If worse comes to worse, I can always rent a cheap solo room.   This museum looks pretty kick ass, I mean, it even has its own SR-71.  From what I’ve read, it also focuses on the Soviet space program also, which I’m really not too familiar with.   This could easily be a day or two of entertainment.

3. Get completely lost.

Back in  Indiana, I used to just hop in a car and drive.  I really haven’t had the time or the inclination to do that in Kansas.  I know almost no roads here, and I’m sure there’s plenty of neat things to see.  Part of the fun of just taking off for a day trip is eating at mom-and-pop restaurants and just experiening local things.  All I need to do is load up the car with gas and music, grab a four-sided dice, and start rolling.  Fate and chance will take me where I need to go, and then I have the fun of figuring out a way back.  Easily a 8 hour or so diversion based on my gas tank.

4. Go to a concert

I haven’t been to a concert in ages, and although going alone isn’t quite as fun, it would be fun to check out Sprint Center sometime.   There’s a Matchbox 20 concert going on in a few months, and although all their music doesn’t entirely click with me, I really like their new album.   I’d be able to add a few more ticket stubs to my collection,and chill out to (moderately) kick ass band.

5. No-limit Texas Hold’Em At Prairie Band 

I haven’t had the chance to play poker in quite awhile, espically since Pokerstar’s isn’t serving American customers anymore, and Bodog’s has had some legal problems of its own.  While it can’t compete to playing poker at home, I think it’d be fun to head up to Prairie Band with $200 or so, and make a night of it.  I’d probably end up losing most of it, but I’d have a blast doing it.  Easily a night out, and I might even get a room out of it.

I got about two hours sleep last night, and had to do some late night driving tonight. Originally I started out drinking some Khaos Juice to keep Me awake. After I finished that one, I pulled over and bought another can of Monster, except this time I got some M-80 instead. Still though, after consuming both of these, I found myself still far from home, so I stopped at Starbucks and got myself my typical Venti Cafe Mocha, which at the time seemed a pretty good idea. But all three of these drinks don’t mix entirely too well in your stomach, and by the time I made it home, I was holding my stomach in agony. I don’t think I’ll ever be so stupid to consume energy drinks with coffee ever again.

What’s the reason for the late night drive? Well Danyale and I are up in the air again. She called me crying at 8pm, begging for me to come get her. I thought something bad had happened like a seizure or something else. Turns out she’s frustrated about things and gave into the temptation to cut. Her ex started calling her again, and I really don’t know about his motives. She says their relationship is entirely platonic, and I want to believe her, but the entire situation just makes me pause and think.

I told her we needed a break. She was crying the entire time I was driving her to her sisters, asking her mom on the phone about what to do. She told her she loved me. Hell, she bitched to them a week ago on Christmas that there wasn’t a ring on her finger. I’m so confused about things with her.

I love her with all my heart, but why do I keep having to feel so shitty about things and hold it inside of me? Being around her is fun, and I wouldn’t trade a second for anything; but, drama always seems to come up between us every few months. I don’t know if I should just break up with her and move on with my life, or keeping going on with what we have.

To be fair, what we have is magical when it works. When it doesn’t, like her, I just want to breakdown and cry. I’m conflicted about our future together, and if the time invested in her is really worth it in the end. I mean, why should I continue to love someone when every two months or so they break my heart? I’m not a masochist for emotional pain, but I keep accepting her back every time shit happens. This time, I’m really hesitant to give her carte blanch, and really want to look deep inside myself to figure what I want from the relationship.

There was a time when I was damn sure that Danyale was my soulmate.  Today, I have serious questions about that.  98% of everyones relationships don’t end in lifelong couplings, so we’re all pretty much damned to failure except with that one special person we find.  Is Danyale mine?  Am I hers?  Can her love for Me conquer her demons?  Can they conquer mine?  There’s a million questions I don’t have answers to, and it bugs the shit out of me.

For now though, she’ll be staying at her sisters—at least for a few days.  Poor Robin—she’s always the one Danyale runs to when we fight. She’s the sister that has to take her in, and support her.  Danyale is lucky though to have family close enough to be able to do that.  I don’t have that luxury.

Sleep beckons for me, and in it I hope I find solace and peace.  I’m tired of worrying about ‘us’, and it would be nice for awhile to just be able to forget about everything that ails me.  Ignorance really is truly bliss.

Grey Goose vodka is by far my vodka of choice.  Ever since I had it at a party quite a few years ago, I’ve been hooked on it, and it’s basically pretty much the only thing I’ll drink, save the ocassional beer.  Tonight is different though.  I’m laying in bed, with a bottle of ice cold vodka sitting next to me, and I’m drinking straight from the bottle.

When it comes to drinking, I’m pretty damn responsible.  I never drink and drive, nor do I usually actually get drunk, but let me tell you, composing a blog post while drunk is frustrating.  It’s all endless corrections, both spelling and grammar.  Writing comes easily enough to me when I’m sober, but with a few (or more than a few) swigs of Vodka, my head is spinning and thoughts are coming out dislocated.

My drunken thoughts tonight turn to my own reality.   It’s often said that perception is one’s own reality, and what’s real doesn’t particularly matter, since it’s all how we perceive things.  But how does one ensure his own reality is actually what’s really happening?  How can someone make decisions based on what may turn out to be half-truths?  Personal bias distort the perception, so am I  really hearing or seeing what I really am seeing?

Sure, I’m beating around the bush about the core issue of this blog post.  I’m afraid to come out and say it.  But, how really can I be sure of things?  My heart says one thing, but my mind and logic lead me to another.  Am I just a pessimistic person in general, reading negativity into anything and everything I can?  I’m happy most of the time, but damnit, I see a storm cloud inside a silver linging and wonder.   Even the smallest things get my logic going off on a tangent.  I need to stop…

I can’t write anymore.  I need to sleep.  I need to shut down my damn brain, and just drift off into mindless dreamlands.

Well, after work I went over to pick up Danyale and hang out with her for a bit.  I made the mistake of talking about ‘us’ again, and told her about a job I could get out in Indiana.  I really don’t want to take the damn thing, but then again, I really don’t want to hang around constantly waiting for her to make up her mind.  Our conversation quickly turned into a shouting match, with both of us screaming back and forth, but I trumped it.  I call Verizon with her right next to me in my car, to cancel her phone.   I ended up not locking her cell phone out, but we’re pretty much not speaking, and I’ve given her to next week to find someone to take over the account.

I love the damn girl still though.  But for someone who thinks she wants to marry me someday, and can’t date me….that’s a problem.   She wouldn’t tell me all what issues prevented her, just that she was scared of what I might do if we didn’t work out.  Gee, what might I do?  Cancel the phone you needed a month before we broke up?

So, it’s pretty much over now.  Things were said that we really can’t take back, and I think this is the end of my Danyale saga.  The only hope of any possible future is if she gets help, and starts to believe in us 24/7, not just when she’s in a good mood or lonely.  Even then, I don’t know if I’d want to get back with her.

For all the negative stuff that happened tonight, and the tears and screaming, I feel good.  I lost someone I really cared about, and probably due to me not being patient enough, but I still feel more at ease than I have in the past month.  I’m actually smiling to myself, sitting at home, and I don’t know why…I just feel a lot better.

Since Danyale’s been axed out of the life, I figured today would be a fun day to start playing poker again.  I bought $20 in chips online when I got home at about 10, and 7 hours later, My account has $150 in it.  It’s not too bad for nickel and dimming and passing 7 hours of time.

And surprisingly, I’ve been doing pretty good at poker again.  I haven’t really played in 9 months—Danyale never really cared for it much, and Pokerstar’s falling pretty much turned me off to it for awhile, but in a way it feels good to be back.  Even if it is exploring a vice, I’m still having fun, and treating it as entertainment.    Plus a little extra money doesn’t hurt things either .

I don’t know what tomorrow holds.  I’m in a foreign state, without friends and allies, and quite alone.  I don’t know if I will be going back to Indiana, or toughing it out here.  The reason I originally came here is lost to me, but I’ve gotten into a grind here, and maybe I should stay?  Maybe Kansas is the place I can settle down….maybe not Topeka, but there’s always Kansas City or somewhere else.   I suppose I do find the quaint Midwestern life to appealing, and as much as it saddens me to say, I could raise a family here.

But, in order to have said family, I need to finish school, and find that girl I really am meant to be with.  I thought it was Danyale, and maybe it still is, but for now, I just need some companionship.  I need friends I can go watch movies with instead of just going out drinking.  I need a lot of things, and I need a lot of help to do everything I need to do.   But I’m alone out here right now, and that scares me.  I don’t know what scares me more…that I’m alone in Kansas, or that my bed will be lonely for quite sometime indeed.

This is day 4 of a 14-day journal exploring the thoughts and feelings behind my recent breakup.

Today was weird from the get go. I couldn’t sleep last night, and didn’t fall asleep until about 9am today. Danyale called again around 10:30 am, asking if I could go to lunch with her, but I told her no at the time. I was too tired, and just couldn’t get out of bed. So I told her good bye, and went back to sleep for a few more hours.

She called me again at 12:30, turns out the flowers I had delivered to her were delivered early, and she called me about them. She asked about lunch again, and I threw on some clothes and raced down to her work to pick her up. I got there with about 30 minutes remaining in her lunch, and we drove quickly to Burger King. Lunch was spent in the inside of my car, eating our matching double stacker combos. It was nice.

It was the first time she had someone send her flowers. I thought about it before, but when she was living in Highland, there was no one who would deliver them for under $60. She said she loved the flowers, and it made me happy to see her smile again.

But it doesn’t feel like we’re broken up, and that’s causing problems. Since she wanted to be on her own for a little bit, party, get wild, and whatever; she can’t do that with calling daily and me calling her baby and telling her I love her. So tonight, I told her to take a few days off. She said she’s been thinking the same thing for awhile, so we kind of agreed to it. But none of us could hang up the phone. She sat there almost in tears, pleading with me to hang up, and I just couldn’t. In the end, she had to threaten to not talk to me if I didn’t. Sadly, I caved in and hung up.

I wish I hadn’t though. If it’s that tough to hang up the phone, why are we broken up? Is it really that awkward me sending flowers and trying to rekindle a relationship we both believe in? Isn’t that what we talk about when we tell each other will still love the other, and talk about big mistakes?

What does she hope to find? She says she can’t put aside the possibility that we’ll end up back together, but what is going to change in two months, six months, or even a year? Our problem wasn’t that things needed to change; it’s that we needed to respect each other, and not be so aggressive. The love is always there, and even when we fought, she would sometimes make me smile, which would piss her off even more.

It looks like the next few days or maybe even weeks will be interesting. What she does in that period of time, could determine what happens to us. Do we get back together, or do we grow apart? Will she find what she thinks she wants? Will she miss me? Will she need me? These are all the questions that haunt my thoughts when I lie down to sleep. I can’t fall asleep usually, because these damn thoughts are flooding my head, and I can’t shut them out. These next few weeks will be nerve wracking for me, and for her too I bet.

I love you baby. Forever and ever.

This is day 3 of a 14-day journal exploring the thoughts and feelings behind my recent breakup.

Lunch today was great! I got to her work about 20 minutes early, so I passed the time playing on my cell until she came out. She looked so damn beautiful in just a white shirt…its crazy what a few days will do to you. I suppose you never know what you have until you lose it right?

So during the drive to pick up her check, and head to the bank, we’re talking and joking. It’s quite a weird feeling breaking up with someone, and joking, talking, and even kissing here and there. I wouldn’t say she’s having as tough of a time as I am, but still, I can tell the past few days have taken a toll on her. Lunch wasn’t very serious, but I said I loved her again, and she said it back.

After we got her check, we ran to the bank, and finally speed to the restaurant to eat. We choose Hardies, because, well, it just sounded good and quick. We ended up going through drive-thru to grab some burgers, and sat in the car to eat. On the way back to her work, I had my arm wrapped around her, just feeling good just holding her one more time. There was some more small talk on the way, and her telling me she wouldn’t make a rash decision. I told her she had two months to make up her mind.

It was decided I’d pick her up from work at six, so we could immediately go out to dinner. Problem was, we weren’t very hungry then, so we stopped in at Best Buy so she could buy a cell phone case. She got a respectable clear case for her new RAZR V3m, and we left. We still weren’t quite hungry, so we went to Target to look around.

Target occupied us for about two hours, just walking around the entire store, her buying some clothes and what not. We were holding hands about 20 minutes in, joking around, and kissing each other when the aisles were clear. It was very nice! Probably the only time I’ll never ever bitch about shopping again. Just spending time with her was…amazing!

Texas Roadhouse is what we decided on for dinner. Turns out, she’d never been there before. I found that quite odd, because I used to go to Roadhouse quite a bit back in Indiana. But, she seemed to enjoy the ambiance there, and as it turns out, every song they played there was a depressing love song. That was kind of ironic. \

The dinner went quite well, except for her mix up with her salad. Turns out she didn’t like the first one because it had tomato on it, and the second one, she didn’t like because of the taste of the dressing. Oh, and she wanted that second one to be “only crispy lettuce” (iceburg), which might have contributed to the taste . Right after I had finished eating, she’s cutting her medium rare steak, and her knife slips, and she knocks animal blood all over me. All I could do is look back at her with a stunned face while she laughed. I was laughing on the inside, promise.\

She needed to get home, so I drove to her sisters house. We sat outside for maybe 10 minutes talking, and kissing. The whole entire date kind of felt like the giddy feeling you’d get back in high school when you landed a date with the chick you loved forever. It was hard watching her go back inside her new ‘home’, but I screamed “You had Me at ASL!” as I drove off. I’m pretty sure it made her smile. God, I love her smile, it really does make me weak.

I figured she had a great time tonight, and I know I did. Since I’m trying to romance her back, I’ve arranged for three roses to be delivered to her work tomorrow. The card reads “Last night was amazing, I miss you, and I love you ‘forever and ever’. Love, Aaron”. I don’t know how she’ll react, but I think the flowers were beautiful, and I think it will really brighten up her day, as well as get her mind on to me.

With us saying we still love each other, I don’t see how things can’t work themselves out. When that happens—if it happens—, it will be like that fairy tale love she claims she can’t find. All she has to do is open her eyes, and give me a reason and a purpose.