Christmas has never been a very important day for me in a long, long while. Of course when I was younger, I’d always look forward to it every year, like every child would, but as I grew up, it became less and less important. The final straw was when my grandmother died, and Christmas just hasn’t been the same ever since. The family was less inclined to be together, and it just didn’t feel as special as it had before.
I haven’t believed in God in quite awhile, yet I used to look forward to Christmas. Christmas just isn’t a Christian holiday anymore—it’s a day of consumption, of overspending, and of giving gifts. That transcends everything, and makes it a universal commercial holiday. That’s how I justify Christmas, even though I don’t believe in Christ or God, I do believe in the tradition of commercialism.
My grandfather passed away this month too. They were the set that even though they lived 5 minutes away, I barely saw them twice a year. Birthdays, and Christmases, and the occasional dinner, that’s all I’ve seen of them. I lived my entire life compartmented from them. I love my grandfather, I wouldn’t say I knew him, but I loved him. His loss was easier to take though simply because I didn’t spend every day around him, unlike my other grandmother who I saw every day.
The point I’m attempting to make here is family isn’t as important to me at Christmas as it once was. We just send checks or gift cards anymore, and I haven’t seen them in two years since I moved out here. I’ve seen my dad a few times, but that’s it. I go on day-by-day, talking to family when I can, but always moving forward. Even at Christmas time, I’m equally happy to be alone, lounging around on this day. As a matter of personal tradition, I’ve had Chinese for dinner for something like the last 5 years or so. That goes hand-in-hand with my thanksgiving dinner at Cracker Barrel.
I’m a lone wolf. I’ll always be more comfortable alone than I will with large amounts of family. I suppose it might change once I have children on my own, but for right now, solitude is peace for me. That’s part of the reason I came out here was for solitude. The other reason I thought was spiritual in a sense—to find myself, but that has failed miserably, and wasn’t probably a good idea to begin with.
Christmas time…just another day for me.
