I can barely fall asleep at a reasonable time anymore. When I do, I’m either out for a few hours, or all day. How I can sleep three hours a night for a week, and sleep 16 one day is beyond me. I’m tired all the time, worn out, mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like there’s an immense pressure bearing down on me all the time, and I can’t just explain it.
I don’t feel like I get satisfaction out of anything anymore. I don’t think anything I’ll do will be good enough, and things that should make me happy, just don’t. I want to be alone most of the time, and most of the time I’m alone, I want to be with someone. My mind is a paradox, ever wanting the opposite of what I have.
Could it be depression? I suppose it could be. I fit the criteria of the DSM IV for it. So, I’m depressed, what now? Talk about it? Go take meds? Is that supposed to fix me? Make me feel better? Talking won’t help and I have issues about being dependant on a pill to make me feel better. People have survived thousands of years without taking pills, so why should we? Is the idea of medication for everything really a good idea?
Look at Danyale for example. She’s epileptic and depressed. She takes two pills for her epilepsy, Add another one in for her depression and mood swings, and another when she cant sleep. That’s four medications a day, which works out to be like 12 pills. Why would I want to do that? She still has crazy wicked mood swings, even when she’s on them. So again, what’s the point? What do they fix?
With other people, maybe they do get better. But they change too. I might be damaged and might feel less than whole, but I’m myself. Perhaps Depression is my defining characteristic, or just a fraction of me. Time will be the judge of that. All I’m concerned about right now is riding out this current storm, and getting to that light and the end of the tunnel.
This next week at work should keep me pretty occupied during the day, and I’ll be with coworkers for most of the night too. I have to go to Salina to take a Soils Tester class for my CIT training, and three other people are going with me. We all seem to get along for the most part, so it will be nice to network after these god damn classes. Still, I’ll be down there for a week, so it will suck to live out of a hotel until then, but I’m sure I’ll manage as always.
