Deep Inside My Thoughts

So, I decided last night to update my blog, change it to a new theme, and basically give it a totally new look again.  Its tasks like these that entertain me.  For some reason, hours will fly by as I’m downloading something to play with, editing the code to my liking, and perfecting how I want it.  There’s so much unreasonable bloat with Wordpress themes, and what I really hate is the ‘free’ themes you find have links to gambling and such sites.

You see these people give away these themes for free, while at the same time promoting other sites.  If 1,000 sites install this theme, then when Google indexes them, they will see 1,000 links pointing at this page about, lets say, horse racing.  This inflates the page rank of the horse racing site, and it will rank up higher in search results.  Is it ethical?  Not too many things are anymore.

Anyhow, I hate stuff like that.  I don’t really want to promote things like that either.  So I take the time to edit that stuff out, get rid of a few boxes I don’t need, and tweak here and there.  Overall I think I’m satisfied with the new look, and think it better reflects me than that impressionist theme I had before.

I want to start blogging again, and keep it up.  I want to record my daily thoughts and fears, but quite frankly, I’m just not interesting enough anymore to do it as much as I used to.  I’ve been reduced to a corporate drone, work and sleep, and nothing more.   My professional and personal lives are spent behind a screen, or occasionally at work inspecting construction.  But jesus, the paper work there is the real job, not making sure someone installs an expansion joint right.

Here’s to bureaucracy .

Christmas has never been a very important day for me in a long, long while.  Of course when I was younger, I’d always look forward to it every year, like every child would, but as I grew up, it became less and less important.  The final straw was when my grandmother died, and Christmas just hasn’t been the same ever since.  The family was less inclined to be together, and it just didn’t feel as special as it had before.

I haven’t believed in God in quite awhile, yet I used to look forward to Christmas.  Christmas just isn’t a Christian holiday anymore—it’s a day of consumption, of overspending, and of giving gifts.  That transcends everything, and makes it a universal commercial holiday.  That’s how I justify Christmas, even though I don’t believe in Christ or God, I do believe in the tradition of commercialism.

My grandfather passed away this month too.  They were the set that even though they lived 5 minutes away, I barely saw them twice a year.  Birthdays, and Christmases, and the occasional dinner, that’s all I’ve seen of them.  I lived my entire life compartmented from them.  I love my grandfather, I wouldn’t say I knew him, but I loved him.  His loss was easier to take though simply because I didn’t spend every day around him, unlike my other grandmother who I saw every day.

The point I’m attempting to make here is family isn’t as important to me at Christmas as it once was.   We just send checks or gift cards anymore, and I haven’t seen them in two years since I moved out here.  I’ve seen my dad a few times, but that’s it.  I go on day-by-day, talking to family when I can, but always moving forward.  Even at Christmas time, I’m equally happy to be alone, lounging around on this day.  As a matter of personal tradition, I’ve had Chinese for dinner for something like the last 5 years or so.   That goes hand-in-hand with my thanksgiving dinner at Cracker Barrel.

I’m a lone wolf.  I’ll always be more comfortable alone than I will with large amounts of family.  I suppose it might change once I have children on my own, but for right now, solitude is peace for me.  That’s part of the reason I came out here was for solitude.  The other reason I thought was spiritual in a sense—to find myself, but that has failed miserably, and wasn’t probably a good idea to begin with.

Christmas time…just another day for me.

I can barely fall asleep at a reasonable time anymore.  When I do, I’m either out for a few hours, or all day.  How I can sleep three hours a night for a week, and sleep 16 one day is beyond me.  I’m tired all the time, worn out, mentally and physically exhausted.   I feel like there’s an immense pressure bearing down on me all the time, and I can’t just explain it.

I don’t feel like I get satisfaction out of anything anymore.  I don’t think anything I’ll do will be good enough, and things that should make me happy, just don’t.   I want to be alone most of the time, and most of the time I’m alone, I want to be with someone.  My mind is a paradox, ever wanting the opposite of what I have.

Could it be depression?  I suppose it could be.  I fit the criteria of the DSM IV for it.  So, I’m depressed, what now?  Talk about it?  Go take meds?  Is that supposed to fix me?  Make me feel better?  Talking won’t help and I have issues about being dependant on a pill to make me feel better.   People have survived thousands of years without taking pills, so why should we?  Is the idea of medication for everything really a good idea?

Look at Danyale for example.  She’s epileptic and depressed.  She takes two pills for her epilepsy,   Add another one in for her depression and mood swings, and another when she cant sleep.  That’s four medications a day, which works out to be like 12 pills.  Why would I want to do that?  She still has crazy wicked mood swings, even when she’s on them.  So again, what’s the point?  What do they fix?

With other people, maybe they do get better.  But they change too.  I might be damaged and might feel less than whole, but I’m myself.  Perhaps Depression is my defining characteristic, or just a fraction of me.  Time will be the judge of that.  All I’m concerned about right now is riding out this current storm, and getting to that light and the end of the tunnel.

This next week at work should keep me pretty occupied during the day, and I’ll be with coworkers for most of the night too.  I have to go to Salina to take a Soils Tester class for my CIT training, and three other people are going with me.   We all seem to get along for the most part, so it will be nice to network after these god damn classes.   Still, I’ll be down there for a week, so it will suck to live out of a hotel  until then, but I’m sure I’ll manage as always.