Deep Inside My Thoughts

There are feelings of guilt, of what if’s floating around in my thoughts now.  The nature of the beast is that I always blame myself.  Everything is fine one day, and terrible the next.   This is the cycle which I go through.  More days like these, and I’ll be thru the first stage.

Danyale didn’t call today, and didn’t call me back last night when I returned her call.  The voice mails she left simply said “I love you”, and when I made the mistake of actually talking to her on the phone, we got into a screaming match.  I think I hung up on her.  I’m not in the mood to put up with the bullshit anymore.

She called us soul mates.  She had a wedding planned out almost.  I did, and do love her.  But she lied straight to my face, and I can’t let that slide.  I can let my car being totaled, I can handle her seizures and mood swings, but not being lied to.  It put everything that we said into doubt once again.  I hate lying here in bed and wondering in my mind if such and such was true, or a damn lie.

Still, she swears to me something didn’t happen, even when it’s black and white before my very own eyes.   I left work to deal with this shit.  Not only did she hurt me, but she cost me time too.  When I got here everything was so angry, so callous, you couldn’t tell we kissed each other sweetly hours before when I went to work.  How quickly things truly break down will always amaze me.

I’m alone right now in a quiet apartment.  I can hear water dripping from the faucet in my bathroom, and all I can do is think.  I’ve been here before with her.  I’ve always taken her back in the past.  I moved out here for her, and because of that, she’s gotten special treatment…she’s gotten away with things that never would have flown in Indiana.  Is she special?  Were we soul mates?  Turns out our saying of ‘forever and ever’ like some star-struck teen lovers wasn’t too endearing.  I hope I have the strength to stand up for how I feel against her.  I hope I don’t give in to the temporary euphoria and happiness only to damn myself to more pain and suffering.

Her family hates me, and mine hate her.  There’s probably good reason to that.  Maybe they could see what me and her both couldn’t.  My eyes are open, my thoughts conflicted, but I still would say I love her.  That will always be my downfall.

But I do believe she really did love me, and did want everything she promised.  She would cut and self injure when we’d fight, and for someone you’re just playing, you wouldn’t do that.   There was love there.  I think we thrived on the fighting.  Our fights are real what defined our relationship—-how far we’d go to hurt the other.  I can only imagine what she’s doing right now.  Maybe she’s crying, maybe she’s in pain, but maybe, just maybe, she’s having fun.

If she’s having fun, she’ll get over things, and so will I.   She won’t dwell on the absence of ‘us’, and might even find time to tear herself open and evaluate how she lives her life.  I don’t want her to change, after all I did fall in love with that girl years ago.  But what I wish she would have done is realize how her choices that she makes affect all those around her.  Simply cause and effect type of things.  Maybe my last gift to her, my last act of dying love will be to bring that lesson into reality.

Love dies and fades away.  Memories will remain, and hearts will mend.  In time, new lovers always replace old ones, and the past is slowly forgotten.  What brings you to tears and is hell now, is bittersweet memory in due time.

Life isn’t supposed to always be happy and positive.  Life is supposed to test you, and ultimately what defines us as a person is how we persevere through times of strife.  Will I be stronger this time?  Or will I listen to my heart, and not my better judgment?  Only both time and suffering will tell the answer.