Danyale and I are standing on the cusp of another break up. I don’t feel anything anymore, and I don’t think that bodes well for us. Apathy is death, after all. It seems just like last time, it really got worse in the last week or two, but it’s been going downhill for about a month now. I don’t think we’ll recover from it either.
She’s been moody and depressed for awhile now, and I’ve put up with it as long as I could, even with me being depressed and moody too. A few weeks ago when she had a seizure and puked up all over the bed, I found myself not being worried, but being pissed that my bed was destroyed. That’s not right. I shouldn’t feel that way about someone I care about. I felt bad at it at the time, but in hindsight, it was a glimpse of what would happen.
I still love Danyale, and she says she still loves me, but whats the point of love if you can’t get along? If all we do is fight now, whats the point of being together? She says I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t. I come home, give her a kiss, and hop on the computer, the one place I know will be reasonably drama free.
She’ll read her books, and I’ll waste my time in Azeroth. We’ll go eat, and talk, but usually end up fighting, which pisses one of us off, and makes the other not want to be around them. There seems almost no way to be civil anymore, and although I hate to lose her, I don’t think there’s any other option.
The weight of being the only one working is overcoming the joy she gives. The constant fighting is wearing me down, and making me depressed too. Her counseling was working wonders for weeks, but she seems to have slipped even worse. I’d love to be able to help her, but it seems I did better on that aspect when I was 600 miles away and just a voice on the phone.
For two years I’ve been out here, and for two years all I have to show for myself is her. I’m scared of losing her on one hand, but terrified of the stress if we stay together. Like usual, I’m not too entirely sure of what to do with her and not too damn sure of what will happen if we stay together. I just wish I had some sort of crystal ball to gaze into the future with, something that would let me see what would happen, so I could feel better about things. Because right now, the damn uncertainty is killing me worse than the failure of my relationship.
