Deep Inside My Thoughts

I got about two hours sleep last night, and had to do some late night driving tonight. Originally I started out drinking some Khaos Juice to keep Me awake. After I finished that one, I pulled over and bought another can of Monster, except this time I got some M-80 instead. Still though, after consuming both of these, I found myself still far from home, so I stopped at Starbucks and got myself my typical Venti Cafe Mocha, which at the time seemed a pretty good idea. But all three of these drinks don’t mix entirely too well in your stomach, and by the time I made it home, I was holding my stomach in agony. I don’t think I’ll ever be so stupid to consume energy drinks with coffee ever again.

What’s the reason for the late night drive? Well Danyale and I are up in the air again. She called me crying at 8pm, begging for me to come get her. I thought something bad had happened like a seizure or something else. Turns out she’s frustrated about things and gave into the temptation to cut. Her ex started calling her again, and I really don’t know about his motives. She says their relationship is entirely platonic, and I want to believe her, but the entire situation just makes me pause and think.

I told her we needed a break. She was crying the entire time I was driving her to her sisters, asking her mom on the phone about what to do. She told her she loved me. Hell, she bitched to them a week ago on Christmas that there wasn’t a ring on her finger. I’m so confused about things with her.

I love her with all my heart, but why do I keep having to feel so shitty about things and hold it inside of me? Being around her is fun, and I wouldn’t trade a second for anything; but, drama always seems to come up between us every few months. I don’t know if I should just break up with her and move on with my life, or keeping going on with what we have.

To be fair, what we have is magical when it works. When it doesn’t, like her, I just want to breakdown and cry. I’m conflicted about our future together, and if the time invested in her is really worth it in the end. I mean, why should I continue to love someone when every two months or so they break my heart? I’m not a masochist for emotional pain, but I keep accepting her back every time shit happens. This time, I’m really hesitant to give her carte blanch, and really want to look deep inside myself to figure what I want from the relationship.

There was a time when I was damn sure that Danyale was my soulmate.  Today, I have serious questions about that.  98% of everyones relationships don’t end in lifelong couplings, so we’re all pretty much damned to failure except with that one special person we find.  Is Danyale mine?  Am I hers?  Can her love for Me conquer her demons?  Can they conquer mine?  There’s a million questions I don’t have answers to, and it bugs the shit out of me.

For now though, she’ll be staying at her sisters—at least for a few days.  Poor Robin—she’s always the one Danyale runs to when we fight. She’s the sister that has to take her in, and support her.  Danyale is lucky though to have family close enough to be able to do that.  I don’t have that luxury.

Sleep beckons for me, and in it I hope I find solace and peace.  I’m tired of worrying about ‘us’, and it would be nice for awhile to just be able to forget about everything that ails me.  Ignorance really is truly bliss.