More Danyale Stuff

Well, after work I went over to pick up Danyale and hang out with her for a bit.  I made the mistake of talking about ‘us’ again, and told her about a job I could get out in Indiana.  I really don’t want to take the damn thing, but then again, I really don’t want to hang around constantly waiting for her to make up her mind.  Our conversation quickly turned into a shouting match, with both of us screaming back and forth, but I trumped it.  I call Verizon with her right next to me in my car, to cancel her phone.   I ended up not locking her cell phone out, but we’re pretty much not speaking, and I’ve given her to next week to find someone to take over the account.

I love the damn girl still though.  But for someone who thinks she wants to marry me someday, and can’t date me….that’s a problem.   She wouldn’t tell me all what issues prevented her, just that she was scared of what I might do if we didn’t work out.  Gee, what might I do?  Cancel the phone you needed a month before we broke up?

So, it’s pretty much over now.  Things were said that we really can’t take back, and I think this is the end of my Danyale saga.  The only hope of any possible future is if she gets help, and starts to believe in us 24/7, not just when she’s in a good mood or lonely.  Even then, I don’t know if I’d want to get back with her.

For all the negative stuff that happened tonight, and the tears and screaming, I feel good.  I lost someone I really cared about, and probably due to me not being patient enough, but I still feel more at ease than I have in the past month.  I’m actually smiling to myself, sitting at home, and I don’t know why…I just feel a lot better.

Since Danyale’s been axed out of the life, I figured today would be a fun day to start playing poker again.  I bought $20 in chips online when I got home at about 10, and 7 hours later, My account has $150 in it.  It’s not too bad for nickel and dimming and passing 7 hours of time.

And surprisingly, I’ve been doing pretty good at poker again.  I haven’t really played in 9 months—Danyale never really cared for it much, and Pokerstar’s falling pretty much turned me off to it for awhile, but in a way it feels good to be back.  Even if it is exploring a vice, I’m still having fun, and treating it as entertainment.    Plus a little extra money doesn’t hurt things either .

I don’t know what tomorrow holds.  I’m in a foreign state, without friends and allies, and quite alone.  I don’t know if I will be going back to Indiana, or toughing it out here.  The reason I originally came here is lost to me, but I’ve gotten into a grind here, and maybe I should stay?  Maybe Kansas is the place I can settle down….maybe not Topeka, but there’s always Kansas City or somewhere else.   I suppose I do find the quaint Midwestern life to appealing, and as much as it saddens me to say, I could raise a family here.

But, in order to have said family, I need to finish school, and find that girl I really am meant to be with.  I thought it was Danyale, and maybe it still is, but for now, I just need some companionship.  I need friends I can go watch movies with instead of just going out drinking.  I need a lot of things, and I need a lot of help to do everything I need to do.   But I’m alone out here right now, and that scares me.  I don’t know what scares me more…that I’m alone in Kansas, or that my bed will be lonely for quite sometime indeed.