This Is The End, My Only Friend, The End

As of noon today, I’m done with her.  We had an amazing last night of watching Rent and falling asleep together.   Tears were shed on both sides, and it was quite bittersweet.  I left her lying in her bed, her face covered in her pillows, and I walked out that door and walked away.   It’s what she needs.

Who knows what will happen in the future.  As much as I hate to admit it, I guess a part of me will hope she’ll discover herself before I leave this state.   She still thinks that I’m the one she’s supposed to be with for her life, but I can’t reconcile that fact with how she is right now.  She has so much baggage she needs to shed, so many issues she needs to confront.  We told each other long ago we’d never leave each other, but that was a lie.  She left first, now it’s my turn.

Strangely, I feel good.  There’s no more ambiguity in my life.  All that’s left is to get back on my feet, hold my head up, and go on.  I know I’ll find someone I’ll love as much as her one day; someone I can spend my life with, and who isn’t afraid of commitment or the future.  I’m a good person, and I just need to go out and look.  I can’t just mope at home anymore; I have to start living again.

I was reading all the love letters she’s sent me these last couple of years, and one really touched me.  It was her scared that I couldn’t be monogamous with her.  That my sex drive would be too much, and I’d need other women.  It turns out that was partly right, but the roles were reversed.   I think she’s bored with me.  She needs that excitement in her life of a new guy every so often, and maybe she isn’t ready to settle down.  Maybe she never will.   I know I still love her though, but I can’t live my life without knowing.

So what happens now?  Do I stay in Kansas or move on?  I was so ready to settle down here, and maybe I will.  Going back to Indiana has its own merits of course, but I don’t know if I can do that.  I was so proud and determined when I left there, and part of me would feel ashamed to go back.  I think I want to stay out here, or maybe move elsewhere.  I can’t afford to really move anywhere else right now anyhow, so the point is moot.

I have to work in an hour, and I’m looking forward to that.   After work, we’re meeting up at a local bar and that should be fun too.  It’s not too often I get to spend some time with my co-workers outside of work, and it’ll be nice for a change.  Wednesday was originally penciled in to have dinner with Danyale, so I’m free that night.   Maybe I should go out to Kansas City, hang out somewhere and try to meet some new people?  Thursday night I’m heading over to Stephanie’s and Josh’s to watch a movie, and just spend time with them.   I need to find something to do to stay busy the next few days after that, but I’m sure something will come up.    It’s past time to start being alive again.