Deep Inside My Thoughts

This is day 4 of a 14-day journal exploring the thoughts and feelings behind my recent breakup.

Today was weird from the get go. I couldn’t sleep last night, and didn’t fall asleep until about 9am today. Danyale called again around 10:30 am, asking if I could go to lunch with her, but I told her no at the time. I was too tired, and just couldn’t get out of bed. So I told her good bye, and went back to sleep for a few more hours.

She called me again at 12:30, turns out the flowers I had delivered to her were delivered early, and she called me about them. She asked about lunch again, and I threw on some clothes and raced down to her work to pick her up. I got there with about 30 minutes remaining in her lunch, and we drove quickly to Burger King. Lunch was spent in the inside of my car, eating our matching double stacker combos. It was nice.

It was the first time she had someone send her flowers. I thought about it before, but when she was living in Highland, there was no one who would deliver them for under $60. She said she loved the flowers, and it made me happy to see her smile again.

But it doesn’t feel like we’re broken up, and that’s causing problems. Since she wanted to be on her own for a little bit, party, get wild, and whatever; she can’t do that with calling daily and me calling her baby and telling her I love her. So tonight, I told her to take a few days off. She said she’s been thinking the same thing for awhile, so we kind of agreed to it. But none of us could hang up the phone. She sat there almost in tears, pleading with me to hang up, and I just couldn’t. In the end, she had to threaten to not talk to me if I didn’t. Sadly, I caved in and hung up.

I wish I hadn’t though. If it’s that tough to hang up the phone, why are we broken up? Is it really that awkward me sending flowers and trying to rekindle a relationship we both believe in? Isn’t that what we talk about when we tell each other will still love the other, and talk about big mistakes?

What does she hope to find? She says she can’t put aside the possibility that we’ll end up back together, but what is going to change in two months, six months, or even a year? Our problem wasn’t that things needed to change; it’s that we needed to respect each other, and not be so aggressive. The love is always there, and even when we fought, she would sometimes make me smile, which would piss her off even more.

It looks like the next few days or maybe even weeks will be interesting. What she does in that period of time, could determine what happens to us. Do we get back together, or do we grow apart? Will she find what she thinks she wants? Will she miss me? Will she need me? These are all the questions that haunt my thoughts when I lie down to sleep. I can’t fall asleep usually, because these damn thoughts are flooding my head, and I can’t shut them out. These next few weeks will be nerve wracking for me, and for her too I bet.

I love you baby. Forever and ever.