This is day 1 of a 14-day journal exploring the thoughts and feelings behind my recent breakup.
Danyale is out. I came home, after running to where she’s currently living to drop of some of her pills, to find an empty house. It’s much emptier that I could have possibly imagined. There’s nothing on the walls except for the painting I begged her to keep. The pictures she took out for me to keep from the ones we’ve taken are gone, and I don’t know where they are. For the first time in months, there’s light shining through my window, because gone also is the massive blanket we had covering it. My clothes and other belongings are littered about the floor, and the house is just in a state of general unrest.
There’s not enough lighting in here anymore. I was so used to the small lamp, on top of her small plastic drawers. I sit here on a air mattress, knowing I’ll be sleeping alone tonight. And, likely for many more nights to come. Strangely, I’m not crying. I just feel down, but there are no tears. The past 20 hours has been marked by sudden crying fits, and I’m doing okay on that right now.
Part of me wants to get up and clean, but I can’t summon forth the energy to do so. I’m quite content to just lie in bed, and zone out, surfing Wikipedia, or chatting to online friends I’ve never turned to for a shoulder to cry on. I got home four hours ago, and I haven’t moved since. This is my future for the time being, and this apartment is my prison. I was talking with a few coworkers tonight about going out, and as much as I think I want to, I know I can’t.
I’m stuck between two worlds right now. Danyale is who I care about, the one I love, and the one I want to spend my life with. Her, on the other hand, is conflicted about us, and thinks we have no future because of the recent fighting. I keep wondering if she’s just afraid of becoming settled down, thinking she might just need that chaos in her life. I keep rereading her current blog posts, about us being in love, but something just missing. I hope she can find something she’s missing. I hope I can find it too.
My only hope for the future rests upon us realizing that we’re better together, than apart. I want Danyale in my life. I want to be happy with her like 99% of the time we’re together. I know the fighting about stupid things has really put a damper on the relationship, but I still have hope for it. Why? Because of the way we are when we’re together. We were in a Denny’s last week, at 4am on a weekday, eating breakfast, and talking about anything. It was a really happy moment for me, just being there with the one I love, and spending time with her.
The ironic thing about this entire episode is that I finally got my hours cut at work, so I could spend more time with her. The fact that I found this out twelve hours after we break up isn’t lost on me. But, because I won’t have Danyale around anymore to help out with the rent, and everything else, I need to kick my hours back up again. It seems I might find some solace in my job, just mindlessly doing my tasks, ignoring the searing pain I feel inside throughout the day.
We’re supposed to have dinner Wednesday, and I’m looking forward to it. That will be three days apart, and we’ll see how things are working out by then. I’m going to take her to Applebee’s, the restaurant chain where our first date was. It’s not going to be serious, and I hope I can squash any emotional baggage I might bring. I Just want to have fun with her, and give it time.
I think if we give it two weeks, and then come back and see where we are, things will be better. For the last nine months, I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been, and I know Danyale loves me, because she said it this morning. I just hope what I’ve done, can be fixed with time and dedication. Without her, I feel like nothing. With her, I feel like I own the world. I need her in my life, and I miss coming home to her, and cuddling with her while falling asleep.
I’ve been bitten by the romantic bug pretty damn badly. I’ve never been so much in love with a girl, and this last day has seen my thoughts shift from happiness to bitter depression, to contemplating suicide. I remember one time, where Danyale was crying, and told me she couldn’t live without me, she’d rather die. I told her, I felt the same. It was a pseudo Romeo and Juliet moment. Despite its macabre nature, it was quite sweet.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I can only hope, that we’ll make up, and forgive, and start loving again. I damn myself for not marrying her when she asked me. I know things may not have been different then, but at least I would have had her as my wife.
