So my days off this week were a waste of time yet again. Danyale ended up not coming home Wednesday until about 11pm, so we didn’t have much time to spend together that night. The same was true for Thursday also, except we actually had lunch that day. We were supposed to watch a movie last night, or at least an episode of Jericho, but when she got home, she didn’t feel like anything. So where did she go to? Brenda’s of course.
She spends so much damn time there lately. Pretty much everyday in the last few weeks I’ve picked her up from there when I’ve gotten off work, and usually it’s either midnight or 1am by the time I make it over there. She has to be up at 7:30 am for work, so that might be part of the reason she’s been so irritable lately.
Take, today for example. Whatever time I woke up last night, she apologized for not being home, and cuddled up against me. Fast forward a few hours, and as soon as she gets out of the shower, she’s in a pissed off mood, and yelling. First it’s how I didn’t help her find some damn sweater, then it’s how she’s going to be late because she has to stop by the doctors office on the way over. By the way, I got her to work with 5 minutes to spare.
Its moody events like this one that troubles me the most. I don’t want to talk to her, or be around her when she’s like this. Our drive to work today was basically in silence, with no “I love you’” before she got out of the car to go to work. I’m just frustrated and don’t know what to do. I wish there was something I could do, but I don’t think the mood swings are entirely my fault, and it’s really having a damper on our relationship.
I don’t claim to be the perfect person. I just feel trapped the way things are now, like there’s nothing I can do to fix them. It reminds me of how my parents fought when I was younger. I used to lie in the bath, under the water, and I could hear the fights echoing through the walls. My parent’s relationship ended in divorce, and I fear something akin to that will happen to Danyale and me. I’m starting to feel too frustrated to even care anymore, and just want something to change—be it for the better or for the worse.
Some days are fine though. On those days, I can’t stop smiling, and I feel happy, not just in my head, but in my heart too. But those days come less and less anymore, and more often it’s just fighting and being upset and conflicted that fill my daily schedule. Judging from her own blog posts, I can’t say she’s entirely happy either. But how much of that is my fault? I think she has a fairy tale sense of romance, and that just isn’t me. The handful of times I’ve tried to do something, like go grab her breakfast, or something like that just haven’t made any effect. She complains how it feels like we’re married, but where’s the girl that three months ago was begging for a ring?
