How’s This For Opening Up?

I’m not the one to tell someone everything that’s on my mind. Some emotions, I don’t mind sharing publically, while others, I hide. It’s in my nature to hide how I really feel about a given situation, and some of the times it’s for the best. Some situations can not be helped with exactly what I am feeling at the time, and most of the time, I know I’ll feel better later, so I just bite my toungue.

Danyale opens up to me, and complains when I don’t do the same. It’s funny, because I used to tell her to not be afraid to tell me stuff, even when I held stuff back from her. Double standard, maybe, but it’s how it is. People need to understand I’m not always going to communicate everything I think and feel to them.

I love Danyale with all my heart, but I can’t stop thinking about the bad things that can happen, or the bad things that have happened. I was never really into the thought of settling down with one person before I fell head-over-heels for her. She’s my everything, and sometimes, that’s a problem.

I stood by there when my heart was torn when she fucked around on me the first time. I told her it was alright the second time too. Hell, I even did it the third time too. I’ve compromised myself for a girl. I used to play around with others at the same time, but I changed, I wanted more. Danyale loves me with all her heart, but she say’s she can’t change who she is. I suppose that’s true. But the fact is, I don’t have to like that.

No matter how much or little I love or care about a person, they always are able to hurt me someway. Danyale’s is with other men. What’s funny is, if I didn’t move out here, I’d be wanting to hook up with another girl to feel better about it all. But I can’t. I don’t know more than a handful of people here, and I just don’t know anyone that interests me. Besides, I have Danyale.

But her arguments of how she’s inevitably going to end up sleeping with another guy, and doesn’t want to loose me is agrivating the shit out of me. If I was so special, why the hell would it even be an issue? Baby, do you see why it bothers Me?

I love every second I spend with her, but sometimes I wonder how thing will turn out exactly. We talk about marriage, and I give it serious thought, but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. Because, the fact is, I don’t know how things will turn out. I don’t know if things will be the same or different when she’s sleeping next to me each night, and I’m waking up next to her each morning.

I don’t see how she can’t say no to a guy. I can’t fathom it. It’s confuses the hell out of me. I also can’t see how the-guy-she-can’t-say-no-to changes from Durelli to a Lucas. What the fuck is love if it isn’t treasured? I mean, god damn, I was never a proponent of monogamy until I met her, but damnit, the way I feel, I just want her, and her alone. She say’s she want’s to spend the rest of her life with me. But, she just can’t say no, can she?

So I give up. If she sleeps with another person, we’ll see what happens. Maybe this time I can be strong again. Maybe, I’ll stand up for what I think about. Maybe, this time will be the last time a little piece of me dies when I hear the news. I’m supposed to be happy with her, and 98% of the time I am.

It also doesn’t help much that when I say no to her, she gets all pouty and doesn’t talk. If I don’t let her bring my laptop to college, she gets mad. If I don’t get her nails done, she gets mad. And god forbid, I don’t get Chineese food, or something else. Sometimes, I think I’m getting played. But after that, I look into her eyes, and see how much she loves me. That works for awhile.

Yeah, I have doubt in this relationship. I’m so much in love, that there should be doubt. There’s a few problems we have, but it still feels good to hold her. And, Marriage is a big step for me. I’ve always hoped I’d pick the right one the first time, unlike my dad who is on his third marriage.

I want her to be Ms. Aaron T. Kennedy. But I need to make sure this will last. I need to know this isn’t just a pipe dream, and that we can live, and be happy together. And as it is, either she’s not totally happy, or I’m not. And, that needs to be solved before anything much more serious than it already is, happens.