Deep Inside My Thoughts

Kansas, shit.  I’m still only in Kansas.  Every time I think I’m going to wake up back in some cool place.  When I was home, it was worse.   I’d wake up and there’d be nothing… I hardly said a word until I said yes to come back here.  When I was here, I wanted to be there.  When I was there all I could think about was getting out.  I’ve been here for two months now, waiting for guidence, getting softer.  Every minute I stay in this state I get weaker, and every minute I’m out, I get stronger.    Each time I look around the walls move in a little bit tighter.

Two months have flown by, and I still don’t feel any different than I was when I left.  So much for that finding myself reason for leaving.  I still feel clueless as to what my purpose is.   I still lie in bed at night, with thoughts echoing in my head—grand ideas but no way to implent them.  I feel like a ship out in the ocean, adrift.

I work, and come home to a cell that is 400 square feet.  I’m only able to smile on the weekends.  I can’t cook, and I’m still working at a dead end job.  Is that what I was meant to be, a pizzaboy?  No, that can’t be it.  There has to be more.

So what is it then?  Do I go back to school, bust my ass, and work and study hard?  Then what if I still feel lost when I graduate?  What if my white-collar job means just as much as the current one.   Where’s the ambition?

As a kid, I joked about being in politics one day.  As a teenager, I wanted to run my own  business.    As an adult, I have no clue.  My dad’s going to be here in two weeks, for the first time I’ve seen him in three months almost, and I can’t say a damn thing to him about how my life is  better.   Not a single god damn word.

At least back in Indiana, I had friends.  I know no one here…or at least, no one I would consider hanging out with.  So, I isolate myself into a room, and pass the time staring into a dark monitor showing a fantasy world that can never be.  It’s entertainment.   It’s better than a movie.   It makes me feel better.

Other than Danyale, I’m pretty damn bored and jaded.  I want to go back to school, but damnit, how can I afford it?   I fucked up big time not taking my family up on their ‘free ride’ offers.  I mean, I’m sure my dad will chip in some for college, but damnit, the chunks could have been bigger years ago.    What school do I go to here?   And, what do I major in?  What do I see myself doing for years?  What will give me passion?   I lack all the answers.

So, right now, all I can do is work day-by-day.   I try not to worry about next week, only the next day.  For now, it’s working.   Who knows what will happen in another month or so?  I wish I did.