Apocalypse Tomorrow
Mar 1st, 2007 by Bobosan
Kansas, shit. I’m still only in Kansas. Every time I think I’m going to wake up back in some cool place. When I was home, it was worse. I’d wake up and there’d be nothing… I hardly said a word until I said yes to come back here. When I was here, I wanted to be there. When I was there all I could think about was getting out. I’ve been here for two months now, waiting for guidence, getting softer. Every minute I stay in this state I get weaker, and every minute I’m out, I get stronger. Each time I look around the walls move in a little bit tighter.
Two months have flown by, and I still don’t feel any different than I was when I left. So much for that finding myself reason for leaving. I still feel clueless as to what my purpose is. I still lie in bed at night, with thoughts echoing in my head—grand ideas but no way to implent them. I feel like a ship out in the ocean, adrift.
I work, and come home to a cell that is 400 square feet. I’m only able to smile on the weekends. I can’t cook, and I’m still working at a dead end job. Is that what I was meant to be, a pizzaboy? No, that can’t be it. There has to be more.
So what is it then? Do I go back to school, bust my ass, and work and study hard? Then what if I still feel lost when I graduate? What if my white-collar job means just as much as the current one. Where’s the ambition?
As a kid, I joked about being in politics one day. As a teenager, I wanted to run my own business. As an adult, I have no clue. My dad’s going to be here in two weeks, for the first time I’ve seen him in three months almost, and I can’t say a damn thing to him about how my life is better. Not a single god damn word.
At least back in Indiana, I had friends. I know no one here…or at least, no one I would consider hanging out with. So, I isolate myself into a room, and pass the time staring into a dark monitor showing a fantasy world that can never be. It’s entertainment. It’s better than a movie. It makes me feel better.
Other than Danyale, I’m pretty damn bored and jaded. I want to go back to school, but damnit, how can I afford it? I fucked up big time not taking my family up on their ‘free ride’ offers. I mean, I’m sure my dad will chip in some for college, but damnit, the chunks could have been bigger years ago. What school do I go to here? And, what do I major in? What do I see myself doing for years? What will give me passion? I lack all the answers.
So, right now, all I can do is work day-by-day. I try not to worry about next week, only the next day. For now, it’s working. Who knows what will happen in another month or so? I wish I did.