Deep Inside My Thoughts

Day three without the net. Three days, of, nothing. I was off the last two days, and I have done nothing by sleep. That’s all I do, and all I want to do. I’ve lost all sense of motivation. Hell, I don’t even have a sex drive anymore. My purpose remains just work, and sleep.

There is no happiness, no middle ground. I am strictly disillusioned right now. My thoughts are conflicted. Do I stay, or do I leave? Should I pack up and go? Disappearing into the night is what I really want. But, do I really, really want it? I don’t know anymore.

I watched A History of Violence again this afternoon. During watching it, I decided I wanted to drink, so I polished up a fifth of Jack I had laying around. This is the first time I’ve ever drank when it was daylight out, and it was weird stumbling outside to have a smoke, totally smashed. It’s a shame my father didn’t come home to see me drunk. It would be good for him to know what cause and effect really means.

I’m not looking forward to work tonight. I know it will be pretty dead, unless, this new pizza really takes off. As much as I damn our marketing department, you have to admit, they have had some decent ideas to boost sales 10% or so. The problem is, those 10% increases die off pretty damn quickly, and after that, you have drivers sitting on their asses, just waiting for their one run per hour. That’s like work is right now, and it’s pissing me off there’s not a constant amount of work for me.

I should be asleep right now. I should be dreaming of a beautiful woman, me, and a high-end sports car. But I’m not. I’m sitting here in a computer chair, kind of listening to Star Wars: Episode 3 in the background as I type this. It looks like I’ll be pulling an ‘all nighters’ tonight. I woke up about 1am this morning, and I’ll be up until about 10pm tonight. Maybe after that I’ll be on a more normal sleep schedule.

But really, what is a normal sleep schedule? I go to work at around 5 pm, whereas others go in at 8 am. Others afternoons are my mornings. Is that really a bad thing? People give me hell all the time about my sleep schedule. But really, why does it matter that much?