Deep Inside My Thoughts

The people we open ourselves up to are the ones that ultimately disappoint us. Ultimately, it’s a human flaw to trust. We have preconceived notions—paradigms—of how people should act towards us. Humanity needs to be loved. The knowledge in your mind that someone accepts you must always be in your mind. Anyone that say’s that they don’t care about what people think is lying to themselves.

I drove 7 hours for a wedding. Never before have I met the person in real life. To some, it might be crazy, but to me, it’s natural. I’ve always cared about Gena. First it was sexual, I wanted to do impure things to her impure temple. But, it shifted. And soon the sexuality went away, and the only things that replaced it were friendship, and the hope for a plutonic relationship. I’m happy with that. With Gena, I know I have a friend. She’s been there for me a few times, and I’ve been there for her when she ever needed it. I’m happy with her.

It’s the status of my friendship with Ginger that troubles me. I used to talk to Ginger every day for hours. I used to laugh, smile, and just enjoy lying in bed and talking to someone I’d never meet. Never in a million years would I ever set foot in North Carolina. Ginger was for phone use only. But, now that I’m here, that bothers me.

Ginger has always been somewhat of a let down. She’s made promises and never followed through. She isn’t trustworthy. It’s harsh to say that, but it’s true. She promises and never delivers. And it pisses me off. And to top things off, she barely acted like I was there at the wedding. Sure, she put on a show about being happy for her sister, but it was probably a lie too. Last time I talked to her before I came, she wasn’t going to the wedding because she and her sister were having a huge fight. Suddenly, their clouds parted and they made up, at least partially.

Ginger, Gena, and I have an awkward situation. I know deep, dark, family secrets about both of them, as they do about me. It used to be I favored Ginger, but that’s shifted. I can’t accept someone I can’t trust, and someone who enjoys playing the victim time and again. Yes, Ginger does play the victim. How can someone live their entire lives holding hatred towards someone who shares a unique bond? It’s unfathomable to me. I don’t understand Ginger. I never will understand her either.

So the choice is clear to me. Tomorrow, if Ginger doesn’t give me a call when she said she would, I’m out of here. I’m not waiting around in North Carolina for someone who doesn’t give a shit about any of their so called “friends.” It would only piss me off to wait around for an hour or so, only to find out Ginger is “too busy” to pencil me in. I suppose I can kind of understand where she’s coming from, but not eye-to-eye. She’s been aggravating me more and more, and tomorrow might be the stop of it. If she doesn’t follow through, she’s cut out. No more Ginger and only Gena. Maybe that’s how it should be. Maybe I’ve been stupid for the last year and wasted all that time. I would hate to think that. Tomorrow, a choice will be made; and it’s largely out of my hands. My hands, as they say, are tied.