Deep Inside My Thoughts

So, I just got off the phone with the Dutch Antillies. I didn’t even know the Dutch had teritory in the Carbibean! Anyhow, there was some communication problems earlier with Cara (the girl in the post below), so I offered to just call her up. Long story short, it was amazing.

The girl is cute as hell, a med school student, and everything just screams brains. I’ve never had a girl discuss with me what T3 and T4 is, and how they relate to thyroid problems, and more in detail, depression. Prior to tonight, I’ve never ever heard of them. But, she talked in laymans terms to me about it, and I read up a little bit after some googling on it. I think she might make a great doctor someday.

It’s not very often I can just lie in bed, and just talk on the phone. People usually can’t keep my attention for as long as she did. Hell, I spent $15 just calling her tonight. But it was like, well, magic. For the past few days, every minute I could have been, I was talking to her on WOW. I’m glad tonight I finally got to call her. For some reason, I just feel comfortable with her…and I can tell her thing’s I dont even tell my closest friends, or must trusted convidants.

It’s often weird how you can just meet someone, and feel so comfortable with them. Cara (from SoCal) is like that. I know I can tell her something, and ask her anything, and she’ll give the honnest answer. I trust her. Even though…I just met her. Oh well, I can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow, and just talk for a little more. Hopefully, she’ll be here.

I have returned to World of Warcraft. Over the last two days, I’ve probably played about 30 hours total. That’s so much gaming, that my wireless mouses batteries died. That’s the only reason I quit—to charge my batteries. It’s fun to be able to enjoy playing a MMORPG again! Everquest 2 started out fun, but just went downhill slowly. EQ2 was awesome when I started it, but two months later, and I don’t even log in anymore. It was just a waste of money in the end.

Online, I tend to womanize. It’s no different when I’m playing a game. This chick I talked to months ago before I quit WOW sent me a tell, and was all excited to have me back. Turns up she lives in Louisville, and is actually kinda cute. Seem’s to be pretty funny, but has had a raw hand in life. It’s amazing how often I migrate towards people like that.

I also found another girl, Cara, from the Dutch-Carribean. I didn’t even know the Dutch had teritory in the Caribean! Turns out Cara is in Med-School to be a brain surgeon, but couldn’t get into the US med school’s since her GPA was only 3.5. So, insted, she applied for a med program in the Caribean. I think it’s odd that someone has to go outside of the country to become a Doctor. I wonder if I would let someone like her operate on my brain. Of the two, Cara was the most interesting. She flirted rather hard, too hard, and when I asked for a pic, she told me to email her, and she’d send something back. She gave a weird domanin for her email adress, so I went to the website. Turns out it’s her husbands website. She got all defensive about this which I think was funny. But she was smart, funny, and said cool almost any other word. She’s cool too.

I suppose it will be nice to have a few more people to socialize with online. Renee is pretty much the only person I know on this server, and it sucks soloing all the time. I guess if I play my cards right, I can meet more and more people, and get the Cult of The Undying Greykor rolling onto the Dunemaul server of WOW.

But right now, I need sleep. I open tomorrow with David, and have to get up in 5 hours. I can’t stay up tonight, because, if I did, I’d miss Battlestar Galactica tomorrow at 10pm…and I have a serious addiction to that show right now.

I’ve been bored a lot lately. Yesterday, I decided to act on that boredom and make a webserver. I’ve always thought about doing it in the past, but never really got around to it. Last night, about 2am, I decided I was going to do it. I downloaded everything I needed, created an account on a provider that would forward a URL to my dynamic IP address, and went to work.

My ultimate goal was to get Wordpress installed. Wordpress is this really cool blogging and content publishing suite that I’ve really admired. I’ve never used it until today, but the concept seemed almost liberating. You see, we’ve been tied to all these commercial blogging sites like Blogger, Live Journal, Xanga, etc. and we’ve never really been able to blog on wherever we want easy. Sure, you can do everything manually, updating 3 html files everytime you want to post, but that get’s tiring. Now, open source software lets me blog, and not have to worry about the technical aspects.

The other positive a webserver gives me, is I can host images and a small webpage now. No longer do I have to rely on Flickr or Webshots to host pictures taken from my cameraphone. As long as my computer is on and connected to the internet, I have them available to me. I like thinking that everything resides on my computer is mine, and I can’t really explain it.

Oh well, I need to get some shut eye, I work in the morning

I drove to Cincinatti tonight for no reason at all. Well, I suppose the reason I told myself was I needed to think about things. I’m at the point in my life again where all my thoughts are running unchecked, and I’m fearing the future again. I fear the unknown, where I will end up, and what I’ll do.
I’ve always tried to be in control of myself and my surroundings. I need to be in control. Yes, I am a control freak. But life is chaotic, and I can’t control it. And, sometimes, it gets to me. School starts again on Monday, and I’m dreading going back. I’m dreading wasting away another semester at a worthless community college, and the degree that will come of it. The only thought in my mind is constantly “leave here”. I wish I could listen to it, but my better judgement prevents it.
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted away. I wanted away from all my family, from this town, from this state, hell, maybe even from this country. I can’t explain it either. When I was younger I wanted to just head off to Europe and have a grand adventure of life. Now, I’ll be happy with the West coast even. Nothing really does keep me here, I have a few friends out in California I’m sure I could intrude on for awhile. No loved ones here either, my women are disposable. Sadly, I fear they always will be. I fear everything will always be disposable.
I saw the movie HEAT for the first time when I was 18. I remember Robert DeNiro’s character quoting something akin to “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” That single line clicked with me for some reason. Now, I’m no criminal, but I do feel the ‘heat’ around the corner. For me, that ‘heat’ is malcontentment, and worry. But would that change if I were to disappear?
I lived alright on my own, I moved back in with my Father more for convience rather than financial reasons. I enjoyed my time alone. But, I was only two hours away if I needed emergency cash. I had to only exercise that once, for a quick $50 to pay for food after I paid a $150 speeding ticket. But what I want, will truly make me alone. I will effectively disappear from everything, almost dead to them. There’s one person that I’ve talked to before about this, and they know that if I ever am crazy enough to do it, they will be my touchstone to my family.
I think that’s the most effective way of ‘going off the grid’. I would give her number to someone, probably my aunt. Only if there was an emergency would Brenda call her. Then after Brenda calls the contact, she would call me and inform me of the situation. That would solve that.
It might not be soon, but one day, this will be reality. One day, I hope, I’ll feel more alive with a fresh purpose, and a fresh start on life. Isn’t that what we all want, a new chance on life? I know how to get mine, do you?

Tonight, I drove about 40 miles to see the film Munich in Bloomington. It was based on a book called Vengeance by George Jonas. Basically, it’s the tale of the response to the 1972 assassination of 11 Israeli athletes in Munich by PLO agents. In the book, the main character, Avner, leads a Israeli hit squad that are tasked with killing 11 Palestinians who had a hand in planning Munich. Over the course of the movie, and more so the book, the team confronts the futility of their efforts when the positions their targets filled, are replaced after their death. It confronts the moral question of the right way to combat terrorism, and generally leaves you in a pretty gloomy mood by the time you exit the theatre.
Obviously, the question relates to present day. Is it the right thing to become a terrorist yourself, killing those who would kill you outside your own laws? Do you trash all your beliefs to kill those who would cause you terror? It’s all moral questions we must ask ourselves in our current “War on Terror”.
We’ve sat through the Abu Grab prison scandal. We’ve seen pictures of naked men being lead around on leashes by kids just out of school. Where is the righteous power in that? We have fallen to the level of our enemies. Torture is condoned now. Humiliation is also. All that is important is ‘protecting’ the American way of life, by throwing it out the window and turning into those very people we want to kill before they kill us.

You won’t talk? We’ll make you talk. We’ll strip you naked, we’ll beat you…we’ll shock you with car batteries. There is no choice not to talk. We want wants in your head, and we’ll get it one way or the other. Resistance is futile, our vengeance is swift. We’ll put you in a room with an 18-year old, fresh from Boot Camp, and we’ll turn our backs. We’ll get our info, and then loose you in the system. You are worthless to us beyond what’s in your head.
That’s our current way of thinking. And how else do we get info? We wiretap American citizens, eavesdropping on their conversations overseas illegally. It’s been going on for YEARS now. It was a secret, and it was an outright illegal act by the Bush Administration. I call Denmark and Germany fairly often, what if I was intercepted? We talk politics on the phone sometimes, do I have an FBI file? Why should I even have to worry about my government spying on me? They’re supposed to protect my civil rights—my right to privacy, my right to fear from tyranny. But where are those rights when a President violates the law? How many ‘-gates’ have we had in the last 5 years? How many scandals have there been? The United States is just a mockery anymore. Any moral power in this world we had, we have lost.
You can’t fight a war against terrorism and fight it in a terrorist way. We are no different than terrorists if we do that. You can’t send in torturers to get information. It doesn’t work. Even if it does, it’s not ethical. Ethics and our word is all that matters. The entire world knows we can bare our teeth when needed. But do they still think that we will do the right thing? Do we?
2,000 people died on September 11th. Now, over 27,000 Iraqis have been killed in Iraq since we invaded. Which is the greater good? Those 2,000 that died on 9/11 died for a much better cause than those 27,000 that just happened to be there when fate decided to drop a bomb, or blow up an IED. But that’s how we choose to fight this war on terrorism…in a far away battlefield, where the entire populous hates us. We chose to invade Afghanistan, and then later Iraq, and the shit has been hitting the fan since. To win any war, you need to capture the hearts of your enemies. We can’t do that blowing up houses and women and children. We’ll only make the ‘terrorist’ resolve stronger, and they’ll only create more terror and more dead Americans. That will only increase our resolve. The entire cycle is self-perpetuating, and never ending.
If we truly want to win this war, we will be the moral background for the world again. We will say that everyone caught on the battlefield will be tried in our courts, and have fair access to the laws we create for our own citizen. We will only then make a dent in terrorism. Only when we mature enough as a country, and recognize this isn’t working out for us the way we hoped, will we change course. We need to be the United States again, a bastion of light in the darkness that is the world. We need to be proud, and we need to be just. Our existence might very well depend on it.

I dinged level 30 tonight on Everquest 2. I’m probably 40% through the leveling process, but it’s still a fun time indeed. I remember my time on Everquest Live fondly. And quite frankly, I miss it. I miss being known, I miss being the best.
I was the #2 mage on my server of a couple thousand people. I was in the top guild, and was known by many across the globe. I was infamous, not only for being someone to envy, but for my attitude. I loved being a thorn in peoples side, flaunting my supremacy, and enjoyed it. I played for hours a day, well over 60 hours in a week. I would sit in front of my computer and dwell inside my fantasty world. It was an escape for everything that was negative in my life. It was blissful escape…and I miss it.
I wish I still had the time to devote to my online self. I wish I could be the best, the most powerful, the most wanted again. I felt like I had purpose playing this damned game. I felt happy. Everyone want’s to feel wanted. It’s human nature, and I need that again. I want to play hard core again. I wish I had the time to invest 10 hours a day in creating a legacy again. I don’t, and it’s upseting. I guess the only thing I can do is play whenever I can, and try to be the best I can.