Deep Inside My Thoughts

We were all lead to believe that our lives would all have meaning. Sadly, for some, this isn’t true. The world passes them buy, it cuts them a raw deal, and damns them at every corner. For every success, there must be an equal failure. The rich cannot profit without one man taking a loss. Oil is trading at roughly $60 a barrel, there is wide reports of price gouging at the pumps, but who loses? The working poor who can barely afford to travel. It’s the small guy who always get shafted.

The world is one viscious cycle. Welfare kids become Welfare moms. Kids who are abused sexually by their parents themselves become abusers of their own children. Children who see their mom’s and dad’s having sex with anything tend to have their own sexual excesses. Black Widows eat their mates after sex, Humanity just extends its suffering. Humanity is like a giant snowball rolling down a mountain, picking up more snow the further it goes. I’ve never been one to place a dim view of society before. I don’t think I will after tonight either.

But still, today I have been hurt. Today, I have been disappointed. Today, I have changed. I have no positive outlook the general good of mankind today. I see only red, and black. I see the world through bloodshot eyes, seeing the grimy taterments of existance we call life. I see people clawing their way up the ladder we call society, and falling back down to ring number one. Through the darkness of my eyeslits, I see no good anymore. I see Preists abusing Children, and boycot’s over the word “Christmas”. I see my own sexual excesses and I know I have failed. We have all failed in life.

I have never been perfect. I have been ignorant. I am alone truly in this damned world. I have no one, save for a handful of friends to trust. Trust perhaps is only skin deep. Would these friends stick their own necks out for mine? Who knows? Would I? That’s a challenging question. All I do know is I leave nothing behind me but a path of wanton destruction. I leave hurt and grief where ever I go. I would die for the Midas Touch, so that at least people can appreciate the beauty of a solid gold what-ever.

Women? What will women remmeber about me? I was just a quick lay in a mid-range hotel. I was a novelty— a diversion from their marriages and husbands in far-away lands, fighting a far-away war, in far-too-deadly combat. I meant nothing to them. They meant nothing to me. Most that I have met, anyway. So my legacy is my saying : “Love is an orgasm”. Orgasm is the Lotus Flower we eat to feed us. And truly, the more orgasms you have with a person, the more connected you feel. I have felt those connections with women, but I’ve burried them deep inside. I’ve wrapped myself in a mystery, with some only being a fake name, and a phone number. Some I’ve seen only once, some I’ve seen regularly. What has sexual exces got me? I’m alone writing this. I have no one. I rely on random online-friends to cheer me up when I get this depressed. Life is dull right now. There’s no sweet melody in the background to hum to while I do my work. There is only the emptiness of white noise : nothingness.

So what have I acomplished in 21 years? I’ve never really had a steady girlfriend. I’ve played the temporary partner for most of my life. I am still in school and work in a dead end job. What future do I have? We were all lead to believe life would be what we wanted. We were all lied to. Life isn’t about what you want, or what you can do. Life is about fucking the other man over to get ahead. Life is about telling someone you love them and then finding someone else to provide your next fix. Lying, cheating, slander, manipulation…that’s what life is. I don’t lie, nor cheat, nor slander, nor very often manipulate, so therefore I’m screwed.

Unlike the Enrons and Parmalat’s of this world, I can’t really stand screwing someone over. I’ve been told someone who told me they loved me at 9am today lied. By 1pm, there was a note in my inbox saying, “don’t write, don’t call…I’ve found another man, and we’re living together”. All that was left to say was ‘Tora Tora Tora’. Because it was a sneak attack…it was cowardice. But she got what she wanted. She recieved all the attention it was possible for me to give. She was on a pedastal with me on my kness. I listened to her song, I believed her. I almost even believed her when I said I loved her back. I needed to love someone. I needed to feel that connection again. When it was going on, I was happy as hell. When it died today, I was bitter and vindicative as hell.

But what does it really matter? She was the same sad story as everyone else. Her ex used to beat her senseless, her mother killed herself, she herself was a wreck. But I was attracted to that, and I thought she was happy. If just goes to show you that you never do know what’s around the corner. Maybe she had anxiety, who knows. The point is, she told me things that can never be forgotten, and never will be. Until I die, I will carry that name to the grave with a vengence. Today, I play the bitter role.

But alas, maybe her Proto-Typical American Dream will go better than mine. Maybe she’ll find someone who loves her, and will care for her children. Maybe she will be happy. But this isn’t a fairy tale folks. Her new found guy is just as likely as the rest to beat her senseless, shoot heroin into her veins, and force her to shop lift. I cared about her, truly, and honnestly cared. But, it’s not my turn anymore. Be it if she’s happy or get’s turned into a punching bag or a junkie,she’s not my problem anymore. And that’s one thing I can be glad of: that I am alone, once more.