Today, was my Grandmother’s memorial service at her church in Muncie. Pretty much everyone handled it well. No mass tears were shed by my mother, or aunt. Ryan held up fine, and so did I.
I rode up with my father, playing Civ3 on my laptop to pass the hour and a half long drive up. When we got there, my father reached into his glove box, to get tissues. I told him we wouldn’t need them, that Kennedy’s don’t cry at funerals. He laughed at this, saying her raised me to be too hardcore about things, and for sometimes, I think that’s true.
I have never cried in public at a funeral. I’ve gotten to a point where I might have cried, but I’ve always choked back the emotions, pulling them back in, and locking them tight. Today, I really didn’t feel anything. Yes, my Grandmother is dead, but I really didn’t feel that. Maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet, maybe it won’t for awhile. I have no idea when I’m gonna sit in my car one day, and say, “My last living Grandmother…she’s….dead.” Maybe it will never come.
Today was also hard, because it was the first time I have been in an actual church in six years. I was surprised I wasn’t struck down by a vengeful god. But, the thing about church is, people pray inside of them. I think I was the only one in that entire building that did not say one word of prayer. When they would bow their heads to offer solem words to their god, I would stare blankly ahead , and wait for it to be over.
I did sing the hymn’s though. I almost choked up with emotion halfway through Amazing Grace, and it was probably the most emotional moment I’ve felt in awhile. It was just very sad listening to the lyrics, knowing the words were empty to me, but knowing what they really meant too. Also, I had to walk down the asile, knowing that 200 sets of eyes were on me, studying me. It was a very nice memorial service though, and if my Grandmother were still alive, she would have liked it. Everyone there was a friend of hers, and I didn’t think all her friends could fill an entire church. Since, I’m sans god right now, what will I be able to fill up? A cemetary with a non-christian service? Can I fill an entire graveyard? I need more friends.
That being said, I have no more grandmothers in this world. The one I call Grandmother right now, is not my real one, nor has she be worthy of that title lately. Today, I lost a loved one, someone I really did care about, and it hasn’t hit me yet. I fear that when it does, it will come hard. I hope that I am alone, and can just curl into a little ball, and do what I won’t let anyone see me do.
Goodbye Grandma, who is left to scratch my back and put that little citrus-juice stuff on my apple slices so they dont brown? Who is left to take me to the arcade and wait patiently as I spend your cash killing things? Who is left to have a glass of high-pulp oranage juice waitng for me right after school? And most importantly, who is left to take me to MCL? I’m gonna miss the little things we used to do when I was a kid….and how I wish I was a kid again. I’ll miss you, and I’ll do my best to be the best I can to please you.