We’re all depressed. We’re all dying. Teter pointed that out. Well the depressed part at least. Generally it rings true. I know myself I have felt the twinge of manic depression. That is the legacy of my family, a disorder passed down over the generations. I took my grandmother when I was younger, maybe it will take me. That scares me. It paralyzes me late at night. Sometimes, its like I have seen my own end, and it will be by my own hand. That is my fear, and that is one of the dreams that haunt me nightly.
I haven’t felt like living the past few months. I don’t mean suicidal, I just mean living. I used to shave everyday, I hated not being cleanshaven. That has slipped away, so I always have stubble or something. Everyday that goes on, I live less and less. A part of me dies when I go to sleep. I don’t have the will to get up and eat. I can barely summon the strength to get up and shower. I lay in bed 24 hours a day and mope. I used to talk to people across the country…Heather in Idaho, Kristina in Montanna, you get the point. I was grounded with them. Talking to other people kept me smiling.
One day, it all ended. There has been no more smiles. My father in his highest parenting moment canceled both the phone and my internet. Obviously, I have some addiction because I find solace in other people. Obviously… Nevermind those people I kept grounded too. So by this single act, my father has endangered the lives of roughly 10 people. I wouldn’t be able to recover if some of the people I talked to actually commited suicide because I wasn’t there for them like I promised to be. I don’t think I would ever forgive my father for that.
Still, I can’t be everyones pillar. I can’t be the shoulder to cry on, the person to call when you’re arguing with your spouse, the mediator, the defender all the time. I just didn’t have time anymore. I kept myself happy by helping other people. People I would never meet in life, but could befriend and guide online. I guess how I handle everyone has been going downhill for awhile. Thats another part of me that dies everynight, I care less and less as I go on. I fear I might soon turn Republician. That scares me too 
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The one person that has hurt me lately is Lotte. I was supposed to fly to Denmark to visit her. It was all expenses paid, with Lotte footing the bill. But, weeks before I found another person who I had to help. I quit staying up late to be on line when Lotte woke up. Then, I quit logging into Yahoo alltogether. I never quit caring about Lotte. I just had someone that needed help. That’s how I am. I befriend people, and make them a priority. The friends I wish to keep I can’t devote the time to. So, in the end I lose them. I lost Lotte. I wasn’t there enough. I wanted no more than to go to Denmark to see her. But, it didn’t work out. Nothing anymore seems to do. But still, her departure as a friend hurts me. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she’s still hella disappointed. I’m sure I will keep trying, for Lotte is someone that was there whenever I needed her. I remember talking all night on Yahoo (and the phone a handful of times). I remember the fun we used to have together. I miss her. But, I do suppose I let her down first. I guess I have to live with that.
There hasn’t been much joy in my life for quite awhile. I despise all of my family, and as time goes on, even the ones I used to care about fade further away. One day, I will follow my dream and break away. Ties will be severed. Family History will be forgotten. I will disappear. I will go far away and be the person I want to be. I won’t have to kiss ass to inherit a trust, or pretend to be religious to appease a dying grandmother. I won’t have to cope with my mother’s bullshit. I won’t have to see my father. It will be me…Alone. By my self. I have imagined this since I remember. I will have no family. I will have few friends that are cued in to what happened. I will be able to reshape myself in a way that I can’t now. I won’t have to lie, or force a smile. Hopefully, I can trully be happy. One day, I can be free.
Okay, enough emotional baggage.
I deleted the rest of this post. Better its left to another day. Fuck off , and see you later guys 
