Deep Inside My Thoughts

Have you ever put a random search for a community in LJ? It’s funny stuff. Espically the communities were people think they’re hot, but they arent! I find flaw with everyone, and on LJ I can tell them. Its crazy fun. You take a otherwise really hot girl, and I can find something thats wrong with her.

Take Argono from EQ. I hate Argono. I hate Argono so much that I don’t call him Argono, I call him Airbourne. Yes, the english spelling. See old Airbourne could get jump school, so he didn’t leave EQ. So I was so bored yesterday, I actually added Airbourne to my Yahoo contact list. Now for some reason or the other, the conversation changed from how much some guy got for Ebaying his acount to EQ Whores. Yes, EQ whores. People we all know and love.
Now, I’ll admit shes kinda cute…but first thing, what strikes you? For me the nose. Airbourne didnt think I was right, but I mean, comeon, she does have a weird nose doesnt she? Anyways, I guess its Airbourne in-game wife and wannabe lover or something. Not bad looking I guess, but not perfect. I mean hell, I havent even heard of her character name. Never mind the nose LOL…

Well, that be it for now. Off to a shitty thanksgiving dinner and then finally to home. I want a shower and a real bed. Just thought I’d post something totally random for once. I guess I’m kinda in a better mood than earlier.

Well since I’ve already pissed off a good friend today, I went to grouphug.us to cheer up. Probably the best one there :
“So I had a girlfriend for all of 9 months. She dropped by one afternoon when I was sick with a pan of brownies and a video tape with the simpsons on it (my favorite show). so I start eating the brownies and turn on the tape. midway through it, it cuts to her sucking off some dude. his nuts in her mouth, she looks at the camera, and says “you’re dumped. enjoy the brownies” - and spits the mouthful of cum into a bowl of brownie mix.
”

I love that site. I feel a little better reading this stuff.

It has been forever since I have updated this. I was going to make this great positive entry, but I figured, what the hell. You can’t go wrong with over-dramatic depressive entries! So here we go, another glimpse into my life :

I view everyone as disposable. Everyone is, I suppose. I hold no attachments to anyone. I interact with people online. I could just change my email, or make a new IM screenname, and no one would know. I dream of disappearing one day. Leaving people behind. Leaving everything behind. I’ve never really cared for my family. I’ve never loved them. I’ve never cared about them. I see them because I get substatial ammounts of cash everytime I go up there. If not for that, I would never bother.

I guess I have always been kind of a loner in real life. I don’t mind eating alone. I love being the only one at a movie at 11pm at night on a weekday. I used to go to Steak & Shake all the time late at night, just so I could read a little while I waited for my food. I don’t mind not seeing anyone for a week or so. I don’t mind not speaking to those people who inhabit this house I am bound to. I don’t really get close to anyone IRL. I keep my distance. Teter is probably the closest person I have contact with, and truthfully, if he didnt come over, I wouldn’t leave the house.

The last person I wanted to get closer to was Amber, and that was 4 years ago.. I didn’t have the balls to make a move on her. But, in all fairness it wasn’t all that. Amber wasn’t overtly beautiful. She wasn’t very smart, nor did she have longtime goals. My Junior year in High School, I had a small Presidental History class with exactly 8 people in it. I was working at Kmart at the time. One day, Amber applied and was hired on there. I remember I was having a bad day, I would work from whenever I got there (was always scheduled at 4pm-10 on schooldays, but would go in ASAP after school). I had to deal with management for something or another, and the manager on duty was training Amber. The manager introduced me, and asked if I had knew Amber from school. Of course, being the typical Kennedy, I didn’t pay attention to people, and didn’t even know her from the smallest class I have ever seen. Amber corrected me though, and informed me that she sat in front of me.

The next morning in class, I realized she was right. So I started talking to her. A few weeks passed , we talked, and at work we would go on break together and sit out in my car and talk. I didn’t care back then that she was more commoner than anything. I didn’t care she didn’t have any plans for life. I wanted more. I would talk to her as much as possible. I would stay after school, and talk to her for 20 minutes or so until I had to go to work. Then I would talk to her throughout the night at work. I went to her house to fix her computers, and met her mother. Amber’s mother embarassed the shit out of her. It was funny listening to her mother describe some things like what size thong Amber wore, and other sexual things. It kinda felt nice to have someone I could be completely at ease with. Amber was just a friend though.

We continued talking throughout my senior year. She was dating a real asshole named Eddie at the time. Its kind of funny how the most idiotic people are named Eddie. Eddie cheated on her or something, and they broke up a few weeks before the Senior Prom. I wanted to ask Amber to the prom. I guess it was just myself, and maybe a little of what she was that didn’t. She went to the prom with some pickup date, and I worked again. I don’t care about missing it. More months went by. We still talked the same. Then came graduation. My dad was out of town,so I threw a weeklong party at my house, because at the end of the week, I was moving away. I suppose it was a combination of swallowing a half a bottle of Crown in one night, and seeing Amber’s legs wrapped around my friend Trevor’s head that made me say something. I told her I was going to ask her out to Prom. She smiled, and said I should have asked. I remember thinking I dropped the dice.

Amber got drunk, I got drunk. I kicked everyone out, and relegated myself to dictating Drunken Philosophy to my computer. I was sad, but I really didn’t know why for. I had people over everynight to drink, but not Amber. When it came time to leave for my new house, I went to Kmart to say goodbye to Amber. I found her, told her goodbye, but was snapped at. I was pissed. I didn’t know why she snapped or anything, so I said my goodbyes to my former coworkers and left. 6 months goes by before I come back to Columbus to check up on a few select people. One of them, of course, was Amber. She said she was having a bad day the day I left, and felt sorry for snapping to me, not realizing what day it really was. I told her it was alright, and we would talk more when I had more time. I left again for my house. I think Amber actually wrote me a few letters, but I don’t remember writing her back. Six more months went by, and I moved back in with my father.

One day, I got a wedding invitation. Amber was pregnant, and marrying some guy. I don’t really remember HIS name. David? Keith? Something like that. Just his last name is Lyne. I wasn’t going to go to Amber’s wedding. Over the last few month’s, I had lost interest, and seeing her married wouldn’t do any good. Still, the day it came I went. They couldn’t afford a proper wedding, so they had a civil ceramony at the local Senior Center, which had a spot for weddings on the river. I was the only one of Amber’s friends that she invited that went. I can imagine that was terrible for her, inviting 20 people and only having one show up. Still, since I was the only Bride-side member there, and I knew her family, I was invited to sit with the honor party. That was nice, talking to her family, rubbing elbow’s with them one last time. I promised Amber a dance that night. I don’t remember the song, but when I did dance, it was nice. But, she was prego, and married now. After the dance, I told her I would stay in touch, and wished her good luck. I took off, lighting up a cigarette as soon as I left the building. I felt kind of heartbroken I suppose.

I never made a move on her. I never did anything to try to convey how I felt, and learning later she felt the same way only complicated things. I guess I became bitter. I smiled with Amber on her wedding day, but now I have no wish to ever see her again. The few times I have seen her around town, I have either kept walking, or talked for 5 minutes, then made an excuse to leave. I don’t want to see her again, I cut her loose a year before I watched her get married. Last I heard, Amber was still living with husband and child in her family home, working at a factory. And,I wanted to get close to this person.

I remember when I first met Cara. I told her that I “believed in lust, not love”. That rings true today. I don’t see anyone I want to spend my life with. I don’t even see anyone here that I want to spend any time with. No one is worthy of dating. I find flaw in every girl I have ever met. Love, for me, is an orgasm and an after-meaningless-sex-cigarette. I get close to people online, so that someday, if need be, I can just disappear. I flirt with anything that moves and has ovaries online. I care about people’s problems online, when in real life I might tell them to go ahead and kill themselves and go on my merry way. I talk to countless women who want to die, or at the very least, cut themselves to forget. I talk to a person for six hours a day, and I know that in a few months it will be someone else. That’s my own way of coping I suppose. I learn all about someone, give most out about me, talk to them for all day, have a little fun, and move on. Sometimes its them that moves on first, sometimes its me. Other times, I still want to remain friends and talk to them again ocassionally. Thats how I am I suppose.

This came out way differnt than I would have thought. I wasn’t going to get into Amber, or any of my shortcomings. Thats the beauty of the blog though I guess. I will be able to look back on this in a year and laugh.

I am going to sleep now. I have gotten 3 hours sleep total in the last 72 hours. I’m finally worn out. My arm hurts from this Nicotine patch, and chain smoking. I had terrible nightmares for those 3 hours of precious sleep I got, and I hope they won’t continue. God damn Europe >

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We’re all depressed. We’re all dying. Teter pointed that out. Well the depressed part at least. Generally it rings true. I know myself I have felt the twinge of manic depression. That is the legacy of my family, a disorder passed down over the generations. I took my grandmother when I was younger, maybe it will take me. That scares me. It paralyzes me late at night. Sometimes, its like I have seen my own end, and it will be by my own hand. That is my fear, and that is one of the dreams that haunt me nightly.

I haven’t felt like living the past few months. I don’t mean suicidal, I just mean living. I used to shave everyday, I hated not being cleanshaven. That has slipped away, so I always have stubble or something. Everyday that goes on, I live less and less. A part of me dies when I go to sleep. I don’t have the will to get up and eat. I can barely summon the strength to get up and shower. I lay in bed 24 hours a day and mope. I used to talk to people across the country…Heather in Idaho, Kristina in Montanna, you get the point. I was grounded with them. Talking to other people kept me smiling.

One day, it all ended. There has been no more smiles. My father in his highest parenting moment canceled both the phone and my internet. Obviously, I have some addiction because I find solace in other people. Obviously… Nevermind those people I kept grounded too. So by this single act, my father has endangered the lives of roughly 10 people. I wouldn’t be able to recover if some of the people I talked to actually commited suicide because I wasn’t there for them like I promised to be. I don’t think I would ever forgive my father for that.

Still, I can’t be everyones pillar. I can’t be the shoulder to cry on, the person to call when you’re arguing with your spouse, the mediator, the defender all the time. I just didn’t have time anymore. I kept myself happy by helping other people. People I would never meet in life, but could befriend and guide online. I guess how I handle everyone has been going downhill for awhile. Thats another part of me that dies everynight, I care less and less as I go on. I fear I might soon turn Republician. That scares me too :P.

The one person that has hurt me lately is Lotte. I was supposed to fly to Denmark to visit her. It was all expenses paid, with Lotte footing the bill. But, weeks before I found another person who I had to help. I quit staying up late to be on line when Lotte woke up. Then, I quit logging into Yahoo alltogether. I never quit caring about Lotte. I just had someone that needed help. That’s how I am. I befriend people, and make them a priority. The friends I wish to keep I can’t devote the time to. So, in the end I lose them. I lost Lotte. I wasn’t there enough. I wanted no more than to go to Denmark to see her. But, it didn’t work out. Nothing anymore seems to do. But still, her departure as a friend hurts me. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she’s still hella disappointed. I’m sure I will keep trying, for Lotte is someone that was there whenever I needed her. I remember talking all night on Yahoo (and the phone a handful of times). I remember the fun we used to have together. I miss her. But, I do suppose I let her down first. I guess I have to live with that.

There hasn’t been much joy in my life for quite awhile. I despise all of my family, and as time goes on, even the ones I used to care about fade further away. One day, I will follow my dream and break away. Ties will be severed. Family History will be forgotten. I will disappear. I will go far away and be the person I want to be. I won’t have to kiss ass to inherit a trust, or pretend to be religious to appease a dying grandmother. I won’t have to cope with my mother’s bullshit. I won’t have to see my father. It will be me…Alone. By my self. I have imagined this since I remember. I will have no family. I will have few friends that are cued in to what happened. I will be able to reshape myself in a way that I can’t now. I won’t have to lie, or force a smile. Hopefully, I can trully be happy. One day, I can be free.

Okay, enough emotional baggage.

I deleted the rest of this post. Better its left to another day. Fuck off , and see you later guys