Been a few kinda down days lately. Just havent been feeling 100% again. I am weaker than I admit to. I’m more troubled than I could tell anyone. Last night, I was the most honnest with someone than I have been in awhile. I know what Elise is going thru, and I just broke down and let most of my issues off my chest. It scared me some of the stuff that came out of my mouth. I pretend to be the stoic one. I have only cried to one person (and that was god damn hard to do). I like to pretend nothing is wrong in my life. There is major shit wrong with it.
I remember when I had drive, ambition, goals. I lack all that now. I don’t even want to wake up in the morning. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to breathe. I’m just a shell of what I used to be. I want to cut people loose from my life. Everyone. Elise, teter, everyone. I just want to be alone so much sometimes. Just to curl up into a ball, and just be like that. To be alone is to be invulnerable. Thats what I seek now. I seek to be alone . I seek to be happy in myself.
I don’t want to internalize, but I hate to talk about my problems. I listen to other people’s all fucking day. I get calls from friends who want to die. I get calls from friends who want to hurt themselves. No one in particular, just venting. I can only be a pillar for so many people. I can only pretend to be so strong, so long. I can only fake my smiles a finite ammount during the day. I’m not happy, we all know this. For brief moments out of the day, I start to get content, but I fall back into the pit at the end of the night. It’s how it goes. I keep grasping at the walls, trying to climb up, only to fall back down. It’s so frustrating. I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t know if I can find that joy to wake up anymore. I think I’ve lost it, and it’s gone forever. I look at tomorrow, and I dont see a new day; I see blackness.
In other news, I whine as much as a Goth.
In other-other news, Passing Tractor-Trailers on I-65 going 126 miles per hour is fun. Shit happens.
