…Keeps me Grounded …
by Bobosan on Sep.28, 2004, under Main
Well, raids are over again early for me tonight. I guess I’ve been happy lately, and now is the time to pay the price. Emotional ramblings to follow :
I have no drive…again. I lay at home. I never get off of my bed. I watch a 25 year old for most of the day now. Yeah shes cute, but shes damaged. The obscene has become commonplace. I listen to her talk about wanting to be bound, complain to her kids, tell me about her shitty childhood, and how she cuts herself to ‘ground herself to the world’. It’s all bullshit. Everything in my life is. Everquest, work, school, existance, its all bullshit. I’ve always gotten my hapiness off the pain of others. Thats why I attract people like that. Knowing they are worse than me, gives me solace. It’s how I lived my life. I found comfort in all of Cara’s insecurities, I drew strength from listening to her cry. I suppose I did the same thing with Lotte. By being there for her, I would have someone when I need it. And I need it, but I can’t reach out. So, I sit alone, at home, staring into a screen and imaging a better life that will never be.
Unlike the women I surround myelf with, I’ve never cut myself. I’ve never hurt myself. I’ve thought about it, hell, I’ve thought about eating a bullet once or twice. I don’t externalize my pain in cuts. I don’t externalize my pain in violent fetishes. Why Elise, after being molested as a kid, would be into half of the stuff she is, is beyond me. Who knows, maybe there really is no logic anymore. Maybe there never was. The only logic i know is this, the good fall, and the bad are prolonged. No one can be a nice person anymore…no one can care. I used to care, and all it got me was hurt. The world really is a dark place. There is no light…just eternal twilight and shadow. People just keep their heads down their whole entire lives, and go on. I pity those who never stop and think. Cattle, thats what we are. Fucking Cattle. Moo. Moo. \
Well, Teter will be here soon. Have to figure out a path to get us damn near killed again. Its always exciting…
Also, I had my 2,000th visitor to my blog…kinda cool 