Deep Inside My Thoughts

It’s been a few days lately. I guess I’ve been really really sad and down for about the past week. Why? Couldnt explain it if I wanted to. I’ve just felt so god damn alone, and so meaningless lately. I havent really had the will to do anything. I leave raids early, I sleep alot, and I just generally mope around my bed. I’ve lost most of my drive. My drive to get up and shave…my drive to log on and be there for my guild, my drive to wake up for Lotte, hell even my sex drive. Hehe, thats something I thought I’d never loose. But, its diminished, and that really really bothers me .

I havent really talked to Lotte seriously in about 4 or 5 days. I havent been avoiding her per se, but I havent been in the mood to open myself up to her either. She’s such an amazing person, and talking to her really makes me happy. Too happy sometimes. I keep wondering in the back of my head sometimes if she really wanted me to go to Denmark. I mean it would be awesome to meet her, but then what? She’s 7 hours ahead of me. That means shes waking up about the time I’m going to bed. And when I get home from “work” , shes either asleep or heading there. It really does suck. Talking to Lotte, feels really comfortable, but like I said lately I havent had the will to do anything. I just lay around and mope, and hope Lotte understands. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed….thats pushing it, and clinically I’m not, but I am sad. Sad at what, I don’t know
I got up the will last night to get on EQ and play a bit before raids. I was grouped with this girl Penny (Clarisia in game). Quite honestly, I couldnt stand her. She made me beg for virtue, so I bitched to Xanthanos about her. I think my exact words to him were ” This cunt is making me beg for Virtue”. Well, I got virtue, and she wanted a rod, so I afk’d to piss her off. I guess she ended up bitching to Xan calling me a prick. He told me ” you’re calling her a cunt, and she’s calling you a prick, why dont you two just fuck”. So, I started flirting with her. Ended up calling her, and talking most of the night to her. That was last night.

So I called her this morning when I woke up, and she got on Yahoo. Her friend Elise logged on, and we were in a voice chat with her. So I start talking to Elise on Yahoo for a few hours. She’s got her cam on, I’ve got my cam on. Shes so damn sexy. LOL. I love her face, her eyes, her smile when I would flirt, her blushing , everything lol. Shes look damn good for being 25 and having 2 kids. So we talk for a few hours on Yahoo, then I asked if she wanted me to call. She said sure, but she was talking to her Mother at the time. So I wait about an hour for her to finish, and I call her. Talked about a ton of things. She is so comforting, so outgoing, and so damn cool. She is ex-military, beautiful as hell, and smart. Ended up talking to her for well over 3 hours, and it was the most at peace I’ve been in a while. Too bad she’s married (her husband is in Iraq) or I could look past the kid thing :P. I had a blast though talking to her, I was smiling, she was smiling, it was just plain fun. I need that kind of fun , and I really cant wait to talk to her tomorrow. Did I mention her sexy voice? LOL, shes from Virginia, but oddly enough doesnt have an accent….anyways, I hope I can call, or at least chat on Yahoo with her for a bit tomorrow :).

It was Teter’s 18th Birthday today. I went out with him around 11:30. It really sucked to have to tell Elise good bye, but you know what, I had to. We stopped by the ATM, and went thru Taco-Bell drive thru for dinner. I was nice enough to buy the kid 2 Tacos. We stopped at a Gas Station for drinks, drove around til it was 12am, then I sent him in to get smokes. The chick who sold them to him , didnt even card him, and her eyes kinda buldged out when we told him he was 18 years old by 5 minutes. Hehe, that chick could have gotten a $500 fine over 5 minutes . After that, we came home, and had a quick cigarette together to celebrate him turning 18. When I came in Lotte had left this on Yahoo :

Marusha (11:32:39 PM): morning !
Marusha (11:39:02 PM): well guess i might talk to you later
Marusha (11:48:32 PM): well write me when/if you ever wanna talk again.. kinda suck to know you are here and you cant even say hi.. hope you are having fun.. bye

Only bad thing is I wasnt here, I just had left my cam on from talking to Elise. So I tried Lotte’s house number, and there was no answer. I called her cell, no answer. So either Lotte is ignoring me, or she was in class. I thought she had class at 8am, and I called about 730, but who knows. I’m gonna try to stay up to talk to her to straighten things out with her. Because, I do still care about her, and it worries me she would think that I was ignoring her completely. So that, is that.

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