Deep Inside My Thoughts

Lol, my computer chair broke. I tried using a kitchen chair, but I cant stand being at a 90 degree angle for hours…so I have a sudden flash on insight….my bed. So right now, my bed is rolled over to my computer desk so I can relax again. Kinda funny I guess.

Woke up to some shocking news on Cara’s journal. I guess I just expected her to not find someone so quickly. She says they’re nothing, so I guess I’m overracting…but she said that about Josh too. I hope she doesn’t get too atached to this guy, because as she knows, long distance relationships are killers…espically international ones. She sent me a tell when I got home, I didn’t feel much like talking, I told her to call me after sunday, so if she wants to talk, i’ll get a phone call monday to friday. I won’t be sitting by the phone waiting for her call. I would like one, but like I said yesterday, I have no more hopes. Moving on…

More later, talking to meagan, and im actually enjoying it.

I just ended doing 3 Adventures with Cresta and some other people. I had a blast. Really nice distraction from all the drama that has been around lately. I remember months ago when I would just push myself in Everquest so I would have something to do, its like that again. My night in a nutshell :

After Cara and I pissed each other off earlier, around 1030pm, I left to go driving with Teter. I wanted icecream, and we drove around trying to find a place, but couldnt. So we settled on Steak and Shake, and I ended up eating dinner LOL. Drove about 50 miles with Teter, just shooting the shit and relaxing. I needed that. When I came back I was in a good mood, which has been a rarity lately. Problem is when I got home, the journal entry I had posted earlier, and left while it was posting, posted 5 times, and only 1 of them was personal, as it was intended. So Cara went to my journal and read this, and it pissed her off. We went off on each other about that, and I ended up just saying I wont call you, I wont speak to you, talk to me when you get figured out.

I’ve come to the point where I dont want to try anymore with Cara. It’s not gonna be me the one that rolls out of bed to call her and talk. I honnestly am quite indifferent about it now. I didn’t want to get tossed away, like some friend relegated to obscurity, but if that happens it happens. I had happy times with Cara, and I’ll try to remember that. The ball is in her court, and I’m on the sidelines. Its not my choice anymore. I’ve stepped back, and it would be nice if we can work shit out and be like we were a week ago, but honnestly, I dont really think its gonna happen. As much as it sucks to type that, I’m not gonna be cheerful anymore. I have nothing to be cheerful about. If you want to speak, you’ll be contacting me, not me giving you attention and being at your beck and call Cara. It’s time to be strong and make a stand, and I have chosen to not do anything. Only time will tell, but thats all I will do now. Roll the dice, it goes either way.

Cara posted my conversation with her from last night / today. I guess I look kinda bad in it, but fuck, who cares. If I was still caring, I would post an equally bad conversation of her, but you know, I’m above that now.. And, I won’t let her arrows hurt me. As I said before, indifferent. So cara, if posting that makes you happy, be happy. All I wanted was your happiness , and if belittling me to your friends do that, be all means hun .

On to happier things. Been talking with Lotte when I can. Talked to her on Yahoo for a few, she wasnt feeling well because of her anti-biotics. I hope she feels better soon. Talking to her is so refreshing, because I’m smiling and laughing and just having fun again. Shes been so kind to listening to me in the last 2 months about Cara, and hopefully no more will need to be said to her about that. I gotta recharge my phone card LOL, we’ve talked for awhile. I hope we can talk on the phone again soon, because it really helps me. When I’m feeling sad, she will cheer me up. Think the first time I ever had contact with Lotte was back in Novemeber where we did LDONs together for a weekend. I’m sure glad I made a good impession on her, because if not, I wouldnt be speaking now. Its quite comforting thinking about Lotte, hope shes up later :).

I got a tell from Meagans-Ex Rob in EQ tonight asking how I was. Guess Meagan told him Cara and I were fighting. It’s good a stranger cared enough to ask me if I was alright. Me and rob had a talk a few days ago that helped a ton too. Right after he sent me that tell, I IM’d Masha to tell her I was alright. She’s been a great help too. Cara told me a few days ago Meg was pissed because of me always venting to her about Cara. But, Masha asked if I needed to vent, but I didnt really. All is fine now. . I was still glad to talk to her, because I thought she was mad at me for some reason. Oh well, maybe we can start talking about normal things again, rather than whats wrong with Cara and I right then. That would be nice.
Well, its late. I’m gonna head to bed. Seeing a movie tomorrow with Teter, and I’ll be pulling a long night on EQ to keep myself centered. So, I need sleep . Even with all the Cara bullshit, I still feel good . I hope my spirit can be this high for the next few days.

Hey BTW, I see you people coming back here that I don’t know…Meagan and Cara I can tell…but who are the rest of you?

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So , daily cara update. It’s a joke now. I think shes evading me. I called her last night, woke up her mom, she told me to call back. Called back 10 secs later, got cara, she said she was on the phone. My phones dont ring thru on call waiting, and I’m sure californian phones dont either. So I dont know anymore. She has reason to be pissed, but shes just infuriating me again. Its a debate to even pick up the phone or contact her on yahoo. Maybe my time is up,maybe my newness has worn off. Who knows. All I know is, I want to talk to the girl who a few days ago said she was my best friend. I probably threw that away. I’m sure I did. I’m alone agian. I just want to fucking drink. Everyone has told me for the longest time, to just not talk to cara…..and I’ve never listened to them . We used to have a fun time together just talking…why cant it be like that again? 2 Months….we transitioned from being in love with each other to being friends. Now that is up in the air I think. I have my issues, but so does she….why cant see that. I’ve sat thru her tough times, I’ve been the one to call and cry, and I’m just so afraid shes walking away from me. I guess she may have had a few bad days, but my mind still wonders, why is this girl who told me she loved me once…and told me a few days ago she was my best friend, not talking to me now?

I’d like to say its something I did…and it is. I fucked up. I pissed her off. I let off so many god damn emotions that she wont let me get off. She wont let me talk about things that are bothing me when they are small…only when they are big. And this pisses us both off. I hope for fucking christ that we can suck this shit up, and go back to how we used to be. Because, I’m not gonna waste my fucking tears worrying about it, few more days of this bullshit, and she can have all the time in the wrold. No cara, this isnt threating to not talk to you, only that I’m not gonna hold up my life, while I wonder what is going on with you. I’m not gonna worry when you dont answer, or when I think you lied to me. I dont want to fucking worry about that shit. The lat 2 days have been worse then we I told you I DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO YOU and that has to change.

I dream of sweeter times.

Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster…and if you gaze into the Abyss, the Abyss gazes also into you.

I hope shit changes soon. Like in 2 hours when Cara gets home from Brookes. I’ll be here with the phone but I dont expect anything. I shouldnt at least, but you know I will. >

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Well last night with Cara didn’t go well, I pressed issues, and she treaded on them. I’ll call her in the morning. I guess I really shot myself in the foot, because she is doubting what friendship we had. Guess only time will fix that, and I wont have the friend I had for awhile. Can’t very much blame her though. I got pissed after that, stayed up til Lotte came home and called Denmark for an hour. Its nice to talk to her, shes so funny and full of life. Reminds me of someone I used to know Well, I should sleep now so I can be up before raids and such. More later, hopefully happier news than I spent a large part of the night softly sobbing.

I read the papers everyday. I always read the headlines of course, but my attention also goes to the arrests. You see, this is a small town. In a small town, you want to know if people you went to High School with have gotten arrested. In fact, I have money on people getting arresetd. It’s really a daily ritual of sorts. On the same page as the arrests is the obituaries. I glance over them every day, never found anyone I knew, but they’re so terse. I mean, when I die, all I am gonna get is :

” Aaron T. Kennedy was burried today. The Rev. -insert whatever guy- officated. The eulogy was preformed by -insert here-. Paulbearers were - six names here - . Mr. Kennedy is survived by -insert names here-.

Thats it. Thats what the end of my life is going to be reported as in the paper. Oh well, we’ll just have to change that, won’t we? No sense dwelling on something that wont happen for another 50 years.

In other news…Cara. I sat in bed last night for about 4 hours, starring at my ceiling thinking about her. She logged last night early, so I couldnt say good night. We had a emotional talk 2 days ago, and I realize I’m wrong once again. I remember when I was younger, I would think everything through. I hated that, I wished I was more impulsive. Now, I’m more impulsive, and I wish I wasnt . I dont think things thru anymore, just get surface impressions and roll with that.

In regards to cara. I still love her, and I probably will for awhile. I get frustrated because she doesnt feel that way anymore. Yet, I’m still hopelessly in love with her. I know its not healthy for either of us. Cara, that is why sometimes I say I dont feel for you anymore. Thats why I said my feelings were ‘bullshit’ on that post. Because although I feel so god damn deeply for you, I know you don’t feel the same way anymore, and some part of me thinks you can see thru my god damn white lie. We promised each other to be honnest long ago, and I havent done that the last few weeks. Yes, I still do care about you romantically. But at the same, I’m so happy with your friendship when my mind doesnt distort something.

Friendship…one of us have always been one. Damn, I dont even want to think about all the shit I have put you thru. It’s a testement to your character that you’ve put up with me the last two months. I know I have been a wide range of emotions, and part of that is still because of how I feel towards you. I get frustrated sometimes, and I hope you can understand that. You know when I am in a bad mood You know how malkavian I can be. That’s my fault not yours. You have been the best friend you can be. I want to be like to you.

I know sometimes I can pester you to talk. I just want to talk sometimes, espically with someone who is close to me as you are. I know sometimes I can be overbearing. I know I can press the issues cara. Let me be to you, like I used to. Let us talk again and just have fun, without the thought in the back of our minds that this wont last. Let’s cry together, let’s talk together, and lets be friends together. I’m sorry cara, if only you could see my tears as I am writing this. I am truly sorry honey. I am sorry…

So I’m gonna be an asshole here. Because, I am one. Cara, you broke my heart. You broke Gregs and Brads too. You were in a serious relationship with Greg, and fucked your friend. That showed maturity. I knew what you did and I still fell for you…and you fell for me. Amin Mela Lle and all that bullshit. It was bullshit. All you ever said to me was bullshit. All were lies. You needed your self-esteem improved, and you got it in me. You went to another guy 13 hours after you told me you loved me…that shows maturity. The point is, you are immature. You got fucked over by Josh, and you cry to me. You are still in high school. You want to be happy, but you never will, until you grow up. Cry about all the nice guys there are, but not near you. I was nice to you, and you made me bitter. You broke my heart, and for that I have never forgiven you. But also like you, I am not that matture. I’m so immature I held onto a girl who fucked me over. No more. No more crying late at night. No more waiting by the phone. But you know, that means no more smiling because you’re talking to me and we’re having fun. I have traded that for contentment.

I wish you luck with Guys….whatever guy it is this quater. You really should take my advice, and quit fucking grinding on every guys leg. You dont know what you want in a guy, you’re confused. Take a step back and evaluate. You know what, as much as Spirited pisses me off right now, he seems like a god damn good friend to you. Don’t do the shit you did with me with him, hes far too good for it.

All you have touched has turned to dust. You are Judas. You smiled and stabbed me in the back. I smiled back as I was bleeding, hoping we could be the same. You traded me for a god damn cock. At heart, thats what you did. You betrayted your own feeling for a fucking orgasm. You know why I can say all my feelings towards you were bullshit. Because you fucked me over, you made me cry. I opened up to you, and you fucking shoved a knife into my heart. You are a bad person. You wasted 5 months of my god damn life. You are an evil and vile person cara. You have made me soooo bitter towards you…I wasnt bitter because you broke my heart, I’m bitter because how you fucking act.

I pity Kilok or Jura, or whoever you deided to lvoe next. How many guys hearts will you break? You need someone new every month telling you they love you? Is that why you insist you can never be replaced in my heart? Tough shit bitch, you have been replaced. So have I. Thank god for that, because you need someone else to cry to about how shitty your love life is. I hope you and Kilok are serious, because my fucking guild needs another person that is bitter towards you. Come to think of it, all that I know are full of hate towards you…because you know what…you are the badguy. You are the evil guy, and you are the fucking bitch who made me cry for 2 months.

Have a nice life, dont call , dont write, dont send me tells. Find some other guy to fuck over, because Cara, you have lost both my freindship and my respect. Goodday.

FIRED!!

So… Cara. Again. Yeah. Roll a dice, thats how I feel about her. I do love that girl. Most of the time at least. When I have her attention, its still like the world stops. When I dont, or she has it turned to someone else, I feel like shit. Thats me being selfish, but I had so much of her attention at one time, it sucks to have to fight for it now.. But you know what, sometimes I do, sometimes I dont. But you know what..its cara we’re talking about. She makes so many new friends…and talks less and less to the old ones.

TO BE COMPLETED

Yeah, so I was weak last night. It’s been 2 months since Cara and I fell apart, It’s been 3 weeks since we fought last. In those 2 months, what have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all. Cara’s friendship is still the most amazing thing, I truly cherrish that. But underneath, I still love her, and I still want to be more than friends. I want to wake up, and smile again because when I log into yahoo, there is a offline message saying, love you, and see you in the morning. I want to have someone care about me again, more than just a friend. I guess its selfish. But that’s how my heart feels. Cara told me once, you cant help who your heart falls for, and she is my choice.

I know when I bring up this topic, nothing will probably ever change. But, if I dont bring it up, nothing will ever change either. Its a paradox. I rememeber when I first slipped out , “I love you”. I denied it at first, spent 30 minutes telling her why,not and then 3 hours teling her why I did. And thru all the bullshit both of us have put each other through, I still love her. I’m so happy to be her friend still, but stilll…I want something more…I want what we used to have that nothing changed about to bring upon the end. Nothing did change, except for feelings she says. How you can tell someone you love them, then 12 hours later go on a date with another guy is beyond me. Feelings dont change that quickly. Still, I look back upon that day, where she wanted to talk, and I had to go because me and my friend were late to a friends, and I still wonder. Maybe if I just talked to her a little longer….blah, I cant think like that. But I do, and I will. Cara is one of the people I feel most at ease talking to. Maybe that’s because I opened my heart to her, and still do. I still have so many intense feelings towards that girl, and sometimes I have to give in to how I feel, and tell her. It’s not the best thing to do, and I should probably just go out and fuck some niave chick here, tell her I care about her, and move on. But, thats not me anymore. I’m not like that, nor do I want to be.

But still, I know me saying this puts a strain on our friendship. It takes me so long to get the words out, because I’m so worried about her exploding. That’s part of the cara I say I love, and I have to realize that too. So although I know sometimes me carrying on what we had angers her, I have to be true to what we had, and say those words again. It’s crazy, its sad, its happy, its scary, its depressing. But, its how I feel, and I can only go on for so long being a fake, without reverting to how I feel for a night.

I guess in all reality, I know cara can never be like that to me again. I’ve set myself up for heartbreak again. I guess i’ll go on for a few months still, waking up sad because I don’t have the most amazing person in the world telling me she loves me anymore. But, I still try, because that’s my goal, no matter how painful it is, I will still aim for it. I will surely fall too, because cara wont let her self fall like she did before. But, in an idealistic world, I have an ideal. That ideal is love, and friendship. And that ideal involves cara. Sigh, maybe in a perfect world….

Amin Mela Lle

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love
n.

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3.

• Sexual passion.
• Sexual intercourse.
• A love affair.

4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one’s affection: Send him my love.