Yeah, so I was weak last night. It’s been 2 months since Cara and I fell apart, It’s been 3 weeks since we fought last. In those 2 months, what have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all. Cara’s friendship is still the most amazing thing, I truly cherrish that. But underneath, I still love her, and I still want to be more than friends. I want to wake up, and smile again because when I log into yahoo, there is a offline message saying, love you, and see you in the morning. I want to have someone care about me again, more than just a friend. I guess its selfish. But that’s how my heart feels. Cara told me once, you cant help who your heart falls for, and she is my choice.
I know when I bring up this topic, nothing will probably ever change. But, if I dont bring it up, nothing will ever change either. Its a paradox. I rememeber when I first slipped out , “I love you”. I denied it at first, spent 30 minutes telling her why,not and then 3 hours teling her why I did. And thru all the bullshit both of us have put each other through, I still love her. I’m so happy to be her friend still, but stilll…I want something more…I want what we used to have that nothing changed about to bring upon the end. Nothing did change, except for feelings she says. How you can tell someone you love them, then 12 hours later go on a date with another guy is beyond me. Feelings dont change that quickly. Still, I look back upon that day, where she wanted to talk, and I had to go because me and my friend were late to a friends, and I still wonder. Maybe if I just talked to her a little longer….blah, I cant think like that. But I do, and I will. Cara is one of the people I feel most at ease talking to. Maybe that’s because I opened my heart to her, and still do. I still have so many intense feelings towards that girl, and sometimes I have to give in to how I feel, and tell her. It’s not the best thing to do, and I should probably just go out and fuck some niave chick here, tell her I care about her, and move on. But, thats not me anymore. I’m not like that, nor do I want to be.
But still, I know me saying this puts a strain on our friendship. It takes me so long to get the words out, because I’m so worried about her exploding. That’s part of the cara I say I love, and I have to realize that too. So although I know sometimes me carrying on what we had angers her, I have to be true to what we had, and say those words again. It’s crazy, its sad, its happy, its scary, its depressing. But, its how I feel, and I can only go on for so long being a fake, without reverting to how I feel for a night.
I guess in all reality, I know cara can never be like that to me again. I’ve set myself up for heartbreak again. I guess i’ll go on for a few months still, waking up sad because I don’t have the most amazing person in the world telling me she loves me anymore. But, I still try, because that’s my goal, no matter how painful it is, I will still aim for it. I will surely fall too, because cara wont let her self fall like she did before. But, in an idealistic world, I have an ideal. That ideal is love, and friendship. And that ideal involves cara. Sigh, maybe in a perfect world….
Amin Mela Lle
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