Happy Smiles

I’m not happy . That’s for damn sure. I really havent been for awhile. I remember the joy of a genuine smile, and have felt the pain of a fake one. I surround my life with people that have problems…Julliaa and her boyfriend…Cara and Josh now…Tweeds…everyone. If I keep myself busy with their problems, mine wont come out. Idealic thinking I suppose. Its the only thign I know to do though. For awhile now, other peoples problems have been a life line for me…something grounding me to earth. The tether on those lifelines get weaker everyday. I think less about them, and more about me. Anyone who truly knows me, knows that is a no-no. If I start thinking…I get paranoid…I see enemeies that arent really there.

Last time, it was a connection between Cara and Spirted. That really hurt me thinking that…because no matter how many times I say it….or try to deny it, there is some part of me that still yearns for the affection I felt from Cara. That affection stopped time for me, and let me live and breathe a little. I need more affection in my life . I need a girl who loves me, and wants to be with me. What I had with Cara might have been love, but I think it was mostly infactuation. Here was a girl that gave me all of her time, said she loved talking to me, said she loved me. Thats great…but it wasnt real. I never saw past the shining image I thoguht was Cara, and saw who she was. Cara isnt the idealized version I had. She isnt sweet anymore. She has so many faults that just drive me insane beause I don’t know exactly how I feel about her at any given time. Everyday I flucuate from not wanting to talk to her, to wanting to be her best friend, to wanting a lot more than that. My feeligns change hourly it seems, because my mind works.

Its kinda sad that this whole journal hasnt had a single entry without cara in it. Like almost 2 months have gone by since that fateful morning, and I havent changed at all. Insted of facing the truth, I bury it. I ignore it. That news is still a demon I have problems slaying. To hear her bitch about how Josh never calls her one week, and the next be excited because he DIDNT cancel on her, that confuses me more. I guess Cara is alot like I was towards her…a puppy. She wants so much to be with him, and will ignore everything to do it. So what if she gives him 15 “last chances”. He calls her int he end because he wants his orgasm. He cannot endanger loosing that. He told her before he wants friendship…but Cara wants more. She is like I was. And like she was with me, she just goes along with it.

Deep down, I still love that girl. On the other hand, sometimes I can barely stand her. Fuck, I don’t know if this is just sleepiness talking, but for the first time in a hell of a long time, I didnt stay up for cara…I stayed up to have fun on EQ with Kay. Cara has been such a driving force in my life since I met her….I didnt go out because I didnt want her to be alone for the longest time. I wanted to give her all the attention she deserved. I tried to treat her like someone I really cared about…because, I really did care about her. In the end, it wasnt realisitc. I fell in love with someoen I didn’t know, didn’t care about me that way, and allowed me to continue on the charade even though it would hurt me. This isnt what I want in a girl…but you know what, sometimes, late at night on moonless nights, I still think back to that small period of time where I breathed…and I yearn for that again. It doesnt have to be Cara, it could be anyone, I just want to feel loved again….thats all I want…is to be loved. Honest, pure, simple, unconditional…love.

Hey Cara, I’m fine btw…I wrote this before I talked to you.