Deep Inside My Thoughts

Work was very hard today. We open tomorrow, and thankfully thats the last time ill see a customer for a while. I had to manage highschoolers today…that sucked ass…they kept wandering off. Too bad I can’t ’sic the fuck’n leeches on ‘em. Management by an ironfist…what a concept. I have so much left to do, im so stressed about it LOL.

Didnt really talk to anyone today. That kinda bumed me out. Said about 2 sentences to cara, spoke to Eeeikko for about 10 minutes, and Masha about the same. I hate being alone sometimes. I know I’m really not, I mean I have friends, but it sure feels like that. Cara was right..I dont write many positive things….because its the positive things I dont need to write about. Cara is staying at joshes for another 2 days at least I’ll call her on her birthday to give her my best, and maybe talk a little friday to her. Josh is coming back to her place I think Saturday, so she’ll be busy again The fact really isnt bothering me too much. I’ll talk to cara whenever she can I suppose, but it wont be about her…ever again.

Tired…cant sleep, dont want to write. Later

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Woke up to the sound of my alarm blaring and my eyes burning. Why they are burning I dont know…I didnt cry or anything. I wasn’t bother merritt didnt show up. I am bothered by other stuff this morning I guess. Will I get to them , eh…who knows. Anyways, I figured I would post my morning rituals for your sadistic enjoyment:

1. Wake up, wander over to computer and kill alarm
2. Load Yahoo and Trillian and check if people are on
3. Check Cara’s, Teter’s, Marusha’s, Masha’s journals
4. Check the Recon forums
5. Go have a cigarette
6. Go shower and shave
7. Have another cigarette
8. Debate if I’m going to post this morning
9. Get Dressed…leave by 720am to be at work around 745

Oops…did that out of order…smoke time . Brb. Damn that hit the spot. Even grabed a tall glass of lemonade.

Talked to meagan ( I mean Masha ) last night for about an hour about russian. That was kinda fun watching her diagram stuff for me. It got my mind off other things, and really mellowed me out. Thanks Masha. Talked to Cara a little bit yesterday when josh was out, mostly about seeing Merritt last night, which didnt happen. So i kinda feel stupid talking to Cara about how much I was looking forward to it now. Julliaa calmed down when I logged back in, and was apologetic for how she acted. That was good. A ranger from the past - Kayrissa , showed up in ex-er chat today,and she’ll be PMing recon soon. She came in right before I left Ethereal Realms, but I kinda wished we talked a little more back then. She does videos for EQ…so I cant wait to see a recon vid. Should be fun. I told Chad and Heatehr I would do tipt or vxed with em this weekend, cause I want to sponsor both of them fairly soon. I hoep Medail (My current PM) works out too. Dont think ive ever talked so much about EQ in a post.

I laid down about 130am last night..couldnt fall asleep so I threw some music on, which is something I dont usually do. I try to keep my room as dark as possible, and as quiet as possible when I sleep. Probably took 30 minutes of music to fall asleep, which unfortuneatly gave me time to think. I hate thinking…thinking is bad . IN fact Cara, laying in bed at night is part of the reason we fight…because I tihnk…my mind wanders…and then I am sad. So there you go, the reason. In that period from being so tired you cant keep your eyes open to falling asleep, my mind just pours…all the stuff I’ve locked up so tightly comes out. And yes Cara, my feelings towards you are locked up in there too. Conciously, they dont come out, subconciously they do. And yes, I am still hurting, but you know what…its fine. To tell the truth, im still a hodgepodge of emotions with you…and thats fine. Most of the time they will be warm emotions…but sometimes, they will be cold ones. I have my mood swings too you know . When we do fight, it does hurt me. But when I say something, believe me its been tumbling around for a couple days in my mind, and I need to get it off my chest,rather than bury it. Illogical yes, but damn logic. And, I still want your friendship, even when I’m pissed the most, even at you, you’re still the one I know I can call when the shit really hits the fan. Not too many people hold that status with me, and I want you to be one of them still . There, me being completely honest with you.

Oh one other thing…I miss Lotte too. I hope she gets back soon. I miss watching her smile on webcam, and talking to her. It would be nice to talk to her again. I can always hope she is coming back….cant I? (another smoke, damn im tired). She should be home soon, within 5 or six more days. I guess i’ll keep emailing her and trying to get in touch wtih her on yahoo.

Well shit, its time to get dressed and leave for work. Wish me well, I have a ton of stuff left to do.

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Hmm so merritt didnt call or answer her cell. Called her twice, waitied til about 9, and went and got food. Merritt is one of the people I can just write off…so wtih that: Merritt, you have been PURGED. Talk to me again in another 18 months if you’d like. Im not pissed per ’se , but I took time off that I could have used better. Gonna log into EQ, get about 2 hours in, and sleep. I have to work in the morning.

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Well Julliaa is sad…so I talked to her for a bit…..

Draw your own conclusions. Its funny the last 3 posts have been so fucking huge.

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Woke up, cleaned my room, played a little EQ. Got some food. Gonna shower now, and clean up for later. Merritt is coming over about 7 and I want to have everything ready by then. Should be a lot of fun seeing her again…and Im sure ill get an update on her womanly problem. ( Her: Aaron do you think its normal to bleed after sex Me: Umm, no…. Her : Well I think im going to the doctor ) , Goodshit.

Havent even thought any more about Cara today…i’ve been kinda busy and kinda happy. I wont have to think about it til tuesday at the least, since shes not coming back til thursday…and only for a day or two. And her birthday is then…so nothing will get resolved this week anyway…next tuesday at the earliest I suspect. Whatever happens , happens.

Oh hell, I stole this from caras blog, might as well fill it out >

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So yeah. stuff with cara is bad. Guess it would be, quite frankly Im surprised we’re talking . I thought we both said our good byes on yahoo. Called her on the phone after I got off yahoo…didnt really say anything at all. Waited an hour or so, called her cell, and we talked a little. We’re both fed up with each other, and what the future will bring , who knows.

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So just ended ties with Cara. Moving on.

genki_mashinka2001 (1:11:01 AM): sohow was the movie?
greykoreq (1:11:10 AM): damn good
greykoreq (1:11:14 AM): best movie ive seen in awhile
genki_mashinka2001 (1:11:54 AM): awesome
greykoreq (1:12:24 AM):
greykoreq (1:13:02 AM): did you get your cae washed and a new fish?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:13:30 AM): no, didnt getmy car washed. I was just looking at fish. didnt want to buy one yet
greykoreq (1:13:43 AM): what breed you looking at?
greykoreq (1:13:59 AM): *species
genki_mashinka2001 (1:14:00 AM): was looking at bettas
genki_mashinka2001 (1:14:03 AM): and guppies
greykoreq (1:14:09 AM): your betta die?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:14:16 AM): when my betta dies I will probably get another one
greykoreq (1:14:22 AM): answers that
genki_mashinka2001 (1:14:24 AM): no not yet
greykoreq (1:14:28 AM): bettas are cool fish
greykoreq (1:15:28 AM): bored
genki_mashinka2001 (1:17:36 AM): I’m so bored. My friend Heather just left
greykoreq (1:17:43 AM): hehe
greykoreq (1:17:56 AM): was talking to cara, got about 5 words and thats it.
greykoreq (1:18:09 AM): watching history channel about Openheimer.
greykoreq (1:19:23 AM): getting kind of tired of EQ again
genki_mashinka2001 (1:21:00 AM): lol she raiding?
greykoreq (1:21:14 AM): wasnt when I crashed
greykoreq (1:21:26 AM): asked her if she wanted to group she said maybe, and thats it
greykoreq (1:21:35 AM): and that she might have to get off when randy gets home
greykoreq (1:22:21 AM): i figured she was on the phone with josh…so i quit sending tells
genki_mashinka2001 (1:22:43 AM): she might still be doin laundry
greykoreq (1:22:56 AM): maybe
greykoreq (1:22:57 AM): /shrug
greykoreq (1:23:01 AM): doesnt matter
greykoreq (1:24:21 AM): kinda wanted to ask her when her band camp is, but it can wait til tomorrow.
genki_mashinka2001 (1:24:57 AM): sometime in august
greykoreq (1:25:07 AM): well I would come sometime in august
genki_mashinka2001 (1:25:21 AM): just to see band camp??
greykoreq (1:25:34 AM): no,just be sometime in august
genki_mashinka2001 (1:25:39 AM): oooh ok
greykoreq (1:25:41 AM): hehe
greykoreq (1:25:48 AM): IE I dont wanna come during band camp
genki_mashinka2001 (1:27:21 AM): i think you’d be safe with either the first or 2nd week of august
greykoreq (1:27:54 AM): i checked prices for the 10th
genki_mashinka2001 (1:28:01 AM): usually band camp is the first 2 weeks before school starts and school starts late august
genki_mashinka2001 (1:28:02 AM): ooh?
greykoreq (1:28:10 AM): yeah, 250 round
genki_mashinka2001 (1:28:17 AM): that good or bad?
greykoreq (1:28:20 AM): good
greykoreq (1:28:30 AM): its only $400 to copenhagen )
genki_mashinka2001 (1:28:37 AM): damn
greykoreq (1:28:42 AM): yeah
greykoreq (1:28:51 AM): 190 to new york…400 to copenhagen
genki_mashinka2001 (1:29:55 AM): wow..it was like 500 i think for rob to fly from freakin GA
greykoreq (1:30:07 AM): damn
greykoreq (1:30:11 AM): did he fly during the week?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:30:17 AM): yeah
greykoreq (1:30:21 AM): heh
greykoreq (1:30:28 AM): form indy to san fran…its like 246
genki_mashinka2001 (1:30:38 AM): cool
genki_mashinka2001 (1:30:52 AM): did u ask your friend where she was from?
greykoreq (1:31:06 AM): what friend?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:31:14 AM): that u think might want to pick u up
greykoreq (1:31:29 AM): whoa?
greykoreq (1:31:41 AM): pick me up?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:31:46 AM): from the airport?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:31:53 AM): u mentioned her earlier
greykoreq (1:31:58 AM): oh, shal
greykoreq (1:32:00 AM): no she wasnt on
greykoreq (1:32:20 AM): i didnt mean pick me up from the airport, i mean drive to wherever I stay
genki_mashinka2001 (1:32:28 AM): ooooh okay..well either way
greykoreq (1:32:36 AM): yeah
greykoreq (1:33:13 AM): I know a month and a half ago when cara suggested I come visit, she said I could stay at her house…worst case I just get a hotel room for 5 days
greykoreq (1:33:35 AM): which will more than the plane
greykoreq (1:34:35 AM): *cost
genki_mashinka2001 (1:34:52 AM): depending on where ya stay, yeah
greykoreq (1:35:13 AM): yep
greykoreq (1:36:41 AM): lol, I wish she would respond
genki_mashinka2001 (1:40:34 AM): call her
greykoreq (1:40:40 AM): why?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:40:56 AM): well if u want to talk to her lol that’d be the next possible way
greykoreq (1:41:01 AM): lol
greykoreq (1:41:05 AM): yeah it would
greykoreq (1:41:23 AM): but most of the time when I call, she never picks up , or she just misses it
greykoreq (1:41:39 AM): her mom and jim are gone arent they?
genki_mashinka2001 (1:41:44 AM): yep!
greykoreq (1:42:12 AM): hmm, ill call her in 10 minutes I suppose
greykoreq (1:43:10 AM): if shes online, and just too busy to respond to me,then she’ll just be pissed
genki_mashinka2001 (1:43:20 AM): true
greykoreq (1:43:29 AM): I dont know sometimes with her anymore
greykoreq (1:43:39 AM): she really only wants to talk when shes pissed at Josh
greykoreq (1:43:53 AM): and other times, its like im just a nuisence sometimes
greykoreq (1:44:22 AM): so thats why im hesitant to call out of the blue anymore.
greykoreq (1:46:59 AM): okay okay…im gonna try
genki_mashinka2001 (1:47:16 AM): lol ok?
greykoreq (1:47:23 AM): hehe
greykoreq (1:49:22 AM): yep no answer.
greykoreq (1:49:36 AM): oh well.
genki_mashinka2001 (1:49:59 AM): be patient
greykoreq (1:51:40 AM): lol
greykoreq (1:51:42 AM): I am nowdays.
greykoreq (1:52:15 AM): just frustrating is all, happens most of the time
genki_mashinka2001 (1:53:49 AM): ( things will get better
greykoreq (1:54:02 AM): maybe.
greykoreq (1:54:28 AM): Cara still means a lot to me, but it sucks to be a part time friend…a person to talk to only when josh pisses her off .
greykoreq (1:55:03 AM): LOL, and Im still like a puppy, there to call when I get home, even though she wont answer
greykoreq (1:56:13 AM): i wish tweeds would get online, she was fun to talk to.
genki_mashinka2001 (1:56:34 AM): lol is she?
greykoreq (1:56:39 AM): she actually is.
greykoreq (1:57:20 AM): I guess new people are always fun
greykoreq (1:57:25 AM): everyone likes to meet new people.
genki_mashinka2001 (1:58:25 AM): yeah
greykoreq (1:58:29 AM):
greykoreq (1:58:42 AM): I need to meet more people LOL
greykoreq (1:58:52 AM): I dont have very many deep relationships with anyone.
greykoreq (2:00:20 AM): i should dust off my address book and call friends from EQ ihavent talked to in years LOL
greykoreq (2:00:36 AM): I would scare the shit out of 90% of em
genki_mashinka2001 (2:00:38 AM): u should!
greykoreq (2:00:56 AM): lol, if im ever that bored Meagan…shoot me
genki_mashinka2001 (2:01:08 AM): LOL ok!
greykoreq (2:01:13 AM): hehe
greykoreq (2:01:58 AM): I miss having a life really, I used to do stuff, then this damn game became the biggest souce of entertainment
greykoreq (2:02:11 AM): now I have to schedule myself off of raids just to see a movie
genki_mashinka2001 (2:02:41 AM): time for u to get a new hobby
greykoreq (2:02:55 AM): time for me to get a life
greykoreq (2:03:34 AM): hmm
greykoreq (2:03:42 AM): maybe I should call again?
greykoreq (2:06:04 AM): nvm, she was afk .
genki_mashinka2001 (2:07:29 AM): lol see
genki_mashinka2001 (2:07:31 AM): patience
greykoreq (2:07:39 AM): i have patience
greykoreq (2:07:50 AM): I just know how cara can be.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:13:47 AM): haha true
greykoreq (2:14:14 AM): yeah it is.
greykoreq (2:14:23 AM): shes busy lol
genki_mashinka2001 (2:14:32 AM): doing laundry?
greykoreq (2:14:35 AM): no
greykoreq (2:14:51 AM): i asked her if she wanted to group earlier, she said after raids, shes doing something with Fates Forge I think
greykoreq (2:15:16 AM): which means I cant ask her tonight, because shes ‘pulling’
genki_mashinka2001 (2:15:21 AM): oh yeah, with her new friends lol
greykoreq (2:15:25 AM): yeah
greykoreq (2:15:37 AM): I tell you what, it felt so great when I was her new friend
genki_mashinka2001 (2:16:21 AM): lol
genki_mashinka2001 (2:16:36 AM): I’m talking about the people in fates forge…they think she’s all cool
greykoreq (2:18:33 AM): yeah
greykoreq (2:18:38 AM): and thats what drives her
greykoreq (2:18:57 AM): eci.Greykor: can we talk sometime? eci.Niveya: yes
greykoreq (2:19:19 AM): eci.Greykor: hehe eci.Greykor: soon? eci.Greykor: eci.Niveya: uhh probably
greykoreq (2:19:53 AM): Im generally in high spirits in regards to cara.
greykoreq (2:20:49 AM): it just sucks being relegated from being someone she said she loved and WANTED to talk to , to someone she will talk to late at night
greykoreq (2:21:09 AM): and sometimes that still gets to me
genki_mashinka2001 (2:21:47 AM): well things change
greykoreq (2:21:53 AM): yeah, they do.
greykoreq (2:22:00 AM): and ive generalyl accepted that.
greykoreq (2:22:04 AM): *generally
genki_mashinka2001 (2:22:10 AM): she’s just busier…that happened with rob and I. Over the summer..we talked for hours. once school started he was down to an hour late at night lol
greykoreq (2:22:17 AM): hehe
greykoreq (2:22:27 AM): it was different with Cara I think, but hell Im probably wrong
greykoreq (2:24:16 AM): hehe she expects everytime I talk to her, its going to be bad…”I can talk, but not about emotional stuff”
greykoreq (2:24:27 AM): tell me if I start venting
genki_mashinka2001 (2:24:33 AM): lol you are fine
genki_mashinka2001 (2:24:51 AM): well if u tink about it…there’s a reason why she’s paranoid about that b/c that’s all it’s been lately
genki_mashinka2001 (2:24:57 AM): and when u get like that u wont let things go
greykoreq (2:25:03 AM): I know I dont.
greykoreq (2:25:28 AM): I dont know how to explain it…but you know what, it sucks.
greykoreq (2:26:08 AM): I just dont understand sometimes…and that influences me.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:27:07 AM): like being extremely over emotional about nothing?
greykoreq (2:27:26 AM): its something to me
genki_mashinka2001 (2:27:51 AM): more like u can be VERY tired from NOT sleeping..so you think it’s a huge ass deal?
genki_mashinka2001 (2:28:01 AM): when all cara wants to do is SLEEP lol
greykoreq (2:28:04 AM): thats quite possible too.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:28:06 AM): lol
greykoreq (2:28:28 AM): I dunno, put yourself in my shoes…you donthtink you would act the same way ?
genki_mashinka2001 (2:29:18 AM): doesnt mean it’s the most rational way to act and not do anything about it. I would see how it’s affecting the ppl around me and say gee..maybe I just need sleep. I might just back off this one for the night and see how i feel in the morning
genki_mashinka2001 (2:29:33 AM): bc u know what? half the time u do that..u realize later on..oh maybe I over reacted
greykoreq (2:29:36 AM): I do that sometimes
greykoreq (2:30:38 AM): One day everything wsa happy, next month we were constantly fighting, at least we have somewhat of peace now.
greykoreq (2:31:48 AM): and you have to realize, I put a damn lot of trust in Cara…call it trust faith, belief whatnot.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:32:09 AM): well just think of it as getting to know cara more….u think u knew her..now u are really getting to know what she is like
greykoreq (2:32:19 AM): honnestly…
greykoreq (2:32:32 AM): nothing snapped me out of being in love with Cara…quite like cara.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:32:41 AM): all friendships go though ups and downs
genki_mashinka2001 (2:32:46 AM): lol
greykoreq (2:32:51 AM): its damn truth
greykoreq (2:33:02 AM): even now, if shes not in tears, we dont talk
greykoreq (2:33:17 AM): I cant call her with my problems anymore. I have to internalize them again.
greykoreq (2:33:48 AM): and Ill be the first to admit, I do have my fair share of issues.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:33:51 AM): cara is your only friend that knows your problems? Lotte is nowhere in there?
greykoreq (2:33:58 AM): Lotte is gone.
greykoreq (2:34:02 AM): Undependable
greykoreq (2:34:13 AM): and I cant very well call Denmark on a whim
genki_mashinka2001 (2:34:37 AM): what about your friends from home?
greykoreq (2:35:03 AM): They know none of my problems, nor will they ever.
greykoreq (2:35:59 AM): Teter knows about cara…all about her
genki_mashinka2001 (2:36:02 AM): so internalizing them is your choice, not b/c of cara?
greykoreq (2:36:37 AM): I guess it is.
greykoreq (2:37:16 AM): The friends I have, arent the kind I can call up and cry to.
greykoreq (2:37:23 AM): I never cried to I met cara…I never let myself cry.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:37:28 AM): hmm
greykoreq (2:37:39 AM): and the same girl that toldme it was alright to cry, doesnt want me to be emotional.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:38:33 AM): no, more like she doesnt want to rehash what’s been discussed to death 50 million times. She loves talking to you, but at 5am, talking in circles..just doesnt help anyone.
greykoreq (2:38:45 AM): no it doesnt.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:38:51 AM): let alone you…b/c u need sleep!!
greykoreq (2:39:05 AM): but theres is still shit we HAVENT talked about…stuff she wouldnt let me bring up.
greykoreq (2:39:11 AM): and im over it really
genki_mashinka2001 (2:39:16 AM): hmm
greykoreq (2:39:29 AM): no..I mean im over it…not that im over it…you know what I mean
genki_mashinka2001 (2:39:33 AM): did u tell her its not the same old stuff?
greykoreq (2:39:37 AM): nope
greykoreq (2:40:03 AM): I can ask if she wants to talk, but god damnit, i dont press the shit unless I need to talk to someone.
greykoreq (2:40:37 AM): venting yet?
greykoreq (2:41:32 AM): Cara has fucked me up, and I really dont let HER get me too down.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:42:10 AM): how has she done that?
greykoreq (2:42:20 AM): just the situation.
greykoreq (2:45:43 AM): I mean I was hurt before, but i dont let it hurt me too much anymore
greykoreq (2:46:37 AM): so when you say”dont worry things willg et better” it doesnt matter if they do or not Meagan
greykoreq (2:49:19 AM): okay, sorry for snapping
genki_mashinka2001 (2:49:50 AM): umm u snapped at me?
greykoreq (2:49:57 AM): hehe I thought I did
greykoreq (2:50:05 AM): thank god you cant hear tone on the net
genki_mashinka2001 (2:50:13 AM): LOL
greykoreq (2:50:56 AM): The first night I talked to cara at night…we were talking about ourselves…and I hear this moan.
greykoreq (2:51:29 AM): followed by rapid breathing… and all that shit…I didnt know what to say so I kept quiet. We talked etc, said goodnight.
greykoreq (2:52:03 AM): called her the next day…and she told me what she did.
greykoreq (2:52:23 AM): Then read erotica to me…made me…well you get the point.
greykoreq (2:52:31 AM): Every damn night…she insisted on doing that.
greykoreq (2:53:09 AM): Now I got something out of it too, but when you say “aaron I love you” during that…and talk about how much you care, and how she wishes I could have been there with her, that means alot to me.
greykoreq (2:53:29 AM): sorry if this is too much to hear…and never ever ever ever ever tell cara I told you.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:53:46 AM): tell me what?
genki_mashinka2001 (2:53:47 AM): \
greykoreq (2:54:18 AM): and to hear every night… ” Aaron, I just want to shout how much I love you in Everquest ” that meant something to me.
greykoreq (2:54:31 AM): and more oft…shes the first girl in 3years I actually said I loved.
greykoreq (2:54:48 AM): She would cry to me, I would cry to her…I could be myself around her…and the same with her.
greykoreq (2:55:18 AM): but always…save when she was on her period…it would be raspy breathing late at night…with talk of love and destiny.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:55:38 AM): u are still bitter arent u?
genki_mashinka2001 (2:55:50 AM): u tell me the same things every time, just different examples
greykoreq (2:55:57 AM): Ill always be a little bitter
greykoreq (2:56:05 AM): but I know what the reality is.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:56:18 AM): reminding her of how it was…wont make the present any different
greykoreq (2:56:26 AM): I dont tell her this.
greykoreq (2:56:37 AM): I dont want her anymore.
genki_mashinka2001 (2:57:17 AM): but with what u just told me, I can see why you’d be bitter
greykoreq (2:57:25 AM): I am…I still am.
greykoreq (2:57:48 AM): The day before she went to joshes… “Aaron, I love you so much. You mean the world to me”
greykoreq (2:58:07 AM): and that my friend, is why I was, and still am kinda hurt.
greykoreq (2:58:27 AM): because the first person I trusted in 3 years, betrayed that trust…and yes…there’s that word again
genki_mashinka2001 (2:58:55 AM): but she didnt go to Josh’s in love with him. She still loved you, she just understood the situation…
greykoreq (2:59:05 AM): yes, and I did too.
greykoreq (2:59:19 AM): I knew every time she went to brads, they could slepe together…
greykoreq (2:59:24 AM): because it was brad who ended greg.
greykoreq (2:59:31 AM): even cara will admit that.
greykoreq (2:59:37 AM): brad was the final stroke in the coffin.
greykoreq (2:59:43 AM): stroke = nail
genki_mashinka2001 (2:59:51 AM): yes he was..but her and greg were over before that
genki_mashinka2001 (2:59:56 AM): it wasnt all brad
genki_mashinka2001 (3:00:05 AM): and if greg thinks that then that just proves how STUPID he is
greykoreq (3:00:14 AM): Greg doesnt think that…it was Cara who said that.
greykoreq (3:00:23 AM): I never ever talked to Greg until a few weeks ago.
greykoreq (3:00:33 AM): I never ever talked to Tweeds until a few weeks ago.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:00:53 AM): I’ve also heard her say it wasnt all brad. She never loved brad. It wasnt allll b/c of brad..greg wasnt perfect
greykoreq (3:01:03 AM): no one is perfect.
greykoreq (3:01:16 AM): The guy cara seeks doesnt exist.
greykoreq (3:01:33 AM): She talks about ‘connections’ and then cries to me because he didnt call her
greykoreq (3:02:12 AM): and you know, even after all this shit, I still elevate cara…not as much as I did before…but I still do.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:02:20 AM): yah she’s really falling for him if she’s to the point of crying over stuff about him
genki_mashinka2001 (3:02:27 AM): u still hold out hope for her and you maybe?
greykoreq (3:02:36 AM): I wouldnt take her back…those days are dead.
greykoreq (3:02:43 AM): I want my friend that we started out as.
greykoreq (3:03:00 AM): I dont want to fucking masturbate nightly for her enjoyment. (sorry)
genki_mashinka2001 (3:03:17 AM): lol that was bitter!
greykoreq (3:03:21 AM): I dont want to get phone calls at 7pm when shes in the shower pleasuing her self
greykoreq (3:03:54 AM): because you kow what…thats the shit that got me attached. That and the love…and the destiny.
greykoreq (3:04:37 AM): And I want to meet her…if only to tell myself this girl isnt my type and this girl hurt me
greykoreq (3:04:42 AM): ( still not bitter )
genki_mashinka2001 (3:04:44 AM): destiny?
greykoreq (3:04:50 AM): yeah the talk about it
greykoreq (3:05:12 AM): her talk about people running into each other for a reason…”Maybe our reason was to be with eachother ”
greykoreq (3:05:35 AM): The built a perfect trap to get attention, and im still like a god damn puppy.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:05:40 AM): lol damn, no wonder she shut the entire world out when she was talking to u
greykoreq (3:05:47 AM): yeah no shit.
greykoreq (3:06:04 AM): and I did the same to my ‘friends’
genki_mashinka2001 (3:06:32 AM): and I kept thinking she’s actin way stupid towards her friends for just talkin gto a friend she’s NEVER met lol makes sense now
greykoreq (3:06:49 AM): But you go from that…where we would randomly just say ” I love you” on the phone, to getting no calls and being ignored
greykoreq (3:07:10 AM): god damn…she even translated I Love You into elvish… “Amin Mela Lla ”
genki_mashinka2001 (3:07:18 AM): ick
genki_mashinka2001 (3:07:19 AM): lol
greykoreq (3:07:30 AM): so yeah meagan, I gues im just a tad bit bitter
genki_mashinka2001 (3:07:36 AM): lol ya think!?
greykoreq (3:07:40 AM): just a tad.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:07:49 AM): dood and why do u always say my name?
genki_mashinka2001 (3:07:57 AM): it’s weird lol
greykoreq (3:07:58 AM): hehe I dunno
greykoreq (3:08:02 AM): shall I call you Meg?
greykoreq (3:08:09 AM): or Masha?
genki_mashinka2001 (3:08:11 AM): I dunno..just no one ever calls me meagan
greykoreq (3:08:17 AM): okay…Masha
genki_mashinka2001 (3:08:25 AM): NO ONE calls me by my real name lol
greykoreq (3:08:30 AM): lol
greykoreq (3:08:33 AM): I wont anymore
genki_mashinka2001 (3:08:38 AM): have u ever just told cara what u just told me?
greykoreq (3:08:43 AM): no.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:09:08 AM): b/c that is different then your usual stuff of,..why dont u want to talk to me etc…ui need to just e-mail the damn chat to her lol
greykoreq (3:09:16 AM): heh
genki_mashinka2001 (3:09:17 AM): let it be down
genki_mashinka2001 (3:09:19 AM): done*
greykoreq (3:09:23 AM): that would make things go smoother
genki_mashinka2001 (3:09:24 AM): and be able to move on
greykoreq (3:09:39 AM): I want to meet her, to know to myself it was a fantasy…and I would have never worked with her
greykoreq (3:09:52 AM): I wanted tomove there because her friend needed a roommate, not because I still loved Cara.
greykoreq (3:10:22 AM): not a word to her…remember you promised Masha.
greykoreq (3:10:33 AM): I mean it this time…no backchannel overtures…nothing.
greykoreq (3:10:35 AM):
genki_mashinka2001 (3:10:45 AM): lol i promise
greykoreq (3:10:50 AM): I know : )
greykoreq (3:10:58 AM): but now you know most of the truth.
greykoreq (3:11:11 AM): She never wanted to tell her guild about us…
greykoreq (3:11:29 AM): all that time you asked if we were just friends…we werent.
greykoreq (3:11:32 AM): we were more.
greykoreq (3:11:47 AM): and whenshe posted her and Josh were a couple, that surprised me.
greykoreq (3:12:02 AM): because that was for attention…then she bitches about getting attention…and gets more attention.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:12:14 AM): she did that in defense of herself…otherwise it’s none of the guilds business to know what she doesnt want ppl to know
greykoreq (3:12:22 AM): she wanted people to know.
greykoreq (3:12:39 AM): I was on the phone with her when she posted it.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:12:55 AM): I was there when she wrote it lol I know
greykoreq (3:13:00 AM): hehe
greykoreq (3:13:12 AM): mind if I inhale a quick smoke…wont take more than a minute
genki_mashinka2001 (3:13:17 AM): go for it
greykoreq (3:13:20 AM): oh yeah..the tweeds bashing..I remember
greykoreq (3:13:29 AM): thank you Mea…masha
greykoreq (3:16:31 AM): oaky
greykoreq (3:16:35 AM): well 3 mintues .
genki_mashinka2001 (3:16:40 AM): lol
greykoreq (3:17:01 AM): you know whats damn funny…she treated you like shit because of me…you were againt me…and you are the one I come to for my problems now…so much for internalizng the cara stuff
genki_mashinka2001 (3:17:17 AM): LOL go figure
greykoreq (3:17:23 AM): that time she ‘forgot’ about you on call waiting….
greykoreq (3:17:42 AM): she was in the middle of masturbation.
greykoreq (3:18:19 AM): I talk to you more than I talk to Cara…and I feel infinately more comfortable talking to you .
genki_mashinka2001 (3:18:19 AM): lol and u are telling me this why?
greykoreq (3:18:30 AM): beause I guess im more bitter than I thought.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:19:14 AM): there is a difference u and I. I have accepted cara for who she is. You, can’t let go of some things. Cara and I have had our ups and downs in the past…and they are just that. nothing is ever the end of the world
greykoreq (3:19:28 AM): Nothing shall ever end my world.
greykoreq (3:19:32 AM): Least of bit cara.
greykoreq (3:19:53 AM): You know i have my bouts of depression, I have seen the darkest times….theres a god damn good reason i dont tolerate drinking anymore
genki_mashinka2001 (3:20:07 AM): u tell me all the “evil” things she’s done, to or about me and u assume I dont already know them
greykoreq (3:20:17 AM): thats true.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:20:33 AM): when i knew before she met u, and I will years from now
greykoreq (3:20:34 AM): Because you are smart…and you can put 1 and 1 together….and I forget that sometimes
greykoreq (3:20:49 AM): yeah, I hope I can know her in years too.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:20:57 AM): THAT is something u didnt understand.
greykoreq (3:20:58 AM): because I do want her as a friend, but I want respect too.
genki_mashinka2001 (3:21:05 AM): and u derserve that
greykoreq (3:21:32 AM): and not wanting to call her anymore, because she wont answer the phone…even when randy is on and he says cara is watching TV and the phone is ringing is bullshit
greykoreq (3:22:09 AM): and I owe so much to cara still because of how happy I was for that short of time…how I didnt care about everything else, I cant say just fuckit, and never talk to her again
greykoreq (3:22:21 AM): damnit, im almost in tears…damn women..emotions are bad.
greykoreq (3:22:29 AM): You remember that TV show La Femme Nikita?
genki_mashinka2001 (3:22:41 AM): yah
greykoreq (3:22:44 AM): you ever watch it?
genki_mashinka2001 (3:22:48 AM): yup
greykoreq (3:22:58 AM): When I was younger…I wanted to be like MIchael…
greykoreq (3:23:06 AM): and I was…no emotions…no smile…no frown…just there.
greykoreq (3:23:23 AM): and I do miss that somewhat…I miss not feeling terrible…i was just..sad.
greykoreq (3:24:43 AM): Damn…this is gonna change how you percieve me so much again
greykoreq (3:24:53 AM): but its nice to be ME .
greykoreq (3:25:25 AM): and you know what..you are a better person than cara, because you offer help when I need it, even though I know you had/have your own issues going on.
greykoreq (3:25:57 AM): You and Lotte are MY vent people.
greykoreq (3:26:13 AM): LOL, I couldnt even call cara anymore to cry about something that bothered me.
greykoreq (3:26:36 AM): great, now cara wants me to call >

var sc_project=312449;
var sc_partition=1;

Life is filled with irony. I talked to Mea…I mean Masha for like 2 and a half hours last night. Talked alot about my problems with her. Its so ironic , because Masha was against cara having feelings for me, and against her talking to me. Cara used to talk to me for hours, and ignore meagan. I say this is irony, because the person who used to dislike me because I had her friend on the phone for hours every day, is now the one I confide in. I feel more comfortable talking to stuff with Masha then I do with Cara now. Shes alot easier to get a hold of, and she listens. I’m tired of wanting to talk to Cara about something that is bothering me, to only be ignored. I will never stay up to talk to her again. If im tired, I go to sleep. If cara wants to talk, she needs to realize I need sleep,and Im not gonna stay up to hear her voice anymore. The puppy is dead.

I talked to you for six minutes because I was in a bad mood and I didnt know how long the charade would last. Hell, I didnt even really want to call you, but Masha said it would be a good idea. I didnt want to say shit to your face that would hurt you, espically before the night you see the one you have fallen madly for. Why? Because I am in touch with my fucking feelings, and I try not to be an asshole. I dont know if I will even call you today, because Im sick of being the one to call. I’m sick of feeling like a problem, and Im sick of you saying you are busy. Im sick of you being my part-time friend, only there when it serves you. It crushes me to only talk to you when you are crying over missing Joshua, or having a bad day. You arent there anymore when Im sad. You cant be the friend we both promised we would be to each other.

Do I let all the issues pour? Yeah sure, fuck it. Lets get them off my chest , since you wont hear them when I try to talk about them. At least now you will get them when someone can comfort you. I shall serve to drive you and Josh closer.

I met a girl 4 or 5 months ago. He name was Cara. She was in love with Greg, and was getting married to him in Everquest. We started talking, and it was like no one I had talked to before…we spent hours sending tells to each other back then. The we decided to call. We made eggs together . One night, late at night, we were talking and I heard a moan…I didnt say anything…because well, what could I say. The next night Cara told me she masturbated while talking to me. I dont remember how soon we started doing it for each other…but it soon started. Cara read me erotica, or got me arroused to the point where I had to do something about that. We did this nightly. Even when she was on her period she made me do it for her. It was expected, but I know I got something out of it too. During this whole time, Cara and I continued to get to know one another. We started talking for hours…think the most we talked was like 14 hours one day.

Then one day, while orgasming, I told her I loved her. Then I promptly denied it. Then I promptly got on Yahoo to express my feelings to tell her I did ‘love’ her. We talked about destiny back then…how two people meet for a reason. It was Cara that said that. She suggested her reason was to meet me. Listening to a person come for you…shout your name….tell them what they want you to do…how they wish that you were there so you cold hold them in your arms…its extremely emotional. I fell for it. I trusted Cara like I never had anyone prior. That would be my greatest mistake.

You know what, insted of typing all this shit, ill just post me and Masha yahoo log. That would be better than trying to retype everything.