More whining tonight. From now on…I shall be Gothik because of my self loathing. Gothik with a K…fucking danish people. I thought about why I play Everquest today. The simple answer is…Power. In the real world, I have a shitty job, a shitty life, and a shitty existance. In game, I’m respected, powerful, and somewhat feared. I’m someone in Everquest, a powerbroker of sorts…there I am important. Only there I have meaning. In real life, im worthless, in EQ I’m a god. I can talk shit in EQ and take care of business….when I do that in life, I get hurt 
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I’ve been sad for over a week now. I can’t place my finger on why, but I am. I feel down about work. This stuff is below me, and they could never pay me enough to enjoy it. Work is really just 8 hours of torture…I know I have more raw talent than everyone there combined. I have gotten lazy since I graduated though, and I hate that I’ve lost some of my work ethic…I need a job I enjoy and have fun at again…as well that pays me the money I am worth. Life would then be happy. Im sad about my family, living here is truly a curse. I must get out. I can’t stand any of them…and people just piss me off. I dont want to talk to any of them, and there is a reason I dont answer phone calls with their numbers. I don’t care about their life…I don’t care about them, and I certainly dont NEED them meddling in my life. You’d think they get the clue and just give up on me….but no.
I’m starting to think I’m depressed again…I dont really know if I even came out of it really . I really think the whole Cara Event was just a cover… I was happy…but i wasn’t HAPPY. I made her into what would make me happy…I elevated her on a pedastol. Cara is an awesome friend, but shes not perfect like I thought. I’m still glad to have her count me as a friend. One thing I feel bad abot really is how she changed me. I like how I feel now…but I miss how I used to feel. I remember hiding my emotions, never crying, and being a man. The legend of The Duke I guess. I miss not being wounded…just sad. I miss being stoic. I miss isolation…not trusting or beliving in anyone. Back then, even the ones I called ‘friend’ I didnt talk to. I was alone, and by being alone, I was safe. I made a pact with myself years ago, that I would be alone forever, and never trust anyore. To me, the issues and feeligns I carry are mine alone—and no one, no matter how much they mean to me, deserve to bear them with me. I let down my guard with Cara, and I can never do that again. These are my demons to bear, and mine to bear alone. No friend, lover, or whatnot can help me through them. I am alone.
I blame my family for this. My father most of all. Passing on a mental illness is the cruelest thing you can do. I am depressed..like my father…like my grandmother. I am strong now, but in 20 years will I be strong ? I have this overwelming fear of dying by my own hand, like my grandmother did. This is the single most paralyzing fear I have. I fear it may be inevitable. I can’t forsee the future, but I can be strong now, and hope I’m strong down the line. I have never tried to commit suicide, but I have put myself in situations where I could have very well died. I think it was more youthful indiscression and anger than anything.
I have to sleep..i want to write more, but i have to work. I promise more tomorrow.
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