So in the last two day’s I have seen Fahrenheit 9/11 and Spiderman 2. Both are very good movies. Fahrenheit 9/11 made me think alot, but surprsingly so did spiderman. I mean, its sad that I think more about some popart superhero than the Bush administration. In spiderman of course, Spiderman doesnt want love because hes afraid of what may happen to the one he cares about. Its different for me though. I think sometimes that no one should have to put up with my demon, depression. I mean I’m generally happy, but there’s always that hour or so each day I feel like shit. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry, other’s I just want to shell up like I used to. I went 3 years without being open to anyone, without letting anyone get too close and too personal. I don’t know if I can do that again, even though its what I think is best. ( Now cara, I know you’re thinking im not over you, but I am . Friends plz ) One day, I decide to open up to someone, and tell them my hopes, my dreams, my failures, my faults. And because I picked a completely understanding person, I came out realativly unscathed. If it wasn’t cara, I would be in a darker mood than I am now. I can see that. If someone had just stopped talking to me, I would be so fucking sad right now. But she didn’t , and that elevates me. But still, there’s that one hour a day that still gets my mind working…
I have known of my family’s history with depression. My grandmother Kennedy killed herself because of it. My mother suffers from it, and I think my father to some extent. It seems so unavoidable sometimes. I always have this nagging fear of dying by my own hand someday, and let me tell you, thats not a good way to feel. Years ago, I would think about suicide on a daily basis, now I dont even think about it anymore. I’m happy for what I have, and what I will have in the future. I’m a Kennedy, and although that damns me to insanity, it also gives me a birthright to grab the world and have my way with it. And by god I will take what I can sow. I’m tired of feeling useless and empty, its time to feel needed and joyful once again. I will attend college again, I will graduate, and I will begin the ruthless assent to the top. I will falter, but I cannot fail. Failure is no longer an option. I go all the way, or I go nowhere. I like to talk about binary choices. Life is a binary choice. I either succed beyond my wildest dreams, or fail and do nothing. Those are my two options. I cannot fail, only succeed.
I will be moving soon, hopefully to california. It will be tough. I shall go without my family’s blessing probably. I shall not recieve my trust fund that my grandparents established to pay off college or buy a small house. I won’t recieve the safety of living at home. It will be me alone verus the world. And even at twenty, I am filled with so much doubt. There will be no one to rely on, only myself. I will be truly free. This is what I wanted for a long time, after this I will truly be alone. Isolation is peace. Isolation allows me to fufil my own destiny that I have chosen for myself…and its suffices to say that includes lots of cash, nice cars, nice houses, and piles and piles of women with bisexual tendencies. Since it’s my goal, its possible right? Right.
I hope I will make it. I know in my heart I will. But, there’s always that chance. I will not fall. I won’t take that. Victory at all costs, faillure at none. I either go all the way or I dont get off the gound. I exceed my goals, or falter in the process. That is my only real option.
