Deep Inside My Thoughts

So its like 7am. I have to work in an hour. I got like 3 hours of sleep because I stayed up to make sure Cara was okay. Yesterday, when I got home , she wasn’t feeling the best. She was kinda frustrated at well everything. We talked for a bit, and I think I helped her a little bit. Shes heading out to Josh’s today ( he told her to come at 2am last night) so she’s pretty happy. Lotte left for Copenhagen today til tuesday, so I wont have anyone to talk to . I hope Cara is feeling better today, I think she will be since she said she was gonna head to ada’s to nurse him. It’s still weird giving her advice on how a guy would react….but I really dont mind. Well sorry for the abreviated post, but I must go shave and work. Probably wont post today as I think I’m just going to bed when I get home,even though it is my day off.

” Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

The forray into my mind continues. More demons have been conjured up tonight. More has been aded to my pile of stuff to think about. My issues with Cara are pretty much outlined yetsterday. This isnt issues with her, it’s issues with myself. And all thing things have haunted me for as long as I can remember. Perhaps bringing them to the surface will help somehow, perhaps it will only scare away. Alas, I must bring them out, and I must share them. because my well being depends on it. I have corked up my thoughts for far too long, and its time for them to flow once again.

So, without further delay, lets get the tears flowing once again and get down to the gritty stuff. My issues, publically displayed for your entertainment or pity or understanding:

My Relationship With My Family

• Nonexistant. I feel no, nor have I ever felt, any sort of connection to any member of my family. I have never felt true love…true unconditional love. As I look back, I see only anger and trying not to yell at each other. My mother and I argue all the time. It’s a chore to talk to her. Therefore I ignore her. The only damn reason we still talk is my asshole brother, because he had to be picked up from my father’s by her. And now that the little shit has finally gotten his liscense (hes 17) I pray I never have to see her again. It wouldnt hurt to just never talk again. In fact, I would enjoy it. My father I have to give at least token notice to. I dont care about him either. I don’t like being told how my life should be lived. He is not as sucessful as his father, and because of that I have to live differently then him. I don’t have the liberty of having 300,000 in the bank when I’m 20. All his advice is worthless and repeatitive. I also wish he would just be quiet and never speak again. I have never felt any kind of love towards either of my parents, nor do I feel like they have embraced me in that way. Therefore, not a damn one of them matter to me, or deserves any of my time I’m glad they like my brother so much, because I’ll be damned if I will be carring for them in their older years. I’ll be damned if they see my childern ever, and I’ll be damned if they ever try to actually make me feel loved.

Self Esteem Issues

• I’m fucking ugly. I’m 5′7″ , 220 lbs, and I’m fucking ugly. It sucks not being the ideal shape I would like to be. But I have come to terms with it. I could change it if I really wanted to, but I dont. I am me. I’m not attractive. Girls dont dream of me. Its hard to get a date. Its hard to run. The fact is I’m an obesse smoker. Thats not attractive. I don’t like feeling like this, but I dont have the will poewr to change it. I dont feel like anyone wants to talk to me either. Thats why when I get the cold shoulder from someone it hurts so much. I have to quesiton if I’m good enough to talk to this person. And as soon as I start doing that, i over annalysze shit. It tears me up inside just thinking if they don’t have time to talk to me because they are busy, or just don’t want anything to do with me. Its terrible to feel like that, and its probably one of the things that drags me down most.

So much for all my points. Its too tough to write right now. I’ve placed myself in a pretty shitty mood. I’ll have to finish this tomorrow, which means i’ll be in a equally shitty mood in 24 hours. I know this is needed , but it doesnt make it any easier. I need to change this damn song, i[’ve been listening to a 3 minute song for over six hours now. I hate when I’m like this. Well, I’m sure sweet dreams can cure my feelings right now,,, dreams of a happier place and a happier time.

Peacce.

So, lost in thought. Days seem to pass by as quickly as they come. Time has no bounds, hours tick by in minutes. So I promised a point by point explaination…here it goes:

Why Cara and I started talking in the first place

• Simple , we talked all the time in game. We were interested in getting to know each other better as friends. It was fun to learn about someone new, and who wanted to know as much about me as I did about her

When I started having feelings toward Cara

• About 3 weeks after we started talking all the time. Here was a girl that was interested in what i had to say. It was refreshing, it was fun, and it was great to know someone cares. Talking on the phone to someone most of your waking time is very intimate and very encompassing. It was so fun to talk about each others views, goals, hopes, dreams, and experiences. I feel like i got to know Cara in a crash course. I almost shot myself when I let “I love you” slip out one night, and in fact I denied it. Then logged on Yahoo to tell cara i didnt mean it, then she got me to admit she did. Wily woman

Why Cara and I used to talk so much

• Simple also, it was fun to talk to her. It still is. We used to burn thru so many hours on the phone….sometimes we weren’t even talking to each other, just listening. It was fun. I imiss that.

Could I be happy with Cara as a friend

• Yes, I could. I was. I still am. I just really needed to see it. I haven’t lost anyone (I hope). I see in Cara a life long friend I know she will be there no matter what…because, she already has. When me and my father got into an argument last week, it wasn’t someone local I called…it was Cara, and it was right after we had a fight. When I stayed a few nights in a motel a few months ago…it was Cara that called me on her cell to comfort me and tell me everything will be fine. Cara, I may not have always treated you right, but that changes now. The last few days have been really hard for me, facing emotions i haven’t really had to deal with for about 3 years. Before that, like the last 3 weeks, I have been facing only the head of those emotions…and Ithink I’ve come to term with them. You didn’t betray me, I betrayed your friendship Cara, and for that I am ever sorry.

How Cara has changed me int the last few months

• Cara was there during a dark time for me. I wasnt feeling, happy, for myself. I was sad. I was an asshole to everyone, and I didnt care about how many people I hurt. I was craving even the littlest bit of affection, and I found someone that offered it unconditionally. Unconditionally not as a romantic interest, but as a friend. And friends always last longer than romantic interests. Because of Cara, I am happy now. I can live, I can smile, and I can laugh. Thats what she did. In a nutshell, cara restored my joy in life.

How can I cope with the current situation

• By coming to terms with it. Over the last few days I’ve done a lot of thinking. To say I stilll didnt care about Cara would betray myself. But because I do care, I want the best for her. She IS MY FRIEND> She deserves to be happy, and she deseves for me not to bitch about her choice. I want her to be happy. I dont want her to worry about how I may react to anything. I dont want to cause her any pain…only joy. And the last few weeks, Im sure I have added undue stress to her. And , that bothers me. Cara…from now on, I will be the friend you’ve been to me. I will treat you right, as you deserve to be treated, the same way you treat me. I want you to see Josh. I want you to be happy. It might still hurt, but for right now, its what I think is best for you. You seem SO happy hun. And to see you happy is for me to be happy.

Cara, I want you as a friend. I needed some time to see that. The last 3 days have been really really hard for me, having to face some of my old problems and some of my new. I want you as a friend. I want you like we used to be, before all this arguing and fighting. I want to have fun with you once again. I’m sorry for all the stress and hurt I have caused you. And, I’m soooooo glad you’re having so much fun with someone that really cares about you too. If you only knew how much I want to see you happy.

Ahh, my day off. Slept in til about 3pm. It felt damn good to sleep again . Woke up, staggered over to the computer, and talked to Lotte for about 2 or 3 hours. Shes getting feelings for dimi…which is so cool. To see her smiling on webcam again is awesome. She still feels a bit weird though, as to why someone like Dimi would be interested in “someone like her”. She thinks she is ugly or something. I told her shes very attractive and has a great personality, which she does. I’m not interested in Lotte, I’m just telling the truth. She talked about me coming out to visit her a few days ago, and its very tempting to do. I’m sure we would have a blast, and I would probably find a couple scandanavian girls…but its really too bad my thing is redheads, not blondes. I could have fun in Denmark with all the blondes… After Lotte had to sleep, I logged on EQ to raid. I started talking with tweeds. We ended up doing a north ro adventure together, and it was fun. I was called to raid, and I dragged tweeds along with me since we needed clerics. She seemed to enjoy it, but then again, who wouldn’t want to raid with recon. She seems like a nice person, and its so funny to think she hated me with a passion. I guess most of my friends start out hating me, must just be one of those guys.

I’ve thought alot about cara in the last few days. I know we couldnt have talked this weekend since josh was over, but I still miss her. I have had to think about her a lot. I guess, I was very misguided and very hurt. In hindsight, that is clear. Some of the questions I’ve thought about:

• Why Cara and I started talking in the first place
• When I started having feelings toward Cara
• Why Cara and I used to talk so much
• Could I be happy with Cara as a friend

>

• How Cara has changed me int the last few months
• How can I cope with the current situation

Tomorrow, I will answer those questions and more…but I need to sleep. I have to work in 6 hours and there just isnt time right now.

On a happier note, Teter brought over the picture of cara that I thought we lost. I was so happy to hear that he found it. I need to go get a disposable camera tomorrow to take pictures for her, because I promised her I would send a whole roll for her, and a map of my house.

Later guys.

So Lotte suggested a new name for ada…”POSH SKELATOR”. Hence forth, ada will be known on this site as ‘posh’, ‘P.O.S’, or just ‘that fucking dude ‘ . Leave it to the Danes to make me laugh. Thinking hard about cara and I right now, so cant type, was just funny so I thought I would post it.

So I just told Cara I needed a week to colelct my thoughts on her.

I love her…like romantically. Hehe mispelt at 115am. She loves ada.. She told me a few imes she loved me…but had to be realistic. She started seeing an older man…still realistic….but she loves him… And i’m here stuck with the same emotions…but now relegated to 2nd seat. I feel used, I feel abused, and I feel bitter. I have hid all these emotions from cara. I tried to be the happy friend…but I couldnt do that. So, about a week off without Cara to think about what I can do to keep her as a friend, while not feeling like shit while doing it. Quite frankly, this will be the longest we havnt talked isince we met.. I’m sure she is pissed off because I did this, but hey, i hope she can understand. I do feel as though I was somewhat strung along…and cara if you’re reading, no matter how much I ask…I dont want to hear about adas toungue for 30 minutes…

i work in 4.5 hours…need sleep

thanks god tomorrow will be easy…I can think then.

All bow down to the mighty 8-ball.

Life is sometimes ironic. Ever noticed how all the bad shit tends to cluster together? I got in an argument with my father last night, and he basically told me i have 59 days left til I get kicked out. So, I have to find a new place to live. I really really want to move far away…to one of the coasts. Its time for a major change in my life, and I think this is a great oportunity to do so. Money will be tight though, so gonna have to find some nice place to live. To be alone again…someways it scares me, but in some I can’t wait. My life seems to get worse every damn day I try to live it. Maybe Florida would be nice year round…

I find myself thinking of Cara alot lately. Mixed emotions for mixed days. I don’t know what to think some times. I feel such a wide variety of feelings towards her, some good some bad. Somedays, I don’t know what to think anymore. I still love cara imensely. I still wish stuff could have worked out, but I dont tell her that anymore. She doesnt need to hear it. It helps nothing. All it does is alienate me. Keeping inside may hurt me, but I still have a good friend. If I let it out, who knows what would happen. I really don’t want to think about Cara right now, I know she and ada are going to be together tomorrow. Just knowing they will be together burns me up inside, neverless what they will be doing. I hate to think aobut it…but anymore…thats all I have time for…thinking. Thinking has always been my bane. If I let myself enough time to think, bad thigns happen. I overanalyze stuff. I see conspiracy and backstabing where there is none. I resign those who care about me into nothingless. I forgot those who care.

But the question being is does Cara care? Or am I being strung along as people say I am. My friend Krista told me today I was ‘like the fish in the bucket in the boat”. I don’t think I really feel that way, but sometimes…well sometimes I might. My feelings for cara have really resurfaced. Not that it matters anymore, shes happy. I thiink in a way, I’m no longer really needed. I was there to get cara out of the darkness of Greg, I did my job, and maybe I’m ment to move on. I sometimes wish my feeelings would let me. I love cara still. I think about her when i’m laying in bed at night. I think about her during the day, usually counting the minutes before I can call and wake her up. Yet sometimes, she treats me like shit. She yells at me when I ask simple questions. I get mixed responses. Then, the rest of the night, I wonder why she snapped at me..

It’s really hard having feelings towards someone…and they know you still have feelings…but everytime you try to bring it up, she says she cant talk about it. I hope ignoring it actually makes it go away. It doesnt feel like that sadly. I’m sure this shit with cara will bother me for a couple more weeks and then I can try to move on. I’ll be okay, I always have been.

Well, sleep-work-sleep-work-pornopgrahy-work.

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Damn, yesterday sucked ass. Well only the part about my father, which won’t be discussed. Yesterday was pretty alright was far as me and Cara go. Don’t really have enough time to say all the stuff that happened, but because we fought, we both came to realize how good friends we are. I don’t want to loose her. I know she feels the same. Well, off to work.

DAD KICKED IN DOOR STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY STOP I CANT STAY HERE STOP CARA MUST HELP OR ELSE STOP

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Cara, some of this stuff my hurt. This is the reason I left earlier. What’s contained in here might hurt you, so please, don’t read it, and if you do, don’t bring it up unless I do. I need a place to vent, and this is it. I don’t think any less of you then I did last night after the fact, and this is just really for me. I don’t want to discuss it, because by tomorrow it wont be a issue
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Nothing worth doing is ever easy. We’ve all heard that. And to some extent it’s true. I grouped with Cara last night , and another friend Gabria (Cedar from Montanna) . I called them both up, and we all three talked for awhile. After Cedar had to go. cara and I talked for awhile. It was a blast talking to her, it always is. Cara had to get off the phone, she got another phone call on her , and was going to update her blog anyways. A couple hours passed and Cara sent me a tell, asking if I really wanted to see her journal, cause it would probably hurt me. Of course for the next 30 minutes before she posted the damn thing, I was chain smoking. and worrying what it said. Of course, deep in my heart I knew her and ada had slept together, so I was somewhat ready for it. When she finally posted it, it didn’t really hit me. Or, I thought it didnt til just a few hours ago. And damn, it hit hard and fast. I can’t blame her, I wanted to know, and I needed to know. The fact just ate away at me, Alot of stuff has been eating at me lately. I guess im just in a sad mood lately. The fact they slept together didnt hurt me last night, but it does today. I don’t know if I shouild discuss it with Cara or leave it be (yes babe, I realize you’re gonna read this.) . I don’t want to argue with her ever again. I don’t want to cause her pain or anything. I just don’t know what to do. It’s the hardest thing hearing about how the person you have/had feeling towards is sleeping with another person.

I never really gave a good case against ada, and I did that for a reason. I didn’t want to isolate her. I knew it was inevitable, Ada is technically 11, and practically 10 years senior to cara. I was talking to my friend Amy from Missouri earlier. She was dating a 30 year old at 21. Ironically, the same one Gabria is seeing What does someone who’s 30 see in a 19 year old? Cara has a great personality, but there’s things that are socially akward in life. Cara is legal,if some 30 year old wants to have her, thats fine. But, I worry about what will happen later. Either Cara is very mature, or ada is very immature. If I was looking for someone 11 years younger than me, she would be in 3rd grade right now. I don’t want to see Cara hurt, but I also don’t want to hurt her by bringing the topic up. Cara told me how nice it was to be on an ‘adult’ date. I can understand the appeal of dating someone older….more stability. Cara told me once that Ada didn’t want to be anyone’s rock. She told me last night he has trouble expressing his emotions, hell even tweeds told me that. Believe me, I’m fine with the status of Cara and I’s relationship, but I dont want her to get hurt.

Cara was telling me about all the small things they have in common…like their favorite ice cream. That’s great, you have ice cream in common. Awesome. Do you think a 30 year old doesnt look at a 19 year old and think sex? Damn straight he does. I wish I was older, I could have pussy everynight. People are nieve. I don’t want Cara to call me up somenight, and cry to me saying ada broke her heart. I don’t want to think that he’s leading her on, just for sex. Cara told me ada has 16 women total. Hell, I’ve had a good 6 or 7. I know ada, I used to be like him. I told Cara when I first met her, that I didnt believe in true love, only in lust. And when I think about Cara and ada, thats all I see, ada’s lust. I don’t see getting old together ( Nevermind ED will start in another 5 years ) . I don’t see a genuine person that will make cara truly feel like shes the most important on earth. I just see him using Cara on the weekends. I’m sure as hell biased. Maybe he is a good guy, but oyu know what, why date a person 10 years older than you? What can

I don’t know what to do about this. Its a paradox really. I can break Cara and I’s relationship by bringing it up. Or, I can just let her go on, and hope it doesnt eat me alive and she doesnt get hurt too badly. I never told her about my dream sunday night where I woke up in a sweat, because she called and said she was raped. What if it isnt being raped? What if its being beaten, or tortured, or told how worthless she is. I can’t stand thinking that. It hurts knowing they arent gonna work out, and that shes so fucking head-over-heals towards him I dont know how much longer I can cope with being the friend. I hate feeling this way. Im so fucking confused and so full of heartache.

Someone fucking save me, before I go insane.