Deep Inside My Thoughts

This will probably hurt to read Cara ,and unless I bring it up, dont. If you want to read, read on, if not, please dont. I would prefer you dont, but I hope this might help you in some abstract way, so its friends only, not private.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother continuing to feel towards Cara. I still have immense feelings towards her, thats the obvious reason. She still makes me smile, sometimes even when I’m totally pissed. I can think of no one to talk about my problems except Cara. She’s still the one I think about when I go to sleep at night, and it hurts waking up and not being able to call her. She told me a few weeks ago that I was important to her, and I was worthy of her time. Just a few days ago, she said I wasnt the most imprortant thing, and Josh was. This is something hard to grasp. I don’t see how I can be the apple in someones eye one week, and change the next. I don’t see how someone can say they love me, and then claim they dont. I’m just confused I suppose. Confused about the situation, and life in general.

I’ve been thinking alot lately of similarities between Greg and I. Greg said they had a pretty good relationship til Cara slept with Brad. That changed things between them, and Greg didnt want anything to do with her. That was strike one. Then cara started talking to me. We used words like love, and she even suggested I visit her sometime. Stuff felt right for a long time; we talked every waking moment, and told each other we loved one another. Then one day, she got asked out on a date by Josh. Then things changed dramatically after that, mostly for the worst.

I know cara wants attention. When Josh didnt call her for 2 days, she was going crazy with insecurities. I know she wants someone she can physically be with. It bothers me I couldnt be there for her like she needed. But, it seems to me, the first guy she could get locally, she did. I was left in the dust, with my heart still in my stomache. She told someone she loved them, not once, but twice, and then cheated on them for sex with people there. I knew why her relationship with Greg actualyl died, it was because her friend brad, and they slept together. Oddly enough, our relationship died when she began to see Josh. I guess I’m seeing a pattern here. I should have been more careful in how quickly I fell for her. I knew what she did, but I l looked past it. I wanted to believe that when she said she loved me, it really ment something.

I dont’t know if cara just needed me to get her self-confidence up so she could see someone else again. I don’t know anymore. Frankly,everything I’ve thought about cara has been doubted in the last 3 weeks. I guess when I finally break down, and say ‘I love you’ to someone, and they say it to me, I expect something. I can’t use the damn word liberally. She said she couldnt either. I sitll feel pain from her saying that to me, because I guess, she did lie to me. She said she couldnt fall in love, but she still said those words. And now, all these months later, Im reeling from their effects.

She talks about Josh the way she used to talk about me. She went from being sad and down, to perky and happy when he called. But she still questions his age difference and his sincereity. If she doesn’t talk to him, she gets so inseccure about herself. She said on her blog today and I quote :

You cant think far into the future though or you lose sight of what you have in the present. Whats the point of being miserable right now, and dwelling on only hopes of finding joy later?

Cara, you arent happy when he isnt talking to you. You were never like this with me. You told me you hurt from smiling so much. We laughed together, we cried together, and we had fun together. Everything felt right, and you said that yourself a few times too. You say you didnt want to feel like you couldnt be with the person you cared about, but what has changed. Josh is an hour away, you only see him on weekends, and besides that, you still worry. Is the ocassional sexual romp worth losing a good friend? You took that risk you know. Anyone else who felt the way I do about you, wouldnt be talking to you now. Is all the time we spent together really that trivial? Didn’t it mean something to you? I know it did. I remmeber you saying talking to me made the time pass by so quickly. I remember you saying you were happy. I remember one of us waking up to each other’s phone calls everyday. I remember talking to you while you were at Disneyland. I remember talking to your colorguard girls. Was that worth losing? Was what we had so bad and foul that you needed companionship in real life? Was I really only there for when you needed attention? These are the questions I ask myself laying in bed at night.

Did you mean to lead me on? Was I there just for attention? My purpose was just to help you move on was it? I was that imeditary between Greg-Brad and Aaron-Josh. You’ve done this before cara. I want to believe everything you told me, I want to believe you didnt mean it all, but you did . Now either you’re a great liar or you just felt as ease, you tell me which.

off to call.