So yeah…like its over. The talk I expected came thru. I knew it would., but it doesnt hurt any less. I don’t blame Cara for this, I blame myself. I let myself get close to another person again, and I got burned. All is not totally lost, Cara and I promised to be friends, but it still hurts. I guess I always was more into her than she was into me. We always claimed we were just friends, but I thoughtt I felt more than that. I don’t know what this is gonna do to me. Part of me wants to just break down,go buy some alcohol and just cope. My other half just wants to not believe. Fuck knows what I’m gonna do.
I really feel like I lost some of my drive again. I know sure as hell I’ll be second guessing myself for awhile again. Its kinda funny that 3 days ago I started this damn thing with such a great post about cara, and 3 days leater it ends. I’m not bitter by a long shot, but i am hurt. She did the right thing by telling me though, and I hope her and whoever works out. I want so much to be friends with her still, her friendship means a lot to me. I really hope we can stay in touch, and its gonna be awkward not talking to someone as much as I talked to her. I placed her on high, and I hope I can find someone, someday to really love and care about.
Just writing this is making my eyes tear back up. I was so emotionally attached to Cara, and I guess I feel somewhat rebuffed. I can’t turn off my feelings for her on a whim, so I’m stuck with burryign them again, like when we first started talking. I know it’s gonna be difficult for both of us to cope with how I feel, and it tears me up inside to know that I hurt her. I’ve never felt like anyone the way I do about cara…it felt so natural. I didnt have to worry about upseting her, but now, in hindsight, I think I should have. We both met at the right time for each of us, her just breaking off with another guy, and me, yarning for affection and companionship.
I haven’t felt this way about anyone in years. I have never opened up to anyone like I did to Cara. I realize this post is probably hella repeatitive, but oh well. I can’t describe how I really feel right now. Like I said, part of me is so sad and heartbroken, while the other half is so happy I still have such a good friend. And to tell you the truth, she always was a good friend. And , we were always just friends, I just got a little too deep . I don’t know why I said those three words ( I love you) when I did, but it felt right then, and it still does now.
I don’t have many good friends. Cara was a savior to me, someone to talk to while she restored my belief in myself and other people. Since meeting her, I’m not such a asshole as I was, and I’m pretty damn civil. I don’t regret anything I ever said or did to her, because at the time, it felt right.
Cara has been there thru me and my father yelling and fighting at each other, my grandmother being in the hospital, me feeling worthless and not caring about myself, and a friends suicidal tendencies. I hope she’s here for me, cause I’ll sure miss her if she isnt.
I wonder too, if I’m actually gonna find the ‘soulmate’ for me. But alas, thats a question for a different post, I’m going to lay in bed and sob, cause it will feel good.
/// Also, I started writing this at 8pm, and finished it at midnight. ///
