Deep Inside My Thoughts

I never thought sitting would be so boring.  I’ve spent two days this week surfing youtube, reading the news over and over, and just walking around.  But there’s no actual work for me to do.  It’s strange.  I’m still finalizing this project, but we’ve come up to a bottleneck on waiting on other people for the stuff we need to do to finish.

We were supposed to have some overlay coming up in  a few weeks, but it’s been pushed back and we might not realistically get it the damn thing until September.  That’s two months away, and that’s a damn lot of downtime until my ‘first’ project.

I went out today to help check some bad concrete pavement on I-70, and what was supposed to take twelve hours took only two, probably because the extra fifteen ET’s that were out there.  It’s deathly slow all around.  When people want to get out of the office just to beat concrete with a hammer, you know you’ve got problems.

And problems we do have.  Wog mentioned to me today about how the fuel budget is something like $500,000 over, and we’re only through half the year.  We’re supposed to actually turn off trucks instead of idling them.  Costs must be cut across the board, and sacrifices need to be made.  It probably would do  some good to trim the fat off the bureaucracy, but so far, it’s a stop gap, and nothing else.

One has to wonder the wisdom of hiring new people if you had this shadow of a budget looming over you.  I wanted this job, and I’m damn happy I got it, but still, there doesn’t seem like too much going on to merit the extra help right now.  It’s just so damn frustrating not having anything to do, and I’m sick of going to ‘check on erosion control’ just to get out of the office and walk.

I suppose my apathy was a little overstated.  It seems I still do care about Danyale.  After I wrote the previous post, we made up.  Thing’s were good that night, but went down hill the next.  It was mostly my fault, and I’ll put it out there and say I caused this split.

Yesterday started out with us going to see Stephanie, who was in the hospital for some unexplained reason.  Initially, we decided we were going to go swimming, so we wore swimming clothes underneath our street clothes.  Well after spending about an hour at the hospital, I decided I didn’t want to go swim with her nieces, and we headed home.   She ended up taking the car to her sister Robin’s, and swam for a while and ended falling asleep there.

Hours pass by, and I’m starting to get hungry.   I call her at 6 pm, and she’s still sleeping.  I call her again at 8, and she’s with Michael, some 17 year old punk kid she’s been hanging around.  She’s giving him a ride home.  I don’t really like the kid first off, and secondly, I don’t like her giving rides to her friends and them not chipping in for gas.  Hell, with this kid, I don’t even want her giving him a ride. Anyhow, I get a little excited, being pissed and all, and slip out a ‘bitch’.  I caught myself right after I said it, but she did too.  Instantly, she said it was over.  So it’s over.

We hang up and I call Verizon, and get her phone disconnected three minutes after the words were said.  She comes home crying, and all I could do in the mean time was throw some of her clothes in a basket for her.  I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t cry, I didn’t want to speak to her.  I deleted her off my myspace, my cell phone, and hell, even my yahoo.

Despite her crying, I didn’t feel anything til I went to bed.   As a lay there, this massive overwhelming sense of dread and sorrow came over me, and I sat there for thirty minutes just contemplating things.  I don’t know why even when we break up, we still say we love each other.  That doesn’t make sense to me.  I don’t know why I’d take her back tomorrow if she asked.  I’ve bitched so much about our relationship, but I’d be willing to take it back if only she would ask.

I wish I knew why i was the way I am.   I wishi I knew why even though I was unhappy sometimes, her god damn smile could liven up my day.  I wish i knew how I let someone get that close to me—shared with her things I’ve never told another living soul, and let her walk away.  I have my own issues, I know this.  I have my own demons that haunt me just as she has hers.  Would it have worked out?  Will it work out?  Is this just another temporary breakup like before, or is this the real thing?

I have to consider this the final act, at least for the time being.

Danyale and I are standing on the cusp of another break up.  I don’t feel anything anymore, and I don’t think that bodes well for us.  Apathy is death, after all.  It seems just like last time, it really got worse in the last week or two, but it’s been going downhill for about a month now.  I don’t think we’ll recover from it either.

She’s been moody and depressed for awhile now, and I’ve put up with it as long as I could, even with me being depressed and moody too.  A few weeks ago when she had a seizure and puked up all over the bed, I found myself not being worried, but being pissed that my bed was destroyed.  That’s not right.  I shouldn’t feel that way about someone I care about.  I felt bad at it at the time, but in hindsight, it was a glimpse of what would happen.

I still love Danyale, and she says she still loves me, but whats the point of love if you can’t get along?  If all we do is fight now, whats the point of being together?  She says I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t.  I come home, give her a kiss, and hop on the computer, the one place I know will be reasonably drama free.

She’ll read her books, and I’ll waste my time in Azeroth. We’ll go eat, and talk, but usually end up fighting, which pisses one of us off, and makes the other not want to be around them.  There seems almost no way to be civil anymore, and although I hate to lose her, I don’t think there’s any other option.

The weight of being the only one working is overcoming the joy she gives.  The constant fighting is wearing me down, and making me depressed too.  Her counseling was working wonders for weeks, but she seems to have slipped even worse.  I’d love to be able to help her, but it seems I did better on that aspect when I was 600 miles away and just a voice on the phone.

For two years I’ve been out here, and for two years all I have to show for myself is her.  I’m scared of losing her on one hand, but terrified of the stress if we stay together.   Like usual, I’m not too entirely sure of what to do with her and not too damn sure of what will happen if we stay together.  I just wish I had some sort of crystal ball to gaze into the future with, something that would let me see what would happen, so I could feel better about things.  Because right now, the damn uncertainty is killing me worse than the failure of my relationship.

My job at the state is going pretty well.  We’re still very slow at the office, but I’m enjoying learning how to do paperwork and learning more about my coworkers.  It’s rained the last few days so we haven’t had much construction going on, so we’ve been catching up on paperwork and reading spec books.

Yesterday I actually got to go out again.  There’s a $25 million dollar job that is still continuing from 2001, and a Lead Inspector and I went out to oversee the contractor putting rock in a drainage ditch to slow down the current, and protect against erosion.  Before I started this job, I never really knew how much of a problem erosion was, but after seeing how damaging and destructive flowing water can be, I understand all the paranoia about erosion and soil protection.

This particular job was in a protected wetland, so KDOT had to recreate a similar environment for ducks a few miles down the river.  After we checked out the ditch, we headed down there so he could show me more about the project.   Essentially, KDOT built a pond in the middle of nowhere, and equiped it with drainage controls so they could drain the damn thing if it got too full.   The entire area was reclaimed by wildlife, and I saw deer tracks EVERYWHERE we went in there.  It was pretty neat, and not really something I think about when road construction is on my mind.

Tomorrow I’m going in on my day off, from sun-up to sun-down to do a patching project on I-70.   I’m heading out with a different Engineering Technician tomorrow, and I should pick up a lot from this job.  I’ve done some gradation, and watched some grinding, but tomorrow will be my first true interaction with Portland Cement.  I think it will be damn fun, if not damn tiring.  Hell, I’ll probably even learn a lot too.

So, it finally came.  Alas, I have a computer again! My new laptop came today and I can’t say I’ve been happier without it.  This laptop is damn huge, and damn impressive!  The only bad thing about getting a new computer is having to reinstall all the damn software the old one has, and downloading and patching everything.

I haven’t logged onto wow in over a week, and I’m starting to have withdrawals.  Yes, it might only be a game, but it’s my damn drug of choice, and when I don’t get my drug, I get pissed.  The past week I’ve probably slept more than I’ve been awake, and I think now it’s time to adopt a more natural schedule.

I suppose the demise of both of my computers at the same time was a blessing simply because it helped me get acclimated to waking up at 6am for work.  If I was staying up late playing on the computer, I probably would have been more tired than I was, and that’s not a good idea when dealing with construction machinery.

Speaking of, the job is going damn well, and I’m really excited to wake up everyday and see what happens.  I was on project one day, but today I spent most of it in meetings and learning about Commercial trucks so I can get my CDL pretty soon.  Depending on weather tomorrow, I might be back out on project or stuck with the truck again.  Either would be acceptable to me, and I can’t wait to get started on advancement for work.  Getting my CDL is the first requirement, then I can start on more interesting training.

In short, everything is well.  I’m happy, money’s still tight, but I think I’ll make it.  Danyale is working part time and we’re still waiting to hear back from Disability on her, but we’ve both got a good feeling this time.  I think she’ll be approved, and that’s one more worry that I don’t have to deal with.

It seems that I’ve been more depressed lately.  Danyale’s been saying I’ve been in a terrible mood these last couple of weeks.  And I know personally, I’ve felt run down and tired too.  I’m not sleeping well, and I’m skipping meals because I simply don’t feel like eating.  I’m down to just less than 210 pounds, which is a lot I’ve lost in six months or so.  That’d be all fine and dandy in of itself, but I’m not really trying to lose weight.

I just feel like there’s this tremendous stress bearing down on me between work and home.  At work, I’m leaving in six days, but I’m still stressed by the team I’m forced to lead and how ineffective they really are.  I’ve given up hope at work, and really stopped caring about things.  I go there, and I smoke most of the night, because I simply don’t care.

When I get home, I get on World of Warcraft and just zone out.  Its not like I’m having too much fun with it anymore, I just get on for something to do.  There’s not very much Danyale and I can do besides watch movies or cuddle, and sometimes both of those get quite old.

Speaking of her, we’ve been fighting again, almost daily.  I suppose it’s mostly my fault, but it doesn’t help my general stress level to come home to us both yelling at each other. We make up an hour later, but at the time, I get so pissed and stressed I just want to get away.  And I can’t do that in a studio apartment with gas at $4 per gallon.   So I’m forced to just retreat to the computer again, and delve into a fantasy world.

I don’t know if I should talk to someone or just wait out things like I usually do.  I think the new job might make me happier, and once that starts I think things might just get better with me, and then better at home.

So I’m left with really one option: stick it out like I always do.   It might not be the smartest, or even the thing I’d tell someone else to do, but it’s comfortable to me.  I always just wait, and in a few weeks I feel better.  But it’s always a hell of a ride waiting for that upturn, and all I can do is hope things get better sooner rather than later.

Life seems so damn dull right now.

I got moved to another store at work.  The people there just run rampart and there’s no managerial control there.  Paul, the RGM, used to be an assistant at Wannamaker, but he took over North when we had to fire Derrick.  If there’s only a failure of his, it’s the fact he’s non-confrontational, and won’t stand up to people.  I had a driver Sunday just walk out without doing his prep.  Paul would have done nothing to him — however I wrote him up.  It will do little good though, I’m not here long enough to make changes, and it’s ultimately Paul’s store.  It’s just so frustrating to go from a trained crew, to savages.  I have just over two weeks until I quit and start my job with the state, but every damn day will be hell until then.  I can’t stand having to do everything at a store.

As I mentioned earlier, I got a new job with the state.  My title is actually “Engineering Technician Associate” and basically I’ll be doing lab work on concrete and steel re-bar 60% of the time, and the other 40% will be on construction site, making sure the materials are of the required quality.  It’s entry level, and a one-year probationary position, but they’ll train me, and I think it will be an interesting job.  I’m really looking forward to starting it on June 2nd.  So far, the people I’ve met there have been ideal for coworkers, and I think I will not only have fun there, but also learn quite a few things.

There seems to never be enough time in the world to post anymore.  It’s something I wish I had more time to do, but everyday when I get off from work, I just want to zone out in WOW for awhile.  I probably have the most fun on there doing auctions, buying for low, selling for cheap—amassing a never ending horde of gold.  I probably play my banker alt three times more than I do my mage, but I have fun regardless.

It’s been a week since my dad’s been out here.  It was nice seeing him again, and it was a damn quick two days.  In retrospect, I probably should have had him come out for a little more than 2 days, maybe three, but I didn’t know if I could have taken the time of work.  Knowing what I do now, I probably wouldn’t have.

The first day he was here, we lounged around pretty much.  All three of us (Him, Danyale and I) went to see “Stop Loss” at the movies.  I was surprised when I saw it was an MTV Film, but it was enjoyable none-the-less.  Their movies have certainly come to age since “Varsity Blue’s” and it was a surprising quasi-complicated film about a serious issue.

The second day was even more casual than the first.  We ended up heading down to Lawrence,  and stopping to eat at the Applebee’s there.  After a heavy lunch, we drove by the KU campus.  I’ve never been by it, and let me say, that damn thing is massive!  It was beautiful too.  Ball State always prided itself on it’s architecture, but it has nothing on KU on landscaping.

After driving around KU, we headed out to Baldwin City to something I saw when I was driving around before, something called the Old Castle Museum.  Not really thinking too much about it, we decided to head down there.  Now when something is called an Old Castle Museum, it brings certain thoughts to one’s head.  However, actually seeing the damn thing—essentially an over-sized three-story house, was disappointing.  At least I got a picture of myself in front of the damn thing.  Hell, it was even closed the day we went.

After that disappointing screw up, we headed to the Battle of Blackjack, which is essentially a marker, and about it.  There was a neat sign up, along with a small shelter house, but there wasn’t too much to see.  Danyale took some more pictures of everything, and we made the short drive back to Topeka listening to her sleep and snore the entire way there.

I had to stop by work real quick because I got a call earlier that day that Kent got fired.  I went in and talked to Gene about things, and turns out Kent wasn’t just forging critical counts and inventory, he was outright stealing.   When I called Kent to ask what happened, he kept just crying and crying, and saying he lost his job.  Usually I would have sympathy for someone, but for a thief I simply lack the ability to care.  Besides, turns out he told Dan (our new Area Manager) it was ME stealing to try to absolve his guilt.  Dan didn’t believe him, but at work, we’re on a much tighter leash now.  I suppose it’s a good thing, but I generally trust everyone I work with right now.  We haven’t had a problem with money in the last few days, and people are much, much happier that Kent is gone.

I’m happy he’s gone too, but I’m not happy I had to pick up hours.  Like I said, I turned in my notice a week ago, and effectively, it’s off.  I told Dan I’d stay for awhile, to see if things improve, and we’re supposed to have a meeting about a possible pay raise this week.  I’ve worked 57 hours so far this week, and still have ten more to go tomorrow.  I’m tired, and I’m exhausted.  Next week, I’m only penciled in for 69 hours, but I might be able to take a day off if we steal a manager or two from another store.  Otherwise, I’ll be working non-stop without a day off for a long ass time.   That starts to take a toll on people.

I was frustrated a week ago about work and everything else, and I’m still about the same.   I might be just a wee bit more optimistic right now, but I know I want something different from my life, and managing a pizza store isn’t going to cut it.  I need to make a damn change, and do something so I can be happy again.  I was so damn euphoric when I moved out to Kansas, and besides being with Danyale, that euphoria has worn off.  I don’t know if I need to just get out of Kansas or just find something to make a career out of here, but I know I need to make a change.

It’s almost 6 am, and I have to be at work in 8 hours.  I’ll sleep for five or so, and get up.  That’s all the sleep I’ve been running on in the last week or so, and it’s hard to do so.  It used to be that on my day’s off, I’d sleep in for about ten or twelve hours, and catch up on some neglected sleep.  It’s a shame I don’t have that opportunity anymore, because I’m in a much better mood when I do so.

Danyale’s been having problems with me working so many hours.  I told her next day off I get, we could head to the zoo that she’s been trying to drag me to for over a year, and I think that would make her happy.  It’s not quite the Indianapolis Zoo, but she seems to want to go see it, and I want to make her happy.  Besides, playing the dumb tourist and relaxing in town doesn’t seem too bad all of a sudden.

I just need more free time.

I need a life again.

I quit my job last week.  Or rather, I turned in my notice and was content to wait out my two weeks in bliss, my spirits risen that I was getting out.  I guess it isn’t that easy to leave.

Kent got fired today while my dad was down.  I took the news seriously at first, maybe a little giddy at first because of his termination.   Those thoughts soon gave way to other serious ones, like my work week just increased by a third.  The second thought was, Gene is going to be fucked over badly.  And the third was, I’m going to have to stay so that doesn’t happen.

I don’t know why I would, or rather, am staying.  I’m not really happy here at the moment.  Everyday I work there stresses me out more and more, and for the hours I work, the pay isn’t that great.   It always ends up that I do what I do for the people I work with.  So because I feel such camaraderie with the people I work with, I’ll stay for now.  I’ll give it my best, and go to work, and do what I need to do.  I won’t be happy about it, I won’t be content, but I’ll get things done.

There’s a breath of fresh air in the termination of a manager.   I felt better when I heard he was gone, and I know other people will too.  The question that remains is simple: how will him being gone drive people?  Will they be happier that an unpopular manager is gone?  Or will they just give up, and not work as hard.  It will be tough to inspire and motivate the team from here on.  I just wonder if Gene and I are up to it.

This entire week has been absolutely terrible and pathetic.

Friday night, Danyale hit a pot hole or something, and damaged the car.  She doesn’t remember anything, but judging by the damage to the wheel, and the fact the tie rod broke Sunday, it did a lot of damage.  I had to turn the damn thing in for an insurance claim, and it won’t even be done for another 5 days.  So I’ll have been without a car for about a week.  I can handle the car being in the shop, I can handle Danyale damaging it, but I can’t handle being helpless and having to depend on others to ferry me around.

Saturday was typical at work, except for the fact that we came up $150 short on one drawer.  We had a borrowed CSR from another store and Me on the drawer.  I didn’t steal $150, and although I’m not accusing, the fact that it’s missing is major bullshit.  I spoke to Dan (our new Area Manager) about it missing Monday, and pointed out that money tends to disappear and reappear.  Being short that much on cash didn’t really make me feel too much better about my job that day either.

On Sunday, I woke up to Danyale seizing laying next to me.   In about the course of thirty minutes she had three separate seizures, all three pretty bad.  She also couldn’t talk because I think she had her hand close to her neck when she was sleeping and strangled herself.   Immediately, we went to the hospital, and I called work, letting Kent know where I was going.  He was overly pissed off, which put me in a shitty mood.  A couple of weeks before this, he asked a CSR which was more important, work or family.  She picked family, and thus was fired.   I would pick those I care about over any job.  I remember him still asking her that, and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to be with Danyale.

Hours went by, and we were still in the ER.  Kent was bitching up a storm, saying he had a date, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him, so we got into it again.  Eventually, he texted Dan, and I had to call him.  I kind of went off on Dan, especially when he said I was bringing the restaurant down by being with Danyale, and not being at work.  I politely told him to fuck off.   Danyale started speaking again, and Sunday concluded with the aforementioned tie rod snapping trying to leave the parking lot of the hospital, dooming any chances of going to work that night.

Monday, I had a meeting with Dan.  I talked about a lot of things with him—money issues, issues with management and leadership.  I was really prepared to give my notice that day, but Dan, to his credit, talked me out of it.  I came away from that meeting feeling a little better, but still resolved to find a new job, as I’m not really too happy at Pizza Hut right now.

I don’t think I’ll be there too much longer.  I’ve been poking around online, looking at places to apply, but not having a car seriously impacts my job hunting ability.  My dad comes into town next week on my days off, so I won’t have time to poke around then either.  But I really want something else right now.  I really need something else—without the stress, the hours, and the quasi-meager pay.  Being salaried is nice and all, but I really do get screwed out on pay…